Angels Found

Coincidence to End All

2011-04-07T13:50:00.004-05:00

Over the past 1.5 years or so I have kept in contact with my ex-boyfriend, Andy, after the loss of his wife due to HELLP syndrome. She delivered their sweet little boy and two weeks later she passed. I wrote about it on my blog here a couple of times in September and November 2009. Since that time, Andy and I have kept in contact here and there. Fast forward to last week my DH came home from work (as a utility contractor) and asked me, "What is Andy's parents address?" We discovered that he was doing some work on the house across the street from Andy's parents house. What a coincidence! It isn't like St Paul is a small city, for Heaven's sake! So, I texted Andy and said, "Tell your parents sorry about the noise tonight. Mike's guys are doing a job at the house across the street from your parents". We were texting back and forth and when I asked how he and Le.land were doing, he told me that they were going to go to a waterpark in Eau Claire, WI for the weekend in honor of Bri.enne's (his wife who passed away) birthday, which was last Thursday. When I saw this on my phone, I COULD NOT believe my eyes. You see, over two months ago we had planned with DH's extended family to go to the same waterpark for this very same weekend. What a crazy coincidence that he and Le.land and his sis and her family would be going there during the same time as us! I called him up and explained that we would be there that weekend as well. We joked that we would see each other this weekend and got off the phone. Friday night we got to the hotel/waterpark and got up to our room. Mike and Logan decided to go down to the waterpark while I put the babies to bed for the night. I went to answer the door a little while later when Mike's cousin knocked on it. As I was talking to he and his family, all of a sudden Andy's sister comes walking by. We started talking and I found out that Andy was two doors down from us and his sisters room was across the hallway. What a coincidence! Not only did we coincidentally go to the same hotel/waterpark 1.5 hours away from our houses on the same weekend, but our rooms were practically right next to each other. How crazy! It was a really fun weekend with the family and it was good to see Andy and his family. His sister has twins who are 14 years old and when I was dating Andy I went to the hospital with him the day they were born to meet those little angels. And now I have twins of my own. At one point during the weekend we were in the pool and waterpark area and Caden was walking in the shallow water over to where Andy and Le.land were playing. I looked at Andy and said, "Who would have ever thought years ago that our kids would be playing together in the pool?" He looked back and said, "I know. I think it's pretty cool though". And it is. I mean, who in their right mind would have ever thought that I would practically spend the weekend with my ex-boyfriend years after we had broken up. Before we officially started dating, we made a pact that we would always be friends, no matter what. I guess the pact that we made all those years ago really was quite fitting and that it has come full circle. And, big props goes to my DH for not having a jealous bone in his body. He handled the weekend with grace and an incredible level of sympathy for Andy and his situation. I love that man so much and I couldn't have picked a better husband. OK, I have formatted this twice and it still comes out like one long paragraph. Anyone else having this issue with their blog?

Cancun for Spring Break

2011-03-26T20:22:00.011-05:00

Two weeks ago we embarked on a spring break trip. Our second airplane trip with all three of our boys. Although the first one doesn't necessarily count because we took them to Florida when they were eight weeks old and they slept the entire flight. We, meaning me, DH, our three boys and our nanny (the one we used last summer for two days/week). Sometimes I think it would be nice to go on a trip without the kids, but there will be plenty of time for that later when they are older and don't want to hang out with their parents anymore. For right now it is a party of five and some help!

All of my boys did so well the ENTIRE trip. I am still stunned at how well they traveled and did away from home. Our trip started with waking the boys up at 3:15 am to get to the airport by 4:00 am to get on a 6:00 am trip. Logan came running downstairs bursting with energy saying, "today is the day we go to Mex.ico!". Caden and Colton were bright eyed and wondering where in the world we were going in the middle of the night.

We had a great flight where both Little Monkeys napped for about an hour (until the pilot came on and talked for a minimum of five minutes giving us a geography lesson about what "sights" we would see from 36,000 feet in the air. News flash: No one cares where we are at that time of the morning and thanks for waking up my babies on this four hour flight). Anyways, even though the boys were woken up, they were pretty content on the flight. We had to stand up with them a couple of times, but it was definitely manageable. And we were able to pass Caden and Colton back and forth between me, DH and Miss M (our nanny), so it was definitely doable. And thank Heavens for the iPad! Logan had so much fun playing games I had just downloaded especially for the trip. Especially An.gry Bir.ds. I swear he is addicted to that game!

When we got off of the flight in Can.cun, we were directed by an airport employee to "follow me". He put us to the front of the immigration/customs line! The Mexican people love kids and babies and we had the same treatment five years ago when we brought Logan as a toddler. There were at least 300 people waiting in line and we did not have to wait. We were so grateful and thanked him a ton! When we arrived at the hotel, the Mo.on Pal.ace Go.lf Re.sort and Spa, we were treated the same way. We were brought to the front of the check-in line, given champagne to drink, the kids were given snacks and Miss M and I were given flowers. When the gentleman checking us in told us that our room would be ready in 30 minutes we were completely fine with that. It was only 11:30 and check-in wasn't until 3:00. One of his co-workers looked at him and said, "No No. Those babies need to get to their room." She made a quick phone call in really fast Spanish and then told us that our room was ready now. Amazing service!! And, what a room it was! We booked a presidential suite and knew that we would have two bedrooms and a main living space.

One bedroom

Balcony

Balcony

The entire week I felt like I was in paradise. We played miniature golf almost every day, hung out at the pool, played on the beach, got pedicures, manicures, massages, ate great food, drank yummy drinks, spent some time alone with my hubby and some time with Logan while the babies napped.

And, having Miss M come with us with the best decision we could have made for this vacation. It was so nice to have another set of hands to help out and she is so in tune with our family. She is such a blessing to our family and we are so thankful that she would come on vacation with us over spring break. Because, really, we couldn't have traveled with three small children without her. She just jumps in and does what needs to be done and we are so in sync that it is amazing. And, my boys LOVE her and feel so comfortable with her.

Before we left I bought Caden and Colton some Ni.ke sandals. The second day we were there we lost one, go figure. We looked in our room all over for it and even asked at the Lost and Found. We had all of our shoes lined up by the main door to our room and there sat the three sandals. Three days later, there were FOUR sandals sitting there. Housekeeping must have found it somewhere and brought it to our room. Now, that is what I call service.

Me, Caden-left and Colton- right

Caden

Colton

Logan

Mike and the boys

Group shot

Give Some Love

2011-03-09T15:02:00.004-06:00

Please head over the My Two Lines and give my dear bloggy friend some love, encouragemnt, supoort and did I say love? She found out that her international adoption for two babies, twinblings, will be delayed much further out than originally estimated. This, after she had gone through so much already on her IF journey.

Just.Not.Fair

http://mytwolines.blogspot.com

On the Mend

2011-03-02T14:05:00.003-06:00

We have been sick for way too long at our house. Every time we get rid of a cough, cold, drippy nose combo, we get another wave of it. I am thinking that Logan is bringing home these little bugs from the petri dish they called "Elementary School". Thankfully, for the past 1+ week we have been fever free. Just little drippy noses for the babies and I, but it is much better than the not-feeling-good-feeling-like-crap-hacking-coughing-green-snot-nose-crabby-kids-(and-mom)-kind-of-cold.

The worst thing about this winter is that Logan has had two ear infections and a spikey, random fever, Caden has had two ear infections and Colton has had three ear infections and pneumonia. In the last six weeks. Of course, it is no fun to be sick, but I am so sick of my boys and I being sick!

Alas, you think my house is not clean...it is! I do not like a dirty house, even with three kids trampling all of over it. And I am obsessive about washing my hands, their hands and reminding my husband to wash his hands. Obsessive. To the point of raw, open wounds on my knuckles. Last week I even bundled the little boys up in their snowsuits to take them on a walk when it was super cold outside and I opened the windows of the house to air it out and "freeze out" the germs. I am sure when I told my DH what I had done, he saw dollar signs flying out the window as the furnace kicked into high gear.

Next week we are getting all of the boys ears rechecked to make sure their ear infections are gone. In the past, Caden and Colton's infections were gone, but their was still clear fluid in their ears. It may be that their ear is not able to drain the fluid out and that we will need to bring them to an ENT to see if they need tubes. Our pediatrician said that ear issues can be hereditary and my DH had a TON of ear infections and had many sets of tubes put in his ears as a child. It appears that my little boys may have similar issues.

As you may also recall, when Caden and Colton were born they did not pass the hearing screen test at the hospital. They didn't end up passing it until they were around two months old. We were told that a lot of time that fluid from being in utero gets stuck in there and it takes awhile to come out. I am now wondering if their ear canal slopes down and is unable to drain. A good question for the ENT, don't you think?

Throw in three teething children and life gets a little crazy! That's right, Colton has gotten two teeth in the last six weeks and it working on another; Caden is getting another 2-3 teeth and Logan got a six year molar a couple of weeks ago. Craziness!

We are keeping our fingers crossed that we can stay healthy for the rest of the winter. And for our spring break trip we have coming up soon. Can.cun, here we come!

Colton's Musical Notes

2011-02-15T09:41:00.002-06:00

Last week we had to make a trip to our local Children's Hospital. It seems that Colton was having difficulty breathing. This, after all of us having a horrible cold and all three boys having ear infections. When the ER doc listened to his lungs she said, "He sounds quite musical in there". He was wheezing and working hard to get air. She sent him down for a chest x-ray (have you ever seen a baby strapped down on an x-ray table??) and he did so well. It only took about three minutes for them to get two pics. And, with his arms strapped down above his head and his legs and the rest of his body strapped down he was the perfect angel. He did not even cry until he was done. The x-ray showed that he had pneumonia.

We were sent home with a nebulizer to do 3-4 times/day, and another antibiotic. He had just finished another antibiotic after having an ear infection. On Friday he went in for a recheck and our family doc gave him another prescription for a steroid and also put him back on his acid reflux medication.

I am sad to report that the rest of our house has been feeling a bit under the weather as well. In the last four weeks, between my three boys, they have had five ear infections, four separate colds, a chronic cough, eight different medications, eight doctors visits and one ER vist and a mommy and daddy who are sad to see their three boys not feeling well. And it all started with a run of the mill cold that Logan brought home from the petri dish called elementary school. When I brought Logan in yesterday for ear pain in his other ear, after previously being dx'd with an ear infection in the opposite ear, and I said to the doctor, "We're back!". He explained that winters are really bad for small children and with having two one year olds it is impossible to keep everyone quarantined and away from each other.

Here's to hoping that we are on the mend and feeling better for our upcoming trip to Mex.ico!

Time Away from My Angels

2011-01-29T13:32:00.003-06:00

Last Thursday afternoon my parents came to stay at our house for two nights. With our kids. While we were not there. We were downtown Minneapolis at the posh Gra.ves 601 hotel. Drinking champagne and toasting us. Because, for Heavens sake, we haven't been "us" in too long. Last summer we decided that if our marriage could survive three years of IF and the first year with twins, well, we might just deserve a little time away, with each other, to bask in the glow of each other.

So, it all began last summer when I asked my parents if they would be willing to come and hang out with our kids for two nights while we went somewhere. One night is nice, but two nights would allow us to sleep in and lounge around and not be in hurry to check out of a hotel or get back home. We had no plans on where we wanted to go, but just wanted to go someplace. As the winter progressed and we have hit almost record high snowfalls we decided that we didn't want to go too far away and be caught in a blizzard. We decided on Minneapolis which is only 45 minutes from our house, but we don't really go downtown that often. Our planning began.

We arranged to go from Thursday evening thru Saturday morning. That way, my parents would only have to focus on the Little Monkeys during the day while Logan was at kindergarten. We found the Gra.ves 601 hotel with a Star.bucks and a spa next to it. They are also adjacent to the skyways. When we arrived at the Gra.ves 601 we headed up to check out our awesome room and get ready for dinner at The Melt.ing Pot. Yum! We had not been to this restaurant since Logan was a baby! The next morning we went down to the spa to have a couples massage. After that we headed over to the Minn.eapo.lis Convention Center to go to the Boat Show, of all things :) We used to own two different boats and got rid of the boating hobby a couple of years ago as we bought a camper and could find enough time in the summer to use both the camper and the boat. So we just went to look and see what was on the market.

After that we headed back to our hotel to get ready for dinner at Ru.th's Ch.ris Steakhouse. The best steak I have ever eaten! And their sweet potato casserole was TO DIE FOR. Super good! We woke up Saturday morning regretting that we had not gone to any real night spots, but we were so tired both nights and just wanted to rest up, relax and rejuvenate.

We are hoping that we will have this opportunity, aka that we can convince my parents to take the kids for two nights again, every year. DH and I have been away from the kids individually for longer than two nights at a time, but we have never been away from our kids, including just Logan before the babies were born, for more than one night. It was quite the treat. And walking into the house after being gone for two days we were greeted by two happy smiling babies racing while they crawled towards us and our big boy Logan jumping on us and giving us hugs and kisses. All the while we were away, they were perfect angels and didn't miss a beat, but we sure felt good being greeted by all three when we got home. :) I also received a thank you email from my parents thanking US for letting THEM come and stay with our children and entrusting them with our children for two nights. What a great weekend!

Birthday Celebrations!

2011-01-17T13:50:00.011-06:00

Last weekend we celebrated Logan's 6th and Caden and Colton's 1st birthdays! In December Logan has his friend birthday at a local pizza joint where he and 10 friends made their own pizzas. I am not going to post these pics as I don't have permission from his friends parents to post them and I hate to post pics on the internet without permission. We decided to do the family birthday celebration for all three kids together at our house. With Logan's birthday on December 1 and Caden and Colton's birthday on January 6 and the holidays thrown in-between we thought it was a good idea to have one big celebration together. And, we even asked Logan for permission to celebrate his birthday with his brothers to which he was so excited to do.

Here are some pics of our family birthday party!

Colton and Caden

Logan joyfully throwing a big pile of wrapping paper in the air for "confetti"

Family pic

Logan and his cake

Caden and his cake in the face

Caden and his cake in the face

Colton and his cake in the face

Colton and his cake in the face

Caden on his new four wheeler

Colton

Although I am bit sad that these Little Monkeys are ONE, I am also glad. The last year has been a lot of work, albeit enjoyable work. Things are getting easier every day and they are growing so fast! We had their one year well-check with the pediatrician last week and here are their stats:

Caden- 7lbs 1oz at birth, now 22lbs 9oz
Colton- 6lbs14oz at birth, now 24lbs

It seems that my 14lbs of baby has grown to almost 47lbs in the past year! My, oh my, where has time gone? In the past year they have gone from 8-12 feedings and diaper changes in a day, to big boys who eat all types of big people food and whole milk in a sippy cup, with only 6 diaper changes/day. They sleep from 7pm-7am without getting up and take two 1.5 hour naps each day. Colton has six teeth and Caden has two teeth. Colton can take six steps alone at a time and Caden, well, he just has no interest in walking on his own, but loves to walk holding onto furniture.

And, they laugh, giggle and talk all of the time. They are such happy babies and are so easy to please. Caden's favorite sound to make is "Mom" and will repeat it over and over to his little hearts content. This is so fitting since he has grown into quite the Mama's boy. Colton has said several clear words such as "kisses", "fishies", "Yeah", "Caden", and "Colton". Logan was speaking clear, three word senteces at 18 months and I think that Colton will surely follow in those footsteps.

They are both really busy and are constantly on the move, giving me a great workout! Since September I have lost 20 pounds and am officially at my wedding day weight. I'd like to lose another 10 pounds, but have fallen off of the weight loss bandwagon with the holidays. I need to get in shape so I can keep up with these Little Monkeys when they are running all over the place! :)

What a great year we have had! I can't wait to see what this coming year brings for all of us as I continue to watch my three boys grow and change. These three little miracles whom I love more than I could ever express in words. How did I get so lucky?

Rough Weekend

2011-01-10T09:51:00.004-06:00

On Friday we received a phone call that DHs grandwas was very ill. She has been battling cancer for some time and it seemed to be getting better and her cancer spots were shrinking with new treatment that she started a couple of months ago. We saw her on Christmas Eve and she looked good, although she had just been released from the hospital that day from one of several hospitalizations she had in the past few months. It seems that last week she developed an infection somewhere in her body and her blood cell count was too low to fight the infection. She went from coherent conversations on Friday morning to passing away Saturday afternoon.

DH and I went to the hospital on Friday afternoon to see her and say our goodbyes. She was sleeping when we went there, so DH and I placed our hands on her and I told her that we were there and thank you for being such a good grandma and great-grandma. I told her that we love her and that Logan, Caden and Colton love her. She loved her family fiercly and Logan and her had such a neat bond.

When we got home I explained to Logan that we were not home when he got home from school because we had to go see great grandma at the hospital because she was sick (don't worry, my parents came over to take the kids for us while we went to the hospital). I explained that she had a great life and that she was going to go to Heaven soon to see Jesus. He looked at me, stuck his lower lip out and lowered his head. I asked him what was wrong. He looked up at me with his big blue eyes, lower lip sticking out and said, "I'm going to miss great grandma when she goes to Heaven". Melt my heart! DH and I talked with him and explained in simple terms about living life and death and that great grandma would always be with us and watch over us.

On Sunday we had a fun birthday celebration for all three boys with lots of cake in their face! :) I will post more about this soon, but for today more sadness.

Last night while we were getting the boys ready for bed we heard lots of emergency vehicle sirens. As I went to put Caden to bed I noticed two fire trucks entering our neighborhood. We live in the country and not much happens out here. So, I put Caden down and then I heard more and more sirens and saw too many emergency vehicles to count and then I looked into the distance of the dark, night sky and saw billows of smoke and above the rooptop of another neighbors house I saw huge flames. I instantly got a sick feeling in my stomach. After talking to a couple of neighbors we determined whose house was on fire. When Logan saw it he said, "I bet that great grandma can see all of this. I am so sad, I think I am going to cry. I feel so bad for them, Mom." Ahhh, my little sensitive, caring soul. :)

A fire, no matter where it is, is a huge deal. What made this one unique is that dozens of fire trucks were called in to help put this fire out. You see, we live in an area that does not have fire hydrants because we are not hooked to city water. We all have our own private well water. So the trucks had to go to the two closest hydrants to pump water into the fire trucks so that they could come back and spray the water on the fire. We are about 1.5 miles from the nearest hydrant. And, with the icey cold weather last night the area around the hydrants was freezing and causing a hazard for firefighters. And all of the gawkers that came by it made it more challenging to navigate the area to get the fire under control and eventually put out.

Our neighbors were out to dinner at the local restaurant and were not home at the time. They did have family pets who did not survive the fire. I know that it is sad to lose pets, but am so thankful they were not home at the time. They have three grown children and several grandchildren who live in the area.

Throughout the year my neighboorhood of about 20-25 houses has several get-togethers. I know all of my neighbors and although I am not particularly close to this couple, we feel their loss. The loss of everything is so devastating and to just watch from my window as their house burned down was sickening. I have left messages for two of my neighbors who seem to know what is going on to see what we can do to help this couple.

So, the week that was not looking too busy is beginning to fill up. We have the wake and funeral for DHs grandma on Wednesday and Thursday and hopefully I can do something to help my neighbors this week.

Here's a sneak peak at my next post: CAKE EVERYWHERE!

The Big Oh-ONE!

2011-01-06T14:58:00.002-06:00

One year ago today my Little Monkeys, aka The Brothers, aka The Little Boys, aka Caden and Colton were born! We started off the day with a banana and a donut of all things! :) Pretty healthy, I know, but Big Brother Logan thought it would be a great way to start their day. When they woke up this morning we went into their room and yelled "Happy Birthday", they both just smiled at us and got all happy. We have been hanging out all day in their jammies and playing. We have been running all around town for the past couple of weeks and all this week so I thought it would be fun for them to have a lounge around the house day. I keep singing the "Happy Birthday" song to them all day today and they smile and giggle every time. They always love when I sing to them (even though I am a horrible singer!), especially when they are having a crabby moment. For some reason my singing calms them down, who'd have thought, right?

We have a couple of birthday festivities planned this week. Yesterday I brought them in to get their one year pics taken (I also had their 3 month, 6 month and 9 month pics taken). Colton was full of smiles, but Caden was so serious yesterday and we couldn't crack a smile out of him. I will be bringing them in again next week to try again. Tonight we are going to go to a local restaurant for dinner and the boys will get an ice cream sundae for dessert on their special day. Tomorrow we have their one year well-check with the pediatrician. On Sunday we are having our family over to celebrate Logan's 6th and Caden and Colton's 1st birthdays.

In the next couple of days I will post more about their birthdays, but for right now, they are waking up from their naps and I need to go sing "Happy Birthday" to them again! :)

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011!

2011-01-03T14:31:00.003-06:00

As much as I loved 2010, I am happy for the new year. Happy with the possibility of a fresh start that only the new year can bring. Not that things are bad right now, but the new year brings the freshness like the melting of snow and greening of grass that springtime brings. I have high hopes for 2011. It won't be an easy year, but it will be a fun one. Having two babies that turn ONE in a couple of days (sniff, sniff) and an ever growing six year old will continue to challenge us in a good way. As our three boys continue to change and go through different life phases, we will continue to grow together as a family. We will embark on adventures together that will not only create memories of a lifetime, but will allow us to be together and to continue to create a strong family bond.

So, HELLO 2011! Bring on the fun and excitement!

Open Wounds

2010-12-23T10:01:00.002-06:00

It is always at this time of year that I begin to evaluate my life and the year I have had. This time of year we not only celebrate the holidays, but the births of my three boys. It is impossible to not feel the thankfulness of these three gifts at such a humble, joyful and giving time of year.

Last night, by chance, I came across "Giu.li.ana and Bi.ll". I have always been a fan of Bill since his "App.ren.tice" days and the one other time I saw this show I loved how this couple interacted together. The episode that I watched was her final IVF cycle where, at the end, she found out that she was not pregnant. Through the show they showed them going in for their transfer, with parents in tow for well-wishes and good luck, Giu.li.ana on bed rest after the transfer, them eating a romantic dinner with so many positive thoughts and hopes for this cycle and the phone call from their RE with the BFN news.

As I was watching this show, I got choked up several times. It is so hard to go back and see these emotions and feel all of the same emotions come surfacing to the top. My DH also was having some emotions surface and kept making comments like, "they are so naive", "they have no clue what is about to hit them". Not in a mean-spirited way about them, but rather reflections from our IF journey.

It was hard to shake the heavy heart and tears as the show closed with Bill giving Giu.li.ana a pep talk while she was reading a letter from a fan and trying to hold back her tears. After the show was done I felt such profound loss. Loss for them and their journey, and remembering our losses. It was like the scars from our IF journey came ripping open and I couldn't stop.

In that moment I realized that no matter that my family is now complete, I still have, and always will have, those IF wounds. Sure, having the Little Monkeys has helped (and, of course, I am so thankful to have them), but my journey is still a part of me, and my DH. It is shaped who we are today and I don't think that even though we have had success that would could ever forget where we have come from to where we are today.

It is with a heavy heart, that I extend to my fellow IFers a wish for peace, healing and joy this holiday season. Whether you have your baby in your arms, your baby in your hearts or your baby waiting to come home to you I am still "all in" this together, with you, rooting you on and wishing only the best for you.

Partner in Crime

2010-12-17T14:16:00.003-06:00

With the recent snowfall here in Minnesota along came a change in our daily routine. We have a seasonal business wherein my husband doesn't work much, maybe 15-20 hours/week, in the winter months when the ground is frozen and there is 20" if snow on the ground. It makes it hard to dig/rip through the frost and unsafe to do so as underground utilities are hard to locate and navigate through properly. What this means for me is that I have a partner in crime to help me through my days.

This week has been so much fun! My DH has been around a ton to help me with the Little Monkeys during the day, including doing some Christmas shopping with us and going out to lunch with the Little Monkeys twice, and he even surprised Logan (and I) by picking him up from school one day so that they could go on a snowmobile ride together. I love that my husband has the opportunity to be so involved in our daily routine for 2-3 months out of the year because the rest of the year he is working 60-70 hours/week.

It is nice that we have our two businesses, but sometimes it really can cut into our family life. I am thankful, though, that this summer my DH made it a point to be home from work by 5:30 every evening to help out with our nighttime routine. I think there was only two nights this whole summer that he was home after the kids went to bed. This is a huge improvement from previous years and one that we both have struggled with knowing that he has to work when the work is available and knowing that the payoff is that he will have more time to be with the family in the winter months.

Lest you think any different, my husband is an AWESOME husband and an even better daddy. He will do whatever it takes to be there for us when we need him, even if he has a ton of work to do. A couple of months ago the power went out at our house in the morning right in the middle of me making coffee. When Logan woke up he was bummed that the power went out too. I called DH to tell him the power was out and he came home from work so that we could all go out for breakfast and wait for the power to come back on. And, last week when both babies woke up in the morning throwing up and I was trying to clean everything and get Logan out the door onto the school bus, my DH came home and gave me a hand giving the babies a bath and getting Logan off to school. It's the little things like this that make the winter months so much better and are able to help me through the long days of summer. Because just when I am struggling with my hands full- literally- he is right there ready to dig in and give me a hand.

So, yipee for me! My DH is around more for the next couple of months and it is just what I needed to get some much needed projects done uninterrupted. WOOOOHOOO!

A Rash, MinneSNOWta, and The UnTwins

2010-12-13T13:51:00.008-06:00

The last week has brought sickness to our house. It started Wednesday morning when Caden woke up looking like this:

The little guy had thrown up in his crib overnight and never made a fuss! He had a rash from sleeping in his food that he had eaten for dinner the night before. Poor little honey looked so sad and cute at the same time. During breakfast Colton ended up throwing up and then they both began on huge blowout diarhea diapers for a few days. Add in Logan throwing up SIX times (now, that's impressive!) on Thursday night and a mommy not feeling good on Friday and let's just say that I am glad we are all feeling much better. And, rest assured that with many applications of Avee.no lotion, Caden's rash was gone by the next morning.

Then, the SNOW began. We got 20" of snow between Friday night and Saturday morning! WOW, what a winter wonderland! DH and Logan were able to go on a little snowmobile ride on Saturday morning on the snowmobile trail across from our house, but got buried by the snowplow going by so they decided to turn aroound and come back home. I think they will wait until the groomer goes by and try again.

View from my front window

View out my front door

Colton, Logan and Caden

Logan

This last week of sickness and snow ended this morning with an odd conversation with a friend. She was telling me that she has a cousin who has twins from IVF. The grandmother of the twins was telling my friends mom that because they were "different" that they were not twins. As she started to imply that Caden and Colton were not twins I looked at her and said, "what are you talking about?" She explained that this is what her aunt had said. I said, "well did she say that because they are not identical?" She assumed that is why but then said something about them being from two different eggs and something about them having the same genetic material and that they didn't use donor egg or sperm. I explained that there were plenty of twins who were conceived naturally from two different eggs, ie, fraternal twins, and they are still considered twins. Seriously...it was the weirdest conversation I had ever had. After she left I was trying to figure out if her aunt thought that that her grandchildren were not twins because they were fraternal or because they came from an IVF cycle. Either way, they are still twins. If two babies are born from the same mom at the same time then they are TWINS for Heaven's sake!

All About Logan

2010-12-03T13:50:00.003-06:00

Since it is his birthday week, I thought I would share some more things about my birthday boy.

A couple of weeks ago we went to his school conferences. I asked him before we went if his teacher was going to say anything bad about him. I just wanted him to be honest and feel like he could tell us if there were issues going on at school. He responded, "No, I don't think so". As we are going through the conference folder with his teacher she told us that he was the only student in the class that knew what each letter in the alphabet was and what sound it made. Then she flipped to the next page and showed us an evaluation on different parts of words, comprehension, spelling, etc (there were about 20 different areas on words and their structures). As she was going over each area with us she told us that he scored the highest in the class. WOW! We couldn't believe that he was doing so well. She also noted that she has six students on behavior charts in the class and that Logan was not one of them. He has also made friends and plays well with the other students in class. It was definitely a time where DH and I basked in the glow of our parenting success and gave ourselves a pat on the back! We couldn't wait to get home and love him up and tell him how proud we are of him and his accomplishments.

About a month ago Logan spent some time up at our shop (where we run our businesses out of) with my dad. My dad likes to ding around up there and have Logan join him and they bond over "guy stuff". Sitting on one of the shelves was a kid-size snowmobile that we bought used a couple of months ago. We bought it for our boys, but weren't decided on when to give it to Logan (and his brothers who will someday ride it as well), so it was just sitting at the shop. Logan saw it that day and asked my dad, "is that mine, Grandpa?" My dad told him that it was actually his (my dads). Logan told my dad that he was too big for it, so my dad made up a funny story to tell Logan about how it was his and how he, even though he seemed bigger than the snowmobile, rides it. My dad knew that we had not yet told Logan that it was his so he was doing his best to not let Logan know it was his.

A couple of days later Logan brought up the snowmobile to DH and I and how he saw it at the shop. He told us what my dad had told him and then he said, "...but I don't think it is grandpas because he is too big for it. Grandpa is as big as a Christmas tree so he can't fit on it". It was too funny! He is such a thinker! And we loved his Christmas tree analogy!

This week when we were at swimming lessons I had to tell Logan twice to get undressed and into his swimsuit. He likes to lolly gag at swimming lessons for some reason so the second time I asked him in a louder voice, not a yell, but louder to make sure he heard me, "Logan, please take off your boots, put them in the bottom of the stroller, put your clothes in the bag, go to the bathroom and put your swimsuit on!" He looked at me and with the cutest smile under his breath he said, "Your SO sassy". Just the way he said it made me turn my head and laugh. I asked him, "why do you think I am being sassy?" He explained, "well, you are mad at me". I told him, "I'm not mad at you at all. I just want you to get ready to go into the pool." As he turned away to get into his swimsuit DH and I started laughing so hard. It was one of those moments that just brings a smile to your face, not because of what he said, but how he said it.

Some days I just don't know how I got so lucky to have this child. He brings so much joy to our family. Even when the Brothers (aka Little Monkeys, aka Caden and Colton) are both screaming about something and needing our attention it doesn't bother him at all. He is so patient with the Brothers and does whatever he can to make them laugh and plays with them all of the time. He has a sense of what is right and what is wrong and we rarely have to discipline him for bad behavior. He is beginning to read simple sentences and loves learning at school. He finds friends wherever he goes and loves meeting new people. He is easy-going, but definitely is not afraid to share his opinions when they matter to him. And each day he gets on the bus to go to school, my heart melts just a little bit as I watch this little child, who is becoming a big boy, go into the world without me. Bittersweet.

Happy Birthday, Logan!

2010-12-01T14:17:00.006-06:00

It is 6:28am. Six years ago. I am looking at a scrunched up face of my first born. My hands are strapped to the OR table. I am smiling. A huge smile. Looking at this new little creature and wondering who he is. Who he will be. Wanting to know everything about him. Wanting to hold him, but I will have to wait for that. I have just been through 36 hours of labor and an emergency c-section. But it doesn't matter. Because my baby is here, safely. Even after swallowing some meconium in utero during the long labor.

After going through recovery and then landing back in my room, I can't wait to hold my baby. But he is whisked away again, for a "boy" procedure. Another hour passes. I am finally able to hold my baby boy, Logan. My eyes well up. All I can do is stare at this child. Mine, all mine. Well, and DHs too. This little one who grew in my belly for nine months. And I am happy. Oh so happy. My heart is outside of my body and in this child. Looking at him, there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. Nothing.

Today that baby turns SIX! I feel like he was born just yesterday. My memory of his conception (hahah- memorable night!), the day I found I out I was pregnant with him and the day he was born are all still so vivid.

Our First Meeting :)

DH in the nursery with Logan while I am in recovery

The last six years of my life have been the best years. I can't even tell you how much I love that little boy, that is getting bigger by the moment. He puts a smile on my face and tears of joy in my eyes. My first born just melts my heart (his little brothers do too, but more on them on their birthday next month!).

We started off the day by having birthday cake and a banana for breakfast (I know, pretty healthy, but his birthday only comes one time a year). After breakfast he opened his birthday presents and DH helped him take everything out of the boxes and set everything up. The Little Monkeys joined in the fun by drinking their bottles and eating their breakfast in the dark whiile we sang happy birthday and Logan blew out his candles. They also spent a lot of time playing with the wrapping paper.

DH brought Logan to school today along with cupcakes for snack time. My dad, the Little Monkeys and I went up to school to have lunch with him and DH is picking him up from school today as well. For dinner, Logan wanted to go to one of his two favorite places for dinner- Jim.my Jo.hn's or Chip.otle :) I gave him so many other restaurant options for dinner and asked him if he wanted me to cook his special birthday meal. He still chose one of these two restaurants. Cracks me up that he didn't even pick Mc.Don.alds, which we hardly ever eat.

After dinner we have swimming lessons. Logan is in one class and DH, Caden, Colton and I are in another class right next to Logan in the pool.

On Saturday, Logan is having a pizza party at the local pizza place with 10 friends. Thankfully, my parents are coming over to hang out with Caden and Colton while DH and I tackle the 10 boys at the pizza party! :)

SIX YEARS OLD! I can't believe it. And neither can he. At lunch today he went up to my dad and said, "Grandpa, I can't believe I am SIX today!".

Two days old

Beyond Thankful

2010-11-28T15:01:00.004-06:00

This past Thanksgiving was arguably the best ever. Why? Well, the obvious, of course. Four boys whom I love more than life. Food on the table with family, who are healthy (besides my dad's knee that he had replaced a couple of weeks ago, but more on that later). A roof over my head and a warm bed at night. A good RE who helped create two little monkeys. My first born who was created when I had no idea that there was another way to create life. And so many more reasons, too many to count.

Life is good. It's really good. And this is the first Thanksgiving in years that I have been able to throw myself into the thankfulness of it all, without restraint. For as I sit here today, my life and my family are complete. The missing pieces to the puzzle have been placed. My heart is full and so is my house.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Zoo Animals

2010-11-22T13:43:00.009-06:00

I have so many blog posts swimming around in my little brain that it is a bit overwhelming. I haven't posted in awhile because I have so much going on and so much to say that it has put me right in to shut down mode. Where do you begin when there is so much to say? Today is my first step and coming out of a pile of good things to share, but don't know where to start.

Here are a couple of Halloween pics to get me started:

Logan playing a Halloween game at my sisters house

Me holding Colton the Tiger

Me holding Caden the Giraffe

DH and I (the unofficial zoo keepers) and our zoo animals in front of my sisters house

Logan the Gorilla

In the almost month since Halloween we have had a lot going on. A lot of good things, really good things and some things that are not so good right now, but will be good soon. More to come...I have a list of topics to talk about and my writers block is gone!

Green Anaconda

2010-10-27T14:00:00.004-05:00

I don't know what it is about this song, but whenever my boys get fussy all we have to do is turn this on our App.le TV and voila! they are captivated and HAPPY. It is so funny! No matter what they are doing at the time whether it be playing with toys, fussing about something or in another room they stop whatever they are doing and look at the TV when this song starts playing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F000UK_kUq4

All of my boys are doing really good, other than a little fussiness here and there. Logan is loving kindergarten and comes home from school and immediately starts his homework (yes, he has math homework almost every day!). He loves school and his friends, but his teacher...not so much. In my opinion, she is a nice enough gal, but she is a bit like a drill sergeant with the kids. I have talked to her a couple of times and it has been hinted to me that she has a difficult class. While it is hard to know that Logan isn't particularly fond of his kindergarten teacher, I understand the balance she needs to maintain trying to keep order in her classroom. I am thankful that there is an assistant in his classroom that Logan LOVES and he seems to enjoy going to school overall. I think his biggest problem with his teacher is that she has a lot of rules and that the whole class gets held back from doing things because she is trying to wrangle in the kids who aren't so "orderly" (for lack of a better word). I am just thankful that Logan is well-behaved at school and that he hasn't gotten into any trouble. Although I am sure that day will come as he gets older :)

Caden is as sweet as ever. He is so calm and content and just has such a sweet little personality. He will sit and stare at me with a slight smile on his face and it is so cute. He loves to follow me around with his eyes and keep tabs on me. I have caught him many times just sitting somewhere laughing at pretty much nothing. This weekend we visited some friends and he was sitting in their bathroom by himself (I was in the adjoining bedroom and he had crawled into the bathroom) laughing hysterically. He didn't have any toys or wasn't looking at anything in particular, unless you call the bathroom cabinet something interesting), but yet he was belly laughing. He is crawling around, but is most content just hanging out and being his laid back self. Caden is also so flexible, as in he can do all out splits and can sit with his legs outspread and put his nose to the ground. It is quite the sight to see!

Colton is still a bit more vocal and likes to tell us when he is upset, as well as when he is happy. He has a smile that lights up the world and loves to laugh, especially at Caden and Logan. He loves his brothers faces! He also loves to crawl over to Caden, push him over and take his toys. In all sincerity I don't really believe that he is aggressive, I believe that he is just playful and doesn't know how to be more gentle. Thankfully Caden thinks this is funny and laughs hysterically and pretty soon they are both laughing together. Colton is crawling all over the place and we had to put up gates to keep him a little more contained. He is also trying to pull himself up and can take a few steps with assistance. This is the little boy I will be chasing after next summer.

I am loving how all three of my boys are interacting more and more. Logan is such a good big brother and he loves his little brothers. He is gentle with them and loves to hug and kiss them. He often, out of the blue, says, "Mom, I love my brothers". I tell him that Caden and Colton love him too and that when they get older and can talk that they will be able to tell him how much they love him. It is so cute to see the softer side of my little Logan. He is such a neat kid and as he grows I am continuing to learn more about him and how to see the world through his almost six year old eyes.

Now, a list of other things to come:

---We are planning a possible vacation to Mex.ico this winter with some dear friends. We will be bringing the kids with us so it should be quite the adventure and tons of fun. We are hoping to go somewhere in the Pla.ya del Car.men/Riv.iera Ma.ya area and stay at an all-inclusive resort. If you have any suggestions on where to stay, let me know!

----The zoo will be visiting us this Halloween! I will have my own gorilla, giraffe and tiger and DH and will be the Zookeepers. Logan has a Halloween party and parade at school, we have trick-or-treating in my neighborhood on Saturday and my sister's Halloween party and Sunday we will be heading to my sisters neighborhood to do some more trick-or-treating. Should be a fun, candy-filled weekend.

---- I am planning Logan's 6th birthday party to be at a nearby pizza place. He and his friends will be making their own pizzas and we will be having cupcakes and games while we wait for our pizzas to bake. This is the first friend party he will have and he can't wait!

----I am starting to prepare my Christmas lists and get an idea of what to buy everyone for Christmas. I have some ideas for Logan, but am having a hard time finding things for the Little Monkeys. Does anyone have any suggestions for two almost one year olds?

----DH and I are starting to plan a two day getaway in January. My parents will be coming to take care of the kids while we get out of town and enjoy some couple time. We have never been away from Logan (or Caden and Colton) for more than one night so this is a big deal for us. We are looking forward to some time away and are thankful that we can get away for a couple of days to relax, reconnect and rejuvenate.

That's about it for now! I hope you all are doing well and I am continuing to read all of your blogs. I check them everyday, but usually have someone on my lap so commenting is not always an option.

Tips for Moms

2010-10-14T09:13:00.006-05:00

Having a baby(ies) for the first time or the third time is a huge adjustment. There are lots of things to research and do before having baby and so much more to do after they are born. To make it a little easier I have thought of a few things that were recommended to DH and I or things that we have done to make the adjustment a little bit easier and now I am sharing them with you. You might find some of these things helpful or not, but either way you will find what works best, or not, for your family.

Buy in Bulk- Before all of my babies were born I stocked up on everything. From toilet paper, to toothpaste to diapers and detergent to already cooked meals (either ones I had made and froze or from Let'.s Di.sh). One thing that is hard to do when you are so tired from those sleepless nights and possibly recovering from a c-section is to go to the store. If you have room to store stuff, then buying in bulk is so worth it. We have a membership at Sa.m's Clu.b and I buy all of our paper products there as well as many food items from there so that I always have it on hand to cook with. I buy hamburger and put it into 1 pound increments and freeze it in a ziploc. I also divide up steak, chicken and pork chops and freeze them too. I buy a 5 pound bag of corn and throw a little bit at a time on the stove top as a quick side dish. I buy snacks like applesauce, animal crackers and cheese and crackers and throw them in the "snack bowl" in the pantry for Logan to get on his own at snack time. And on the bottom of my pantry I have toilet paper, kleenex and paper towels at my disposal. It does cost a lot to buy in bulk because you are getting more product, but in the end when you do a cost analysis of the items you purchased in bulk vs. buying at the grocery store or tar.get it is usually cheaper in the long run.

Bring Baby With You-Getting out and about with your new baby(ies) can be quite the task. From making sure you have everything in the diaper bag to getting dressed and ready to get out of the house. In my experience, the sooner you leave your house after your baby is born, the better and the more you get out, the easier it is. When Logan was three months old we hopped on a plane and went to Florida in the middle of our cold Minnesota winter. We decided to go on a Saturday afternoon and on Sunday morning at 7:00am we were boarding our plane. When Caden and Colton were eight weeks old we again hopped on a plane with all three of our children to Florida. Granted it was A LOT easier to do it with just Logan the first time around, I am so glad that we did it with Caden and Colton too. It helped me know that I can get out of my house and into the world. And packing up each day to go to Dis.ney Wor.ld and other attractions helped me get into a good "groove" of getting out of the house. At these ages it was so easy to travel too because the babies slept so much still that the flights were very calm and even going to Dis.ney Wor.ld was fairly easy because they slept through most of the day. When we went with Logan to Florida we did not go to Dis.ney, but we did hang out a whole lot by the pool, have a couple of drinks and just relaxed while our new bundle slept peacefully between our legs on the lounge chair poolside. BEST TRIP EVER!

Keep Your Diaper Bag Packed- Plan ahead and make sure you have everything in the diaper bag. When I stock my diaper bag I put everything and more into it. I have 10-15 diapers, a whole pack of wipes, four bibs, four burp cloths, des.it.in, toys, diaper changing pad, extra outfit in case of a blow out, wallet, and cell phone. I use a back pack right now because I need to have both hands free for both babies so all of this stuff fits nicely and it is easy to carry. I do keep a sample size thing of formula in the diaper bag so that I don't have to refill it that often, which leads me to my next topic...

Formula By The Pitcher- In addition, I make a pitcher of formula at a time and fill a days worth of bottles each day. When I go someplace I put the premade bottles in a cooler with an ice pack and when it is time to eat all I have to do is pull the bottle out of cooler. This may not work for everyone though. I have always given all three of my boys their bottles straight out of the fridge cold so they are not used to getting a warm bottle. Obviously if your newborn is having a hard time maintaining their body temp, I would not serve them a cold bottle out of the fridge. Even though my boys did not have a hard time maintaining their body temp, I did wrap them in a blanket when I fed them. For us, convenience of having pre-made bottles has been a life saver, especially when both babies were screaming to be fed at the same time. When they were really little we would fill a cooler of eight bottles and bring it up to our bedroom at night for those middle of the night feedings so that all we had to do was pull two bottles out of the cooler.

Date Night- It is important to get out of the house or to spend time together inside of the house. When Logan was three weeks old I felt like I needed a little break. We brought him to my parents house and then DH and I went to a movie at the theater down the street from their house. It was a nice, short little break and allowed DH and I to get out of the house for a bit. We did go out occasionally without Logan, especially when we were invited to functions without children. However, now that we have three children we find that it is more important to go out together. It is hard right now to have that quality time with DH at home after the kids go to bed because we have so much more going on during the day that it is hard to keep up with other things so we end up doing them after the kids go to bed. We thankfully have our nanny who is able to come and babysit the kids so that we can get out of the house for a couple of hours. We usually go out about one time/month, but if we are invited to other functions we do go out more often.

Make Friends- If you are deciding to be a SAHM after having your baby(ies) then try to make friends that are also home during the day. I had a really hard time adjusting to being a SAHM after Logan was born, not because I didn't want to be home, but because it was a huge change for me. Thankfully I had a few other friends who were also SAHM that I would get together for play dates with. Now that Caden and Colton are here, most of my friends have older children. I joined an early childhood education class with other moms whose children are Caden and Colton's age and I am also a member of my local moms of multiples club. It is fun to meet new people to share similar experiences with and to ask for advice from.

Do Laundry At Night- When all of my babies were still getting up in the middle of the night I would do laundry. Before I went to bed I would throw a load in the washer. When we got up to feed a couple of hours later I would put it in the dryer and throw a new load into the washer. When I got up a couple of hours later I would pull it out of the dryer and hang it and throw the load from the washer into the dryer. Repeat, repeat, repeat. There is so much laundry to do with newborns as well as laundry from the rest of the members of the family, that I found this to be a time-saving way to do laundry.

These are just a couple of things I thought of that have made my life easier. I hope you found something useful out of these suggestions and if not, that's fine too. :) You will find what works best for you and your family. :)

What tips do you have to make our lives as moms just a little bit easier?

IVF Weekend in Review

2010-10-06T14:47:00.005-05:00

I had such a great weekend this past weekend!

A couple of years ago I met a gal named J on IVFC. She lives in another state and when she found out that I lived in MN she told me that she has relatives who live in MN too. I told her that if she was ever in MN to let me know. Through the last couple of years we have stayed in contact and even became friends on FB. She had twin girls in July 2009 and we had our boys in January 2010. When she was pregnant with her girls she posted some belly pics on her FB page and I showed my DH the pics and his response was, "are you going to be that big?" My response was, "I hope so!" (I think that big pg bellies are the best! Big, healthy babies abound!)

So, a few months ago J told me that she was coming to MN this past weekend for a wedding. I penciled it in on my calendar and then just a couple of weeks ago we finalized our plans. I ended up picking her up at her hotel and we headed to the M.all of Amer.ica to grab some dinner and do some window shopping. We had so much fun! Talking about our kids, our IF journeys and just talking about girl stuff. And the mango margarita was awesome!

While we were at the Mall, we also hooked up with my friend S. S lives about three hours from me, but when I was talking to her last Thursday on the phone she told me that her and her DH were coming in to town on Friday for the weekend (he was running in a 10K on Saturday). I found out that they were also going to be at the Mall on Friday night for dinner. What are the chances?? I hardly ever to to the Mall (it is 45 minutes from my house) and for me to be there on the same night as them when they live three hours from the Mall. The last time I saw S and her DH was when they came to stay at our house in July for a weekend. I only get to see her a couple of times each year so it is always a treat when I get to spend time with them.

On Saturday we went to our local fire departments open house. They had all of the fire vehicles and a state trooper helicopter on display as well as fire truck rides, a fire truck jumper, activities and balloons for the kids.

Logan in the state trooper helicopter

On Sunday we were invited to the M.all of Amer.ica again to go to a birthday party that our RE throws every year for the babies he helped conceive. We met up with four of our IVF friends to go through the receiving line together to see our RE and his staff. The receptionist greeted us when we entered Under.water Wor.ld and she came up and gave me a hug. The next person that greeted us was the embryologist who was Caden and Colton's first babysitter :) I told her thank you for creating Caden and Colton's little lives. She said something along the lines of "we don't create just lives, we create families". It was so cute! I loved it because even though this event was for Dr. S. to see the Little Monkeys we brought Logan with us because he is our family too. It just really resonated with me how she said it because I felt like she was including Logan too.

We then saw two of our favorite nurses and then our RE, Dr. S. We even got a really funny, haphazard picture of Dr. S. with our family. I wish we had gotten a better picture, but it was so busy that we were happy to just get the picture we got. Dr. S. remembered who we were, which is impressive since we have not been to our RE clinic since June 2009, and he remembered which cycle # we had conceived Caden and Colton on and he also remembered that we had consulted with Dr. School.craft at CC.RM. What a memory! And there were probably hundreds of people there! Maybe he just remembered us since we did five transfers with him and was receiving treatment at his clinic for almost 1.5 years. ;)

After we saw Dr. S. we all headed out to dinner together. Fun, fun, fun!

I'll leave you with a family picture of us taken in August:

Me, Five Years Ago

2010-09-28T09:49:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I went to a fellow mom of multiples house for a play date. There were six sets of twins there who were all nine months and younger. This is the fourth time I have gotten together with my moms of multiples group and each time a couple new faces show up. I love this group because we all have the joy and challenges of having multiples. It is fun to compare stories and receive information from others all the while having the bond of multiples.

But I also felt a bit disconnected.

On the 45 minute ride home the Little Monkeys fell asleep in the car and I had time to think. At the play date a couple of the moms were talking about how hard it is to have two babies. They are first time moms and having two at once can be quite the challenge. They then asked me how I was doing with having two babies. I explained that everything was going really well and that having twins this time is easier for me than having a singleton the first time around. They all looked at me in shock. I went on to further explain that if I had twins the first time I know that I would have struggled a lot. I had a hard time adjusting to being a new mom when Logan was born, trying to find my new role in life while quitting my job and taking on a whole new definition for myself, my new family and a whole new world/life. I also explained that while most days go off without a hitch for us, we do have our challenging days on occasion. They all looked at me with relief.

As much as I love this group, it is also an adjustment for me. I have to go back and put myself in their shoes, exactly where I was five years ago when Logan was born. It seems so long ago that I was adjusting to my new role as a mom and I have come a long way in the last five years and have been through so much trying to have Caden and Colton that I don't feel overwhelmed like I did back then. I am much more relaxed, calm and confident as a mom this time around.

Yes, we have our daily routine and sometimes we fall off of the routine and our days end up a little...scary, I'll say, but then the end of the day comes and I look at my boys sleeping peacefully in their cribs and my big boy, Logan, sprawled across his bed and it is hard not to find the joy in a day that has been challenging or difficult or trying. Those are the times that I tear up and know just how thankful I am to have all of my boys. I know that a new day will come tomorrow and it is a fresh start. I am determined to make each day great and not take for granted or get caught up on or dwell on the craziness of the day before.

After all, having a challenging day with all of my boys is so much easier than having a challenging day of going through IF. I would rather have the challenge of having two babies crying about something (which rarely happens since usually if one is crying the other is laughing at him crying), having two babies to lug in and out of the grocery store or any other errands, having two babies screaming for their bottles at the same time, having two babies to carry up and down the stairs of our two-story house six times/day than to have the challenge of IF again.

Sad to say, when Logan was a baby, I didn't always take these things in stride so well. Most of the time I did, but there were times that I did feel overwhelmed and would need to get out when my DH came home from work. I felt exactly how my fellow moms of multiples felt, only five years ago. With the realization that I was them five years ago, I have found the connection with these women.

These women who I am able to see the new, fresh outlook of being a mom. Whom I am able to remember the joy of "firsts" with Logan and whom I can draw on for the freshness with being a mom to Caden and Colton. Even though I feel comfortable in my role as a mom, I love to view the world through others eyes. And through these women I am able to see the "firsts" of Caden and Colton like it is a new day, a new beginning of life and to celebrate Logan again and all of the "firsts" and joy he brings to my life.

The Routine of It All

2010-09-16T14:47:00.004-05:00

Now that Logan is at school all day, every day (the only option in our school district) the babies and I are getting situated into our new routine. Each morning I bundle the Little Monkeys up and put them in their stroller so that we can walk Logan to his bus stop at the end of our driveway. His bus arrives at 8:22am and he doesn't get dropped off until 4:09pm. That is a long day for my kindergartner! He is loving school and looks forward to going each day. Every morning when he hops up in the bus he looks out the window at me and waves and I wave back and blow him kisses until I can't see his smiling little face anymore. Oh, the joys at that age make me smile. He has made a couple of friends so far and has someone that he sits by on the bus. My little boy is adjusting quite well to this big change.

After he gets on the bus the Little Monkeys and I go for walk. It is peaceful in the morning and a good way to start our day with some fresh air and to help this Momma lose that extra 10 pounds from my pregnancy. When we get home, the Little Monkeys head up to their cribs for their first nap from 8:45-10:15. Once they get up, they eat and we either head out on some errands or hang around the house and they help me get some chores done. OK, so they don't really help with the chores, but they are fun to talk to while I work and I take lots of breaks to play with them.

They eat lunch at 12:30 and then go down for their afternoon nap at 1:15-3:30. While they nap I work in my home office and get some misc things done around the house. After their nap they have a little bit of time to wake up, play and then I change their diapers and load them in the stroller or lay a blanket out in the front yard and place them on it so that we can greet Logan when he gets off of the bus. After Logan gets home, I feed the babies and then he gets to play with them while I prep dinner. DH is home at 5:00 and we eat dinner at 5:30. We start baths or showers (yes, all four of my boys shower. DH hops in the shower with two shower heads with Logan and I hand him one baby at a time to wash. Logan loves showering and playing in the water and Caden and Colton love trying to "catch" the water from the shower) at 6:30, feed the babies at 7:00 and then they go to bed. Logan gets some time with mom and dad before DH reads him some books at 8:00 and then he goes to bed.

Our days are pretty routine, and I like it that way. I like the predictability of the "schedule" our house runs on. But I also like to shake things up a bit too. Next week, Caden, Colton and I will be starting an early childhood class one day/week and I have play dates with my mom's of multiples groups and other friends who are home with their kids during the day as well. I also have a ton of work and some fun non-work projects to do this fall.

My biggest project, however, is to cherish each moment with the Little Monkeys and Logan. Before I know it, Caden and Colton will be hopping on that bus alongside their big brother and Logan will be wanting to spend more and more time with his friends. Where does time go?

First Day of Kindergarten

2010-09-07T13:46:00.002-05:00

For three years every time we drove past Logan's future elementary school we would tell him, "that is where you are going to kindergarten!". Over the years we have nicknamed it "Kindergarten School". In all of those times that we talked about him going to school there, I never imagined the day that he would actually go there. Sure, I knew it was coming one of these years. but how quickly those years have passed us by!

Last night before bed my DH and I were talking about how fast the past 5+ years have gone by and how we remember Logan when he was Caden and Colton's age. After a few minutes I began sobbing uncontrollably and worrying about my little boy hopping on the bus and going to school all day, every day (the only option my school district offers). Who would he sit by on the bus? How would he remember which classroom was his? Would he be nervous or scared? What if he didn't like it? etc.

And what about me (yes, I know it isn't about me, but....)? What would I do all day with him at school? Sure, I have Caden and Colton to keep me plenty busy, but they don't talk yet and the house is so quiet without Logan here. I have been mostly home with him for all of his life and now he is leaving me, how dare he! (OK, I am just being sarcastic here) And what about all of the things I want to do with him still, but I won't be able to because he will be at school. Really, by this point you would have thought that I was never going to see my beautiful little angel boy again. I was really working myself up.

Before I went to sleep last night I went into Logan's room, kissed him on his cheek as he lay sleeping peacefully, and then whispered in his ear, "I'm so excited for you and for the adventures that lie ahead for you."

Logan woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face excited to go to kindergarten. He got dressed in his outfit I put out for him last night and then came bounding down the stairs to his favorite breakfast of french toast and a berry smoothie. After breakfast DH and I took several pictures of him and then he tied his own shoes and then we loaded Caden and Colton into their stroller and headed out to the end of our driveway, where his bus stop is located (we live on a county road and our house is set a little bit off of the road so I will be walking him down to the end of the driveway every day).

As we waited for the bus to come I reminded him of all of things going on for the day: your lunch is in your back pack, if you forget the name of your bus, here is your bus card, your teachers name is (name), please give your teacher the forms in your backpack, etc. He looked at me and said, "I don't think I can remember all of this. Can you come with me today?". I reassured him that he would be fine and told him that the only things he really needed to remember are that his lunch was in his backpack (as opposed to eating "hot lunch") and the name of his school bus.

All of the sudden his bus was coming down the street....and then it passed right by our driveway! As the driver was passing by he looked and saw us standing there and stopped. He confirmed our address and asked where our son was supposed to be. We confirmed all of the information and that Logan should be on this bus (we changed his bus stop last week and apparently the bus driver was not informed). As we crossed in front of the bus Logan was running, he was so excited to ride the bus. I caught up with him just as he was running up the stairs and said, "wait! I need a picture!". He turned around with a HUGE grin on his face, let me take the picture and then found a seat.

After he got on the bus, DH and I loaded Caden and Colton into their car seats and we headed up to school to make sure that he made it safely and that he knew where to go once he got off of the bus. Yes, I officially stalked my child on his first day of kindergarten! Once his bus pulled up in front of school I got out of the car and followed him in to school and down to his classroom. I caught up with him as he was hanging up his back pack and his jacket on his coat rack. When I saw him I say, "Hey!" He looked at me, still smiling and said, "Mom! You came!" I explained that I wanted to make sure he made it to school safely. Then I asked him, "how was the bus ride?" He, still smiling, said, "Good! But we went a funny way to school" and started laughing. He thought it was funny that they drove all around picking up the other kids rather than driving straight to school. I gave him a kiss and his teacher asked him to find an open seat and I left....with my heart heavy and full.

My little boy knew exactly where to go and what to do, without me. How did time fly by so quickly?? And in two hours when he gets off of that bus I am going to give him the biggest kiss and hug and tell him how much I love him and missed him. As much as I miss him I am so excited for him and this new adventure ahead. And, in another short five years I will be doing the same with Caden and Colton. How quickly time flies!

Cheers to cherishing each moment!

Summer Fun

2010-08-22T14:53:00.019-05:00

This summer has been so much fun! From camping most weekends, to play dates throughout the week and watching the Little Monkeys grow more and more each day to watching Logan mature and get ready for kindergarten, it has been quite the whirlwind! The time has gone by so fast and in just two short weeks Logan will be starting kindergarten. I can hardly believe the time has come!

My DH had his 34th birthday in July. The boys and I ended up getting him Apple TV for his birthday and he was so excited since he has wanted this for a couple of years after seeing it at our friends house. After having some computer issues we finally were able to get it installed and load all of our pictures onto it to view on our TV throughout the day. As I look at the pictures of Logan through the years I am amazed at how quickly time flies! To see these pics of him at the same age that Caden and Colton are now just blows my mind. It is fun to see how much all of the boys look similar at this age, but yet so different. Here is a glimpse:

Logan

Logan

Caden

Caden

Colton

Colton

And a pic of all three of them now.

My Big Boy Logan wanted to try his hand in feeding his brothers. What a good helper!

Caden, Logan and Colton

And some summer fun pictures:

Logan

Colton on left, Caden on right

Me holding Caden, my niece Ashley, my niece Abby, Logan, DH holding Colton who is pulling Logan's hair :)

Caden

Colton

This summer, I also survived four days with the boys and without my husband . DH had a guys weekend planned for some much needed rest, relaxation, and have a good ol' time away. He went to some drag races with six other guys, including my dad and BIL. And, in just a couple of weeks I will be heading out of town for a girls weekend away to scrapbook for four days. I can't wait to scrapbook all of the fun we have had this summer!

Tell me about your summer...what fun things have you done?

An Everyday Survival Kit

2010-08-13T14:41:00.002-05:00

I was given one of these survival kits a long time ago with each of these items placed in a bag with the words attached by a ribbon to the bag of items. As I was preparing for an upcoming scrapbooking weekend away I came across this and thought I would share it.

An Everyday Survival Kit

Toothpick - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others ...Matt. 7:1
Rubber band - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out ...Romans 8:28
Band Aid - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's ...Col. 3:12-14
Pencil - to remind you to list your blessings everyday ...Eph. 1:3
Eraser - to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay ...Gen. 50:15-21
Chewing gum - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything ...Phil. 4:13
Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your heavenly father ...John 3:16-17
Candy Kiss - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday ...1 John 4:7
Tea Bag - to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings ...1 Thess. 5:18

This is my gift to you. May God richly bless you.

To the world, you may just be somebody ...but to somebody, you may be the world.

Infertility Is Grief

2010-08-09T15:26:00.001-05:00

I came across this article on a friends FB page who is pursuing adoption and thought it was so relevant.

http://www.channel3000.com/health/10489743/detail.html

Six Month Well Check

2010-07-25T20:24:00.003-05:00

On Wednesday Caden and Colton had their six month well check. I was so excited for this appointment with their pediatrician because I had a ton of questions to ask him about feeding the boys solid foods. I forgot a lot of what I did with Logan in the past five years so it was a good time for a reminder on when to start certain things. They have both been eating solids for over a month, but I forgot when to introduce biter biscuts and other "chewable" foods. Our pediatrician would like us to feed the boys solids 3x/day, which we are currently doing 2x/day. He said that we can also introduce sippy cups to them, although they will take a while to get the hang of them. He also said that once they got the hang of eating biter biscuits without choking on them, that we could start to give them other soft table foods. The fun begins!

Since Wednesday we have tried a biter biscuit and have let them suck on some cantaloupe and watermelon. Colton dug right into the watermelon and was useing his gums to bite off chunks. He ate almost a whole 1"x1" square of watermelon! Caden ended up choking on his a bit and spit it out. He also made the funniest faces when I was letting him suck on the cantaloupe. I don't think he could figure out if he liked it or not.

They have also been experimenting with their sippy cups. I have been putting water and some ice cubes in them so at least if they can't quite get it to their mouths to drink that they get some amusement from the ice cubes hitting the sippy cup. Colton is better at holding his sippy cup and his bottle and Caden is trying here and there, but really has no interest in holding his bottle. He seems to have an easier time with his sippy.

I love this stage! As soon as I started playing around with different things this week I remembered doing all of this with Logan around the same age. It is so fun to see the expressions on their faces when they try something new or the look of concentration on their face as they try so hard to hold their bottles and sippy cups. I can't wait until we can pull out the cheerios to see how much they have to concentrate on picking them up and getting them into their little mouths.

And here are the stats for my Chunky Monkeys:

Caden
Length: 27", 72nd percentile
Weight: 19.0 lbs., 77th percentile
Head Circumference: 17", 35th percentile

Colton
Length: 27", 72nd percentile
Weight: 20.0 lbs, 89th percentile
Head Circumference: 17", 35th percentile

In short, the are the same length and have the same head circumference, but Colton weighs exactly one pound more than Caden. This explains Colton's rock solid torso and Cadens squishy one:):) My boys are continuing to grow so well and I love every pinchable inch of them!!

Recounting the Journey

2010-07-14T20:15:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I was telling Miss M, our nanny, the story of how Caden and Colton were conceived. She got all of the details and it was probably more than she bargained for when she innocently asked, "when you had Caden and Colton was there a chance that you could have had more babies?'

As I recounted the story of our many failed IVF cycles and the one successful cycle that brought me my Little Monkeys I was moved to tears. It was so bittersweet to go back and recount some of the most painful moments of my life and then in the next breath to recount some of the most happy moments. When I told her how I received the call from the clinic that I finally was pregnant and had an HCG level I was moved to tears just reliving that moment and she was too. What a journey! It still takes my breath away.

After I was done telling her the story she said that it was amazing that DH and I are still happily married because she knows that IF can tear a marriage apart. I completely agree! I explained to her that when I married my husband I knew that I loved him, but I didn't know how much I loved him until we experienced IF. I told her that each day I tell all of my boys how much I love them and I try to live each day as one filled with joy and thankfulness and not as a "to do" list. Yes, there are many things to do each day and my days are filled, sometimes too much, but my biggest project is to love my four boys to pieces. And, the smallest things that my DH does for me give me the greatest amount of happiness.

Not only was it good to relive our IF journey and share our story with Miss M, she, a fertile gal as far as I know, "got it". She shared tears and laughter with me and an amazing amount of support for the IF journey we had, which is downright PRICELESS! It was so fun to tell our story to someone who "got it". Did I mention that she "got it"? WOOHOO!!

Comments Found and Pictures

2010-06-27T21:45:00.005-05:00

WOOHOO! I found all of the comments that some of you posted when I was having commentng issues and was able to read them and post them. Thank you all for your comments on my Eating Worms post. You melt my heart:)

Here are some updated pics of my boys:

Colton on left, Caden on right

Caden on top left, Colton on top right, Logan on bottom

Logan getting ready to hang his bird feeders for the birds, which he calls his "customers" (have no idea why). When we first hung them he sat on the deck for two days yelling into the trees, "Hey, Birdies, it's time to eat. Come get your food!!". It was super cute and hilarious.

Warning: Sporadic Posting Ahead

2010-06-23T11:03:00.003-05:00

Hello Fellow Bloggers! I think I have finally come to a a somewhat decision on my blog. This summer I will continue to post sporadically. It is just too busy a time of year for me to put coherent thoughts down. With Logan going to Kindergarten this fall let's just say that I am trying to soak up as much time with him as possible. He will be in all day every day Kindergarten from 9-3:30, which is a huge change from him going to preschool three days/week. I am going to miss him tons! I can't believe that the last 5+ years have gone by so fast and that he is already turning into a little man. I even cried at his preschool graduation when his teacher read this poem/quote:

A Touch of Love...
(Author Unknown)

You were six months old and full of fun, with the blink of an eye, you were suddenly one.
There were so many things we were going to do, But I turned my head and you turned two.
At two, you were dependent on me, But independence tookover when you turned three.
Your third birthday: another year I tried to ignore, But when I lit the candles, thre weren't three, but four.
Four was the year that you strived. Why, look at you now, you're already five.
Now you are ready for books and for rules. This year you go to school.
The big day came, you were anxious to go. We walked to the bus going oh, so slow.
As you climbed aboard and waved good-bye, I felt a lump in my throat and tears stung my eyes.
Time goes so fast it's hard to believe That just yesterday you were home with me.
And tomorrow when the bus brings you home and you jump to the ground You'll be wearing your cap and graduation gown.
So I'm holding to these moments as hard as I can, Because the next time I look, I'll be seeing a man/woman.

Wowsers! Quite the tear jerker and a reminder to cherish each and every day with all of my boys!

Caden and Colton are doing really well too. They are on a really good schedule and have been sleeping from 7:30pm-7:00am for a few weeks now. They are growing so fast! At their four month ped appt they were weighing in the 82nd and 93rd percentiles and I affectionately renamed them the "Chunky Monkeys". They are really good babies and only cry when they are tired or hungry.

Thank you all for hanging in there with me and my blog. I will figure out for sure what to do with it in the fall when I am hoping that I have more time. I will need to fill the void of Logan going to Kindergarten and what better way to do it than to write. :)

I'm Still Here. Are You?

2010-05-27T07:17:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I think I finally fixed my "Comment Moderation". I think. :)

Sorry I have not posted in so long. I have been reading others blogs with a baby on my lap and sometimes am able to comment, and sometimes not. But, I assure you, if you are on my blog roll, I have read EVERY SINGLE ONE of your posts. I check them every day, sometimes more than once. Because I am addicted like that. :)

OK, blog friends, here's the deal. What should I do with my blog. I have so much to write about, but have been trying to figure out what is appropriate. This blog started as my journey through IF and now that I have my three angels I am at a loss. I LOVE to write, but feel like I need to take a step forward from this blog. I will never, ever forget our IF journey and every time I looked at my boys I am reminded of everything I went through to get them here. But I feel 95% sure that my family is complete. So, even though we are still infertile, I don't feel like I am currently on an infertility journey. Make sense?

So, I was thinking of starting a new blog to chronicle our new happenings in our house and my thoughts on random things. My purpose in starting a new blog and not continue on with this blog is so that I can share it with more IRL people. I only gave this blog address to a few family and friends. Now that my boys are here, I don't really want to get into discussions with those I have not previously given this blog to about how, what, when, where and why my boys landed on this Earth. I'm not ashamed at all, its just that if I didn't initially tell them about our IF journey I don't want now tell them about it. KWIM?

My question to you: If I move to a new "space", will you join me? I have LOVED getting to know each of you and would love to continue to rad your blogs and share my happenings with you. My nanny will be starting 2 days/week in three weeks so I will have more time to write and be committed to my blog. And when Logan goes to Kindergarten in the fall :( then I will continue to be able to write when the Monkeys are down for their naps.

And, if anyone who knows me enough to have my email address could try to post a comment and let me know if it works or not, I would be most appreciative. To those who have left comments on the past posts, I'm sorry that they were not saved. :(

I'm Eating Worms

2010-05-01T08:22:00.002-05:00

Ok, so either I turned off all of my comments or I am eating worms. Not one comment on my last post. I sincerely hope I didn't upset anyone (everyone!) with anything that I have written about lately. When I was younger and feeling sad about something or lonely (which didn't happen too often) I always thought of this song for some reason. I think I heard it at day care when I was younger and the song just stuck in my head for some reason. Do you remember this song??

Nobody Likes Me

Nobody likes me,
Everybody hates me,
Guess I'll go eat worms,

Long, thin, slimy ones,
Short, fat, juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms.

Down goes the first one,
Down goes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.

Up comes the first one,
Up comes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm

That's me, just sitting over here eating worms:) How can I have so many followers and not have at least one comment? Any one care to comment on that? :)

Comments

2010-04-21T21:06:00.003-05:00

I was changing some of my settings recently and messed up the "comments" section so that readers could not post any comments. I think I fixed it now, so "comment" away! :) And, I love comments, just like every other blog author so don't be shy!

I also noticed that I have 25 followers. Wow! That is AWESOME! If you are out there reading my blog, leave a comment and say "Hi" so that I can stop over to your blog and say "Hi". :)

I should add that I am looking for more blogs to read and keep up on. I love reading and seem to have some time to do so (with a baby on my lap). So, if you leave a comment, I will for surely come to your blog and check it out!

Updated Pictures

2010-04-20T08:46:00.011-05:00

Here are some pictures of our trip to Florida and some other random pics. Enjoy!

Caden on the left, Colton on the right

Logan wearing my sunglasses

Caden and I at Daytona Beach

Colton and I at Daytona Beach

Logan at Daytona Beach

Caden swimming in the pool in Florida

Colton sleeping on safari at Disney World- Animal Kingdom

My family with Mickey at Disney World- Animal Kingdom

At Disney World- Hollywood Studios

Infertility Hangover

2010-04-12T08:37:00.000-05:00

So, I have been internalizing some thoughts lately and I need to get them out. I need to write them out and hopefully make sense of all that is going on my head.

This post is meant to represent a small piece of my life and one that comes to me in short spurts of thought. I don't sit around all day thinking about this, but it does cross my mind often enough where I need to get it out.

When I found out I was pregnant with Caden and Colton I was over-joyed. And I continued to feel that way throughout my pregnancy. I was so thankful that I had finally achieved what I was waiting for for so many years. But my pregnancy was also fraught with a lot of fears. Fears that I wouldn't carry the boys to term, that they would come too soon, that they would be born not "normal", and the list goes on of so many other things that could happen.

It was also difficult to cross over to the other side. Even though I wasn't yet holding my boys in my arms, I gradually, as each day passed and I got closer to holding my boys in my arms, crossed over to the other side. The success side of infertility. The side I had wanted to be on for so many months, years. And, of course, after my boys were placed lovingly into my arms, I became a mom again. Something I had been wanting to do for five years, since I held Logan in my arms.

The transition on the outside has been quite seamless. I have embraced being a mommy again like no other. Each day I look at all of my boys and am so SO so thankful that each of them are here filling our home with sounds that bring a joy to my heart that can not be explained. I feel like they have been here always. That they came into our lives just when they were supposed to and that we got the babies we were meant to have. I can see this about Logan too. He has adjusted so well to having two new little brothers in our home, as if they have always been here. Quite seamless from the outside.

But how do you make the transition from one life to the next? For three years I went to numerous doctors appointments, took too many medications and shots to count and lived my life in an underlying sadness for what I didn't have. Infertility was my life for three years. The life that I didn't choose to live, but the one that I chose to pursue.

I find myself missing that life in an odd kind of way (not that I want it back). When I drive to my parents house I always think about my drive to the clinic for our treatments (my clinic is five minutes beyond my parents house). I think about the nurses, our doctor and the treatments, my life for three years. I think about all of the girls whom I have met who have gone through infertility or who are still going through infertility. What an amazing support team!

I guess I said all of this to say this: I love my new life. The one filled with three beautiful little boys who bring so much joy to my life. As each day passes I think about our infertile life and miss it just a bit. Because for all of the bad things that happened the three years it took me to get Caden and Colton, there were also so many good things that happened. It helped shaped how my life is today. But at the same time, I feel like I am still trying to wake up from a hangover. A hangover that lasted for three years.

Bullet Points

2010-04-09T17:22:00.001-05:00

A lot of things have been going on in the last couple of weeks so here are the bullet points:

Colton has been sleeping 11-11.5 hours straight at night for the last couple of weeks.
Caden has been getting up one time in the middle of the night to eat still. But, two nights ago he did sleep for 11.5 hours straight. Mommy and Daddy LOVED it!
DH has been doing Caden's middle of the night feeding- what a rock star!
We are hosting, along with my mom and dad and sister and BIL, a NAS.C.AR and poker party tomorrow night. Our nanny, Miss M, will be coming to watch the kids for us so that we can have a night out.
My MIL has been continuing to come to our house on Thursdays to help with the babies. I am lovin' having this help and giving my children the opportunity to bond with Grandma D.
We have been getting our new camper ready to go camping this summer. We traded in our old one and bought a bigger one to accommodate our growing family. I am excited to bring the babies camping this summer and excited to hang out with our camping group, which includes my parents.
I signed Logan up for t-ball for this summer and can't wait for it to begin!
I signed Caden, Colton and I up for an EC.FE class beginning this fall and am excited to do this with them since I never did it with Logan.
I have been struggling with some things lately and have been internalizing them in a not great way. It has been hard to separate and organize my thoughts properly. I would like to try and write them out on this blog to talk through these "issues", but am not sure that I can organize them in a way that would make sense to you.
DH and I are going to a family members wedding in May that is a several hour drive away. We have decided to leave the kids home with my parents for the night. We are really looking forward to having time for the two of us for 30 hours.
The Eas.ter Bun.ny came to our house and brought Logan a new bike. We are hoping that he learns to ride his bike this summer. For some reason, last summer he was afraid to ride his smaller bike and didn't have any desire to ride it. We thought if we (the Eas.ter Bun.ny) bought him a new, cooler bike that was a bigger size for him (he has had a major growth spurt in the last year) that he would have more interest in learning how to ride.

That about sums it up for now! I continue to read each of your blogs, even though I don't always comment. I am usually reading them with one of the babies on my lap and don't have my hands available to leave one.:)

The Three Remain

2010-03-31T08:13:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been thinking A LOT about my three frozen embryos from my last IVF cycle that Caden and Colton were conceived from. Every day I think about those little embies sitting in the freezer waiting for DH and I to make a decision on what to do with them. I always wanted four children, DH always wanted two. Now that we have three it seems like a good compromise.

But those little embies were made with so many emotions that it is not as simple as that. We fought for three years and put all of our blood, sweat and tears into making those little frosties. During my pregnancy I never felt really attached to those three frozen embryos. I told several people that out of 11 embryos transferred, only two truly implanted and produced my twin boys. That means that nine embryos "didn't survive" inside of my uterus. After going through so many embryos, and the prospect of life for each of them, in a weird kind of way I became a bit desensitized to what they actually were. Looking back, I think that this was a defense mechanism to help me cope with so many BFNs, a sort of way to guard my heart.

Now that I am looking at my boys every day I noticed that I have been thinking about those embies in a different way. I wouldn't say that I see them as potential children (although they certainly are), but as rather the prospect of more emotions that include, but are not limited to, joy, elation, fear, hope, disappointment, excitement, anticipation and heartbreak.

I have firmly decided that we will never do another fresh IVF cycle. To allow myself to go down that path again when I have three healthy children is not something that I am willing to put myself and my immediate family into. There are just too many emotions that go along with it and I can't put myself back there. I remember all to well everything we went through to get Caden and Colton and it is a place that I don't want to be again.

But those three little embies are still available, each frozen in a single straw to allow for an eSET. But, if I possibly allow myself in the future to transfer each one of them, one by one, and it does not produce a pregnancy and eventually a healthy baby at the end of the pregnancy, will I be left wanting more? Will I be able to handle the disappointment and not want to do another fresh cycle? Or will it leave me wanting more and will I weaken and do another fresh IVF cycle?

I also think about the dynamics of our family. Right now I have three beautiful little boys. Do I really want another boy? Or do I really want a girl? Not that we get to choose the gender in the IVF roulette, but just thinking ahead. To be quite honest, I don't know that I want either. And what about my chol.est.asis of pregnancy that put me on hospital bed rest. Am I at higher risk for that again or for HE.LLP or pre-.eclamp.sia? Do I really want to go through another c-section? What about when DH and I want to retire and the financial planning aspect of our lives? What about making sure that all of my children get the attention they deserve and not feeling like I am stretched too far in order to feel like I am being a good mommy? There are just so many things to consider.

As it stands today, I think I am about 80% sure that we are done, but there is still that 20% that remains. And I know I will get a bill soon for the storage fees on those little embies. I think we owe them the opportunity of patience so I will happily be paying the storage fee on those little cells that are clumped together for at least the next five years.

Hooray for Hearing! And Some Conversations With Logan

2010-03-23T08:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Caden and Colton had an appt for their big hearing screen. They failed the newborn hearing screen at the hospital when they were born and they also failed the same test when they were six weeks old. We had to make an appt for a more specialized hearing test to find out what, if any, hearing loss they were experiencing.

We were supposed to do Colton's test yesterday and Caden's test tomorrow since the clinic only had one ABR test machine. DH and I decided to take them both to the appt yesterday because in order for them to perform the test they have to be sleeping. We figured that if Colton was not sleeping, that they could do Caden's test if he was sleeping. Each test was estimated to take 1-3 hours.

When we arrived at the clinic both boys were wide awake and hungry. We fed them right before they called us back to the room. After they were done eating, Caden fell asleep in my arms while Colton fussed and cried. I asked DH to take him on a walk in the hallway in the stroller to try to calm him down and get him to sleep. While he was gone the audiologist hooked up the same test that they had done at the hospital to Caden. He wanted to try the easier test first so that if they passed it would save time and we wouldn't have to sit for the longer test. Caden passed with a "robust response"! When DH walked back into the room five minutes later, I told him that Caden was already done. He was in shock.

Since we had plenty of time to spare for the allotted appt time and Colton was now sleeping, the audiologist performed the same test on him and he also passed right away with a "robust response". Hooray! Both my boys have full hearing in both ears!

I asked the audiologist why they may have failed the two prior same tests and he explained that they could have fluid in their ears from delivery when they were tested at the hospital and at their six week appt or that possibly the machine was not hooked up to them properly and they did not receive an accurate read on the previous tests. Either way I am so relieved that they both can hear. The best part is that both boys were tested and passed in under an hour, rather than the 1-3 hours that we could have spent there for Colton yesterday and Caden tomorrow.

I have also been having some really funny conversations with Logan lately. It is so fun to see how his little brain is thinking as he grows. For instance, we were driving home from preschool yesterday and this was our conversation:

Logan: Which brother is sitting next to me? Is it Caden?
Me: Does he have an angel kiss on his forehead?
Logan: Yep! So it must be Caden because he has one on his forehead, Colton has one on the back of his head and I have one on my belly.
Me: That's right!
Logan: How did we all get different shaped angel kisses?
Me: That's the way that God made them.
Logan: Well, God must have different shaped lips and then he must choose the shape lips he wants to use when he wants to use them.

Logical to a five year old, right?

The other day I was doing dishes and he was sitting at the kitchen table eating a snack and out of nowhere he looks at me and says, "you are the best mommy in the whole world! I love you SO much!". Awww, talk about melting my heart!:)

We have also had a very lengthy conversation on ABC gum. You know, the kind that has "Already Been Chewed". I was being so silly with him and asking him if he wanted ABC gum, but he couldn't quite get the concept that he wanted "ABC gum, but I don't want it Already Been Chewed". I kept asking him, "do you just want regular minty gum?" And he kept saying, "no, I want ABC gum, but I don't want Already Been Chewed gum." It was a conversation that kept going around in a circle where I was trying to explain to him that I was just being silly with him and that no, I was not going to give him my ABC gum. Too funny!

The other big news at our house is that for the last three nights Caden has slept nine hours straight at night and Colton has slept 10 straight hours at night! Can I get a "woot woot"? :) We are hoping that eventually they stretch this to 11 straight hours, but we are love, love, loivn' getting more sleep from our almost 11 week olds!

A Vacation and An Appointment

2010-03-12T08:25:00.000-06:00

Whew! It has been a busy couple of weeks! On March 2, we took Caden and Colton on their first airplane trip to Orlando. We went with my mom, dad, sister, BIL and nieces. The boys did awesome on the plane and either ate or slept the entire time. Big Brother Logan watched a movie the entire time and DH and I were able to enjoy the in-flight movie which happened to be Blind.side. We rented a six bedroom, four bathroom house five minutes from Dis.ney for all of us. We had a pool in the backyard and also were able to use the neighborhood pool with a water slide and a huge playground. I would highly recommend renting a house when going to Orlando. We have done it three times now and it has worked out really well. It is cheaper than staying in a hotel and just having a private pool in the backyard is awesome. The kids would go swimming before we left for the day and when we returned each night.

We went to Dis.ney Wor.ld, Day.tona Beach, miniature golfing, swimming and to a Pi.rate Dinner Ad.venture. We also had to make a stop at the urgent care clinic to have Logan's ears checked out. On Saturday night he woke up in the middle of the night and came into our room telling us that his ear hurt. He went right back to bed and we decided in the morning to have him checked out. We had also noticed during the week that he was being really naughty and having minor temper tantrums and getting upset about really small things. In the past when this behavior has happened he has always had either an ear infection or strep throat. He doesn't get the normal symptoms like a fever when he is sick, he just gets really naughty. So, sure enough, we brought him in on Sunday morning to the doctor and he had a double ear infection. After one dose of antibiotic he was like a new kid again.

When he did come into our room that night he crawled in bed next to DH for a few minutes. As soon as he snuggled up to DH he said in his incredulous voice, "Wow! Dad you are warmer than lava!". It was so funny! How does he think of this stuff? :)

The Little Monkeys did good overall in Florida. They got tons of fresh air and slept most of the days while we were out and about. They love their cozy car seats! Even though we had tons of fun on our vacation, it was A LOT of work. The thing about Dis.ney is that for every attraction r show you have to park your stroller and take your kids out of it to walk in to the attraction. So, many times a day we were taking them and their back pack out of the stroller, carrying them to the shows, holding them at the shows, then carrying them back to the stroller and repeat, repeat, repeat all day long. Even though my family was helping us a ton, it was still a lot of work. Quite a few people stopped us on the plane or when we were out and about in Florida and told us we were brave to bring our twin eight week olds and a five year old on vacation. My response was, "we are either brave or stupid". It was the joke of the week, but I am so glad we went even though it was a lot of work.

We got back into town on Tuesday this week and Caden and Colton had their two month well-check on Wednesday. Caden was 7#1oz when he was born and is now a whopping 12#3oz. Colton was 6#14oz when he was born and is now a whopping 13#3oz. Colton is now bigger than Caden and is living up to his name colTON:):)

They are both doing well with everything else and have been sleeping a bit more at night. We have been giving them their last feeding at 8:30pm and then they have been waking at around 2:30am to eat, go right back to bed and then getting up again at 7:00am. I am so glad they are only getting up once and we are finally getting more sleep! Sleep-deprivation is not fun!

I have been reading all of your blogs, but haven't had time to comment. I am hoping that now that we are back from Florida I will have more time to be more involved again. I have quite a few blog posts that I want to write about, but need to find time to do it.

Bullet Points and Some Pics

2010-02-26T12:23:00.000-06:00

Things have been a little crazy, busy here, but good so here are some bullet points:

My six week post-op appt went good. I started bleeding even more a few days after my appt and had to go back in to get my hemoglobin checked and have an u/s. My OB thinks that I started bleeding heavily because I already got my period since my lining was 11. I had to be put on 10mg of pro.ges.terone to decrease the bleeding. I am feeling much better.
The little monkeys have been doing well on the Zan.tac, but we need to keep adjusting their dosage since they are gaining weight like crazy.
Caden had his first mild ear infection last week. He woke up with green crusty stuff in his eye and I thought it could have been pink eye, but his eyes weren't bloodshot. I brought him to the pediatrician and they found fluid in his left ear. The infection was seeping out thru his poor little eyes. He didn't have a fever and wasn't fussy at all so I had no other indication that he had an ear infection.
Both boys failed their hearing screen at the hospital when they were born. We were referred to an ENT clinic for another screen when they turned six weeks old. We went there last week and they both failed again. They do have hearing in their ears, but to what extent we are not sure. They stir when they hear loud noises so we know they are not deaf. The ENT referred us to their clinic downtown for a more in-depth hearing screen that will take 1-3 hours for each boy. He said that most little ones pass this more conclusive test and reassured us that boy boys can hear, but we need to determine the level at which they can hear. Their appointments for this test are in a couple of weeks.
Last weekend I was able to get away to go scrapbooking. DH is a super star and stayed home with the little monkeys so that I could get away, get rejuvenated, get a good nights sleep and recharge my batteries. My dad took Logan over night one night and my BIL took Logan over night the second night so that DH only had to focus on the over night feedings with the little monkeys and sleep in after their early morning feeding and not worry about what time Logan would be getting up for the day. I had a great time with my sis, mom and my scrappin' group and was able to get started on Caden and Colton's albums.
My nanny has come to watch the kids two times in the last two months, for just two hours each time. She is AMAZING! She walks in my house and picks up a baby and starts feeding them or cuddling them. When DH and I came home from dinner the other night both babies were resting peacefully and she and Logan were building things with Leg.os. I can't wait until she is here with us two days/week starting in June so that I can devote time to work and also be around my boys during the day.

And here are some pics of my little monkeys.

Colton

Caden

Caden and Colton

Caden and Colton

Enjoy!

C-section Recovery...What's That??

2010-02-14T09:47:00.000-06:00

This Wednesday I will go to my six week post-op appointment with my OB. I can hardly believe that is has been almost six weeks since my boys entered this world and my dream came true! This past six weeks have been bliss, but also challenging. Bliss in that is has been wonderful to feel like my family is finally complete at this time, but challenging because having two babies is a lot to adjust to.

DH and I were talking the other day about how much we love our three boys and how thankful we are to have each of them. After one particular tiring day and night I told DH that I love them all, but would have been happy to have just one baby but that we hit the jackpot and got two. Even though we hit the jackpot and got TWO babies, it has also been a lot of work--not complaining, just sayin'.

My DH has been an amazing help (as he should be!!) and because it is the winter time he has only been working about 20 hours per week. This has allowed him to be home more during the day and to bring Logan to his various activities so that I don't have to trudge the babies out in the cold frozen tundra that is Minnesota. We have also had the opportunity to tag team and be productive in making sure that meals are made, laundry is done and our three small children are being tended to. We have even ventured out for "Family Fun Days" to break up the monotony of winter and bring Logan on adventures.

Last night DH and I were talking before we went to bed about my c-section and the recovery. My incision has not broken open, but in the last week there is a spot that has been really tender to the touch and has been causing me quite a bit of discomfort. I am starting to wonder if I may have broken open a stitch internally or if I rubbed that part of my incision the wrong way somehow and it is causing this irritation. I told DH that having a c-section with twins is equivalent to going in for surgery (any major surgery) and having to go back to work four days later with triple the work load. Sure, I have been able to take a couple of naps and my DH has been really helpful, but that's pretty much it. We have had virtually no other help from anyone. In hindsight, perhaps I wish we would have hired a night nurse to come two nights per week or some other day time help, but we didn't and the people who offered to help us have never quite materialized at my front door. But, you know what? It's okay. I may not be Super Woman, but I sure as heck can hold my own when dealing with my four boys (yes, on occasion my husband can be considered one of the boys I need to take care) and I am hoping that in just a few short weeks Caden and Colton will drop one of their night time feedings so that we will all be getting some continuous hours of sleep soon.

For those that have sent beautiful gifts, given verbal moral support and have dropped off meals- to you we are eternally grateful! People have come out of the woodwork to make our lives just a wee bit easier and oh, the beautiful gifts we have received that we never anticipated! We have gotten several personalized blankets and bath towels, a diaper cake, outfits and more outfits, an edible fruit arrangement and a beautiful hydrangea bouquet.

And to the strangers who we have encountered while out and about- no, we haven't gotten any help, but somehow we are doing it on our own and I am so proud of the bond that DH and I have strengthened by pulling together to "git r done".

Quick Quote

2010-02-13T11:29:00.000-06:00

I saw this on a FB of a gal I know who was a surrogate for a friend of mine. I sure hope she doesn't mind that I am stealing it and posting it here, but thought is was so fitting for the friends I have lost while going through IF.

I'm selfish, impatient, & a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control,
& at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst,
then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
- Marilyn Monroe

Tubal Adhesions

2010-02-07T10:40:00.000-06:00

My intuition always told me that my previous c-section was a contributing factor in our inability to conceive again.

When DH and I started TTC #2 over 3.5 years ago we had no idea what our journey would
entail. After having Logan via emergency c-section in December 2004, we anticipated that we would be adding to our family in no time. After several months of TTC #2 we went to a fertility clinic, did some IUIs, went to two more fertility clinics and did some IVFs. At each of the three fertility clinics we went to we asked each RE if my previous c-section could be a factor or the reason for our difficulty in TTC again. The collective response from all three REs was, "No", my previous c-section would not be a reason for the difficulty we were having in TTC.

By this time, we had figured out that my DH had low sperm counts and morphology and by doing IVF we were bypassing the thought that my previous c-section would be a factor in TTC because my embryos were being placed directly into my uterus. But what about that scar tissue from my c-section? And with my good response to stims with IUIs and IVF cycles that created lots of little good quality eggs, why were we still having difficulty conceiving?

After my c-section with Caden and Colton my OB told me that she found adhesions on my tubes. She "cleaned them up" for me and made sure that everything else looked okay before she stitched me back up. After learning of the adhesions I asked her, "Where could I have gotten them from? Could they have come from my previous c-section". She said that she didn't know for sure, but that she would guess that they did indeed come from my previous c-section.

Now, I am not saying that my inability to conceive again solely lies on the fact that I had tubal adhesions. We did have sperm issues and I had implantation issues with our previous four IVF transfers. BUT, my intuition all along told me that my previous c-section was somehow connected to our IF.

The question that I wonder is this: if I didn't have the adhesions on my tubes, could we have saved ourselves years of IF (and all of the blood, sweat and tears that go along with IF)? If I had known that I had adhesions could I have had them removed and then conceived with the help of stims and IUI (due to the sperm issues)? Oh, the What Ifs!

One thing is for certain: The 3.5 years that it took for me to hold Caden and Colton in my arms was worth it. As much as I would like to change the IF path/journey we traveled, there is no way in hell I would trade my boys for anything.

So Big! and a Conversation With Logan

2010-02-03T09:36:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we had to make a trip to the pediatrician. Caden and Colton were doing fairly well on the Zantac until this past weekend when they started showing more signs of discomfort, difficulty breathing and just an overall fussiness. I called on Monday, but the nurse advised me that the doctor would want to see them this time so that we could go over some options to help ease their discomfort.

When we went in we did the usual "weigh in" for the boys. At their two week appointment they both weighed 7# 3oz. Just two weeks later, here are their stats:

Caden: 8# 15oz
Colton: 9# 6oz

I can't believe that my little boys are growing so fast! DH and I started laughing at how much they have gained in the last two weeks. Logan was the same way as a baby too. Even though he was spitting up more than Caden and Colton do (Caden and Colton tend to swallow their spit up once it comes back up) he was always good at gaining weight. I lovingly referred to him as my "chunky monkey" as a baby.:)

The pediatrician increased their Zan.tac dosage according to their weight and told us that if we don't see an improvement in 7-10 days that we could call him and he would call in a prescription for Prev.a.cid or Pri.lo.sec for them to see if one of these works better for them than the Zan.tac. DH and I were both happy with this plan and are hoping that our boys get some relief from their discomfort soon.

Last night Logan and I had a cute conversation about him and his brothers:

Me: What do you think about your brothers being here?
Logan: AWESOME!
Me: What do you think when they cry?
Logan: Well...it's just kind of annoying. I don't like when they cry.
Me: I know it can be annoying, but you know that is the only way that they know how to "talk" us, right?
Logan: Yes, I know.
Me: And you know that Mommy and Daddy are the only ones who can try to soothe them. If you ever want to give them something like a blanket or hug or kiss them you have to get our permission, right? (I was just reminding him even though we have not had one issue with this)
Logan: I know, Mommy. Because the brothers are really fragile, right?
Me: Yes, they are very fragile.
Logan: Like one million times more fragile.
Me: Yes, one million more times fragile than a piece of glass. Just like you are one million more times fragile.
Logan: I'm not fragile.
Me: Yes, you are. Mommy and Daddy love you and Caden and Colton so much that if anything ever happened to you we would be so, so sad. We love you all so much.
Logan: I love you too, Mom.
Me and Logan: (Big SMOOCH)

Is it possible to fall in love with your five year old over and over again? :)

Acid Reflux- GERD

2010-01-25T18:42:00.001-06:00

When Logan was about two weeks old we noticed that he was spitting up A LOT. Not just a little here and there, but, rather, it was gurgling out of his mouth like a leaky water faucet by the ounce. He was a trooper and it didn't seem to bother him at first. As the next few days came he progressively got more fussy and very uncomfortable. It was as if he was trying to turn his head so far one way or the other to try and escape the burning that was going on in his throat. His formula was continuing to gurgle out of his mouth to the point that after one feeding his burp cloth was soaked in formula from him spitting up and some projectile vomiting was starting to take place. At this point I began to worry and I knew that something more serious was going on. I made an appointment and brought him in to see the pediatrician. After describing what was going on to our pediatrician and an exam she diagnosed him with acid reflux (GERD) and placed him on Zan.tac. The Zan.tac seemed to help for about five days and then he started getting really fussy and upset again. I brought him back to the pediatrician and she placed him on Prev.a.cid. During the first 10 months of his life we tried so many things to help relieve him from the burning in his throat and to try and stop him from spitting up so much. There were times that we would go to feed him his next meal when he was eating baby food and he would spit up a lot of what he had eaten three hours earlier. At this point we were encouraged to get him on solid foods as soon as we could. Needless to say, he was on Prev.a.cid until he began eating solid foods exclusively at 10 months old. The Prev.a.cid did not stop his acid reflux, but did neutralize the acid so that his throat didn't burn as it was coming back up.

I noticed last week that Caden and Colton started showing the same signs of acid reflux that Logan did. When we went for their weight check last week I asked the nurse practitioner if she would note in their chart that we were concerned about acid reflux with them. I explained that if they started to show signs of discomfort that I wanted to be able to call and ask for a prescription and not have to bring both of them back in for another office visit.

The last three days and nights both Caden and Colton have been showing signs of discomfort from their acid reflux by doing the same things that Logan did as a baby. Both of them are really irritable after they are done with their bottles and at night they are having difficulty breathing and settling to go back to bed after the middle of the night feedings. We have also noticed an increase in the amount they are spitting up. For example, this afternoon I fed Caden and then propped him up in the Bop.py seat right next to me. About 30 minutes after he was done eating about an ounce of his formula came gurgling out of his mouth. This happened after I burped him three times while he was eating his three ounce bottle.

This morning I placed a call to the pediatrician to request a prescription for them. When I called this morning the triage nurse explained that their regular pediatrician and the nurse practitioner were not in the office today, but that the nurse practitioner did put a note in each of their charts about the acid reflux. She forwarded their charts to another pediatrician and he was willing to call in a prescription for Zan.tac for Caden and Colton without requiring us to bring them in for another office visit.

I so did not want these boys to have the horrible acid reflux that Logan did. As a parent I felt horrible watching Logan spitting up so much and I hated giving him medication every day. Every time I layed him down for a nap or bed I worried that he would choke and I would go check on him constantly while he was sleeping. There were many times that I would get him up from his nap and he would have vomit all over his face, in his nose, eyes and ears. And when we would leave the house I always had to make sure that I had at least two blankets and three burp cloths with me so that I could keep him clean and so that I could lay him down and not worry about ruining someone else's furniture and carpet.

Here's to hoping we all get a better nights sleep tonight and that my little boys throats are feeling better after we begin the medication.

Two Week Appointments

2010-01-21T17:04:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Caden and Colton had their two week appt at the pediatricians office. Our regular pediatrician was not in the clinic since he was rounding at the hospital so we saw the pediatric nurse practitioner. I felt okay with this because we had gone in last week for a one week appointment and our regular pediatrician was able to meet them and do their first appointment. He wanted us to come back this week for a weight check. Caden's birth weight was 7# 1oz and I am happy to say that my little chunky monkey little boy is up to 7# 3oz two weeks after his birth! Colton's birth weight was 6# 14oz and I am happy to say that my little hungry chow hound is also up to 7# 3oz.

Their little personalities are really starting to show this week too. Caden is more relaxed and reserved and is ever watchful and listens when his younger brother Colton is crying. He seems to look at me with an expression that says, "Mom, why is he crying again?" His expressions are so funny and remind me so much of Logan. Logan has always made funny faces about things and every picture I have of him, even now as a five year old, he has a different expression or silly face.

Colton seems to be a little more high strung. He isn't a fussy baby, but when he wants something, we sure know all about it. He doesn't seem to have the patience for things like Caden does. When I sit them next to each other he is the one that is putting up a fuss about something and then when he is done speaking his mind he gently places his head on Caden's shoulder as if to get support and lean on his older brother.

Logan is adjusting really well. He gives his brothers gentle kisses on the tops of their heads and this week has been giving them the most gentle hugs too. On Sunday we had a fun day out and on our way home in his soft, tender voice he said, "Mom and Dad, I just love my brothers so much! They are so cute, aren't they?" It melted DH and my hearts! He is so loving and is able to share his love with his brothers in a way that is so fitting and right. How does he know how to do this?

I also had a two week check-up with my OB yesterday. Since we were at the pediatricians office for the babies we brought them along to my OB appt. When we walked in with the babies all of the girls there were so excited. A lot of them came out to the lobby to chat with us and hold them.

My incision is healing well and my OB said that overall I am healing well. She said that for only being two weeks out from my c-section date my body is ahead of schedule in terms of getting back to where it was before I was pregnant. According to their scale I only have 10 pounds to go before I am at my pre-pregnancy weight. I would like to lose 15 pounds, but for right now I will settle for getting rid of my post-twin pregnancy bloated belly:) Once the spring comes I will be putting the babies in the stroller and heading out on walks.

Every thing else is going well. Caden and Colton are good sleepers and wake up usually two times/ night to eat. We feed them and put them right back to bed. DH is amazing and pitches in just as much as I do. I love that we are really working together as a team to make sure that all of our boys are taken care of. Logan is a good helper too and we are able to give him little projects to help include him.

I have so many things that I want to post about, so stay tuned!

Also, if you could head over to kayjays site at A Miracle to Come and give her some encouragement I would greatly appreciate it. She is on hospital bed rest with her twins after having a tear in her amniotic sac.
http://amiracletocome.blogspot.com/

Pictures Galore

2010-01-18T10:34:00.001-06:00

Here are all those pics I have been promising! :)

Logan hanging out with me while I am on hospital bedrest

34 weeks gestation in front of the hospital Christmas tree

36w5d gestatoin before Caden and Colton were born

DH and I before my c-section

Happy Birthday, Caden (top) and Colton (bottom)!

excited Big Brother Logan coming to meet Caden and Colton

gentle kisses as Auntie Coley and Grammy look on

cuddling brothers- Caden (L) and Colton (R)

checking each other out

Caden hanging out

Colton hanging out

Daddy doing a double feeding

Colton (L) and Caden (R) hanging out

Wedding Dress and Viagra

2010-01-17T09:13:00.001-06:00

Last night DH and I were in bed watching TV. There was a gal who was going to pay $6,000 for her wedding dress. My own wedding dress which was a fraction of that cost is currently under my bed and has been there for the last 6.5 years since we got married. I also still have my Vi.agra in the fridge from my last IVF cycle that produced Caden and Colton. Here is my conversation with my DH:

DH: What are you going to do with your wedding dress?
Me: What do you mean?
DH: Now that we have three boys it isn't like they are going to wear it someday.
Me: I know, but I thought I would get it cleaned and put it in storage.
DH: Why? Don't you think you will get rid of it someday?
Me: I can't get rid of Vi.agra in the fridge, what makes you think I can get rid of my wedding dress?

Too funny! For some reason, that Vi.agra has a sentimental piece of my heart as does my wedding dress!:)

I am hoping to post pics of my boys tomorrow.

Welcome Caden and Colton!

2010-01-11T14:17:00.000-06:00

On Wednesday, January 6, our baby boys were born! After three and a half years our dreams came true. Here are their stats:

Caden David born at 9:56am weighing 7#1oz measuring 20 1/2" long.
Colton Louis born at 9:57am weighing 6#14oz measuring 20 3/4" long.

Caden just because
David after my Dad
Colton after my sister Nicole
Louis after my DH, his dad and his grandpa's middle name

On the day of my c-section my liver enzymes were completely in normal range and my platelets were still low, but high enough to be awake during the c-section. My DH and Mom were able to be in the surgery room with me to witness the birth of these two little angels.

Once I have had a chance to reflect on the day of their birth I will do a whole post on it. For now, I am just trying to absorb being a mom of two newborns and time for reflection is not in my vocabulary right now:) I will also be posting pics sometime soon also.

One good thing that happened last night, on our second night home, is that both boys slept from 9:15-2:15 and from 2:45 to 5:45. Ahhh, sleep was so wonderful after the first night home did not go so well.

A Letter To My Son

2010-01-02T06:52:00.000-06:00

Dear Logan:
Mommy was in bed last night thinking of you and the joy you have brought to my life over the past five years. When you entered this world on December 1, 2004, we were immediately blessed and so thankful to have you. Looking at you for the first time is a sight I will remember forever. After laboring for 36 hours and pushing for three of those hours, I was never so happy to lay my eyes on you after you were delivered via emergency c-section. You were a trooper the whole time I was in labor and never showed any signs of stress. I had already waited nine months for you while you were in my belly and then with the long labor and delivery, well, I just couldn't wait any more. The nurse held you up to my face so I could kiss your sweet, plump little cheeks several times and then you were whisked away to the nursery with Daddy close behind. As I was in surgery recovery I kept asking how you were doing. By the time I had gotten back to our room, you were gone with Daddy to have minor surgery. Again, I had to wait to hold you in my arms. When you were finally placed in my arms it was nothing short of the best feeling in the world. From that day on you have blessed Daddy and I in ways that are unimaginable.

The first time you said "mama" and "dada" and "i love you" brought so much joy to our hearts. And when you come up to me out of the blue and say "give me a kiss and hug" completely melt my heart. At five years old you are so loving, expressive, funny, happy, smart...and the list could go on. I am so thankful that you have Daddy's funny, silly personality and my thinking skills. I am so proud of you!

During the last 3.5 years I have been trying to give you, Daddy and I a gift. The gift of a sibling for you to share with, a partner in crime. It makes me sad that for 2/3 of your life I have been trying to complete our family. For every tear I cried and failed procedure, you have been the ray of sunshine to pull me through. Because for every tear I cried, I was 1,000,000 times more thankful to have you. For every star I wished upon to have another child, I thanked two stars that I already had you. You have kissed and hugged me when I was crying, not knowing what else to do, but knowing intuitively that I needed you close to me. How could you know this? Every time I cried and you asked, "Mommy, what's wrong?". I responded by saying, "I am just so thankful to have you". And I am. More than you could possibly know.

I have enjoyed watching you bond with your brothers in my belly for the last months. You are constantly asking about them and often come up to my belly to give them hugs and kisses. You yell into the microphone, my belly button, "Hey Brothers! I can't wait to meet you!". It brings a joy to my heart that can't be explained.

In four short days your brothers will arrive. Our family will change. As happy as I am to be adding to our family, I am sad. Sad that I won't be able to spend as much time with you. You are my first born and we have spent the last five years together, without interruptions. You are growing so big and I can't believe how fast the last five years have gone. Thank you, Logan, for being such a blessing to Daddy and I. We love you with all of our hearts and are so thankful that we have you. We can't wait for you to meet your little brothers and to become the big brother that we have been waiting for.

Love you to pieces,
Mommy

C-section- Check!

2009-12-30T14:54:00.000-06:00

My levels are continuing to stay stable and the babies are continuing to be happy and healthy in my belly. We are going to the hospital every other day for a biophysical u/s, NST and labs. I had a mini meltdown on Sunday at the hospital when the nurse did a pelvic exam because I have been experiencing a ton of pressure lately. She wanted to see if I was dilated more than the week before when my OB examined me. She said I was about the same and that I am feeling a lot of pressure because Baby A head is so far down low.

Baby A likes to continue to try and push down as far as he can and kick my bladder making it feel like I have to pee my pants. Baby B loves to be in my rib cage kicking and moving causing shortness of breath and pain. Every u/s we have both boys are kicking each other in the head and body since one is vertex and the other breech. It makes us laugh to see them in such tight quarters punching and shoving for more room:)

My OB agreed to deliver me earlier than my original c-section date of January 12 because of the cholestasis. Most women who have this condition are delivered between 36w-37w. I will 36w5d on January 6. We are hoping that being born at this gestation, along with receiving the betamethasone shots three weeks ago that they will not have to be in the NICU when they are born. It will also be fun to see how big they really are. We had a growth u/s one week ago and both babies were measuring right around 6lbs. Of course they are harder to measure as they get bigger, but we are hoping that both of them are at least 6lbs, if not more, when they are born.

Wow! I can't believe in just one short week I will be hopefully holding my two precious little angel boys in my arms! We are so excited and can't wait to finally lay our eyes on them.

Home for the Holidays

2009-12-24T07:28:00.000-06:00

I was discharged from the hospital one week ago today. I have continued to go to the hospital every day since then (except for Tuesday) as an outpatient for a biophysical u/s, NST, and labs. They are continuing to monitor me closely and I am thankful for the daily reassurances that my babies and I are doing good.

My liver enzyme levels have decreased every day. This is a surprise not only for me, but for my OB and the nurses at the hospital. I went from being told that I most likely would develop HELLP syndrome and have to deliver my babies far too soon to moving in the complete opposite direction. They did re-draw my bile acids to check for Cholestasis and they came back elevated this time. I now have an official diagnosis!:)

I will continue to go to the hospital every other day for an u/s, NST and lab work to to continue monitoring the babies and I. My OB is still prepared to deliver these babies at any time if anything doesn't look good. Yesterday we had an appt at our clinic with her and she did a pelvic exam. I am currently dilated to 1-2. In light of everything happening lately she did move up my c-section to January 6. I will be 36w5d. Although she did mention that I only have 50% chance of making it that long:) Baby A head is so far down and I have been having tons of pressure down low. My OB is on vacation next week, but she has really good partners who would be able to deliver for us. I was able to see one of her partners today at the hospital who has been following our case and she said that she would be honored to deliver our babies in our regular OBs absence.

So, I am officially home for the holidays. I don't have to be back at the hospital until Saturday. Today we are skipping our usual Christmas Eve plans. Tomorrow we are going to my parents house as usual with my sister and her family. It will be a low key day. And I am more than thrilled that I will be home to see the joy on Logan's face when he goes downstairs tomorrow morning and sees all of the gifts that Santa magically placed under the tree while he was peacefully sleeping in his own bed.

Now, I am off to lounge on the couch to fulfill my bed rest orders. Let's hope these babies don't get too feisty and kick open a sac of amniotic fluid in the next 36 hours. :)

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

At Home

2009-12-17T17:12:00.000-06:00

Today we had an unexpected twist. For two days in a row my liver enzyme levels decreased. Not by a lot, but by enough for my OB to send me home! I was, and still am, completely shocked that I am able to write this post from the comforts of my living room at home:)

Last night I was out for an evening stroll around the maternity unit and I ran into my OB. She was leaving another patients' room. We started walking down the hallway together and she said, "you look really good". I had showered and gotten dressed in my own clothes, as I have done every day. I think she forgot what I normally look like since she does her rounds between 7-8am and I haven't been showered for the day yet.

I think her seeing me last night and seeing a drop in my liver enzyme levels was reassurance for her to let me come home. It hasn't hurt either that I still don't have any other symptoms, my edema in my legs is gone and my blood pressure continues to stay in the 110/60 range. I am still on bedrest at home and have to go to the hospital every day for a biophysical u/s, labs and an NST (monitoring of the babies). Of course, if my levels start to increase again I will be readmitted.

In the meantime I am enjoying being home with my boys and I had a wonderfully uninterrupted two hour nap this afternoon. DH is making steak tonight for dinner to celebrate. The best part of all, Logan was so happy that I was able to come home. He gave me so many hugs that I lost count and he told me,"Mommy, I am so happy you are home with me." Even though he was a trooper and adjusts well to new situations I started to notice yesterday that my stay at the hospital was beginning to take a toll on him.

Every day will still be a day by day situation. But, you never know, I might just make it to my original c-section date of January 12.

End in Sight

2009-12-16T10:44:00.000-06:00

[side note: THANK YOU all for your wonderful comments and prayers. It is so nice to feel such wonderful support from all of you. There are a couple of you who don't comment very often and I so thank you for leaving a comment for me during this time. I am cheered to hear from you and you all are helping to lift my spirits each day. I wish you all a wonderful holiday season!]

My labs came back today and they have improved. My platelets are at 157,which is in the normal range, and my ALT and AST liver enzyme levels have improved a little bit also, but they are still out of the normal range. Both boys are continuing to pass each biophysical u/s with 8/8 and they are looking great on the NST monitor each time (they are monitored for one hour each shift). My blood pressure remains in the 110/60s range and my edema is pretty much gone. I no longer have tree stumps for legs and sausages for toes.:)

My OB came in this morning and called me a "Superstar". She said that I am trending in the opposite way that they expect me to. She also commended me on my positive attitude. Apparently she has never seen me sobbing after DH and Logan leave each day:)

We have talked a lot about trying to weigh my health with the health and well-being of the babies. She explained that even though the babies would most likely be okay if we delivered them today she knows that they are a lot better in my belly than being outside of my belly. She knows that we worked hard for these babies and the weight of something going wrong with them if she were to deliver them now is weighing heavily on her. She also is taking into consideration my mental/psychological health in the equation. She knows that it is difficult for me to sit here when I feel completely fine.

After talking about all of this I asked her what the threshold was for delivering these babies. Of course if I start to present more symptoms or the babies start to show signs of distress she will deliver them. If my levels continue to stay as they are she would like to see me get to 35w. She told me to mentally prepare for being here and then delivering at the end of next week. I told her that I didn't want my babies to have a Christmas Eve or Christmas Day birthday and that I would mentally prepare myself to deliver them the Monday following Christmas, but that I wanted to reevaluate next week. I can't tell you how pleased this makes me to have a real, confirmed date and an end in sight. The countdown is on...only 12 days to go!

She is also going to let me do more walking during the day. My previous orders allowed me to get up 1x/shift to walk around the maternity section. She is now going to let me walk 3x/shift. I also get to sit in the chair in my room for up to 30 minutes at a time. Oh, the small pleasures in life!:)

The best news of all perhaps is that as long as my levels continue to stay where they are and they are not declining, she is going to write a pass for me to leave the hospital for 2 hours on Monday night. Logan has his preschool Christmas program that evening and I really want to go. I am so excited that she would let me leave and be able to see my little angel singing his little heart out. It will also be nice to have a change of scenery and to enjoy some of the holiday season by seeing all of the Christmas decorations at the church.

For today, my spirits have been lifted a bit. I can now mentally prepare to be here for the next 12 days plus the 4 days after my c-section. This gives me something else to focus on. I have been thinking of Bri and Andy a lot. I am extremely afraid of becoming sick. Even though I am in the hospital and they are monitoring me closely, it is really difficult to not feel like a shoe is about to drop. And after 36 hours of labor and an emergency c-section with Logan I am really hoping to be somewhat coherent when these boys are born.

Still Here

2009-12-15T14:56:00.001-06:00

I am still on hospital bed rest. The babies are continuing to look good on the NST and biophysicial u/s that I am doing daily. My liver enzyme levels are remaining steady and my platelets are hovering on the lower end of normal. The bottom normal parameter is 140, yesterday mine were 138 (just below normal) and today they were back up to 140.

I still don't have a diagnosis, but the feeling is that I will develop pre-eclampsia or HELLP. Either of these things can come on quickly and if they do, then I will deliver the babies. They don't want me going home either because they don't know what's wrong and they want to be able to act quickly if my numbers start to show the onset of one of these things or if any other symptoms present themselves.

My OB does not think I will leave until after I have these babies. Ideally she would like to see me get to at least 35w (which happens to be on Christmas day). We are just waiting day by day to see what happens with my labs and to make sure that the babies continue to be healthy inside of my belly and not under any stress. They are trying to balance my health with the health and well-being of the babies.

Meanwhile, my DH and Logan have been visiting me each day and I have had a couple of other visitors too. These visits are pretty much the highlight of my day:) I am still feeling 100% fine so I am definitely enjoying hanging out with people who stop by. DH is done working for the winter so this has been perfect timing in that he is able to be with Logan at home while I am here at the hospital. Although, when they leave in the evenings it is incredibly difficult to watch them walk away and leave me behind:(

This isn't quite what I had in mind when I found out that we were expecting twins. In the end, I know that this will all be worth it when I hold my two baby boys in my arms and this will turn into a distant memory.

Hospital Bedrest

2009-12-14T07:00:00.001-06:00

Yesterday DH and I met with perinatalogist. He came highly recommended and has had the opportunity to train with the world expert on HELLP syndome. He was very thorough and asked me a lot of questions. He, too, does not know what is going on with me. Since I am only presenting one symptom (high liver enzyme levels), there is no way to diagnose me properly. He explained that he had a similar patient about six months ago. She stayed on hospital bedrest until about 37 weeks and then she developed pre-eclampsia.

He explained that he does not want me going home and continued to be monitored as an outpatient. He wants to be cautious with me and continue to monitor the babies and I while we remain in the hospital. He has ordered my liver enzyme levels to be drawn every day as well as a biophysical u/s of the babies to make sure they are not under stress. So far the babies are doing awesome and continuing to thrive in my belly.

They are trying to balance my health with the health of the babies. If I start to present any other symptoms or if the babies become stressed, they will deliver the babies. Right now we are just going day by day and hoping that things continue to go well and that I feel well so that the babies don't have to come too early.

As much as I agree with their decision to keep me here indefinitely, I am bummed. I want to be at home with my DH and Logan and I don't want to be constantly worried about this. It is scary not knowing what is happening inside of my body. I just hope in the end I have two healthy babies....and I hope their Mommy is equally as healthy.

Admitted Again

2009-12-13T09:30:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I came to the hospital to be monitored again. The babies are still looking wonderful, but my liver enzyme levels increased again. My OB admitted me back into the hospital and ordered some more labs and an u/s to view my liver and gall bladder. The only symptom I am experiencing is the increase in my liver enzyme levels. I feel completely fine and I have no other symptoms of pain or discomfort or anything. I have become quite the mystery:)

The u/s of my liver and gall bladder came back completely normal. I don't have gall stones and my liver is doing just fine. My urine came back better yesterday too. On Thursday when I started spilling protein into my urine the result was 50, yesterday it decreased to 30. My 24 hour urine from Thursday evening to Friday evening came back at 282 and anything under 300 for pregnant women is acceptable. My blood pressure has been really good too, usually somewhere around 110/65.

My OB told me that she wanted me to stay in the hospital overnight so that they could draw labs this morning and if my liver enzyme levels increased much more then I would have to deliver the babies this morning. They gave me an IV (ouch!) for the night to keep my hydrated and to help prep for the possible c-section this morning.

Since my levels decreased from yesterday to this morning, my OB is going to be bringing in a perinatologist to consult with. She went home last night and was trying to research more on my case and can't come up with a diagnosis that works or can't find any support for what is going on with me. Usually when your liver enzymes increase your platelets decrease and my platelets are within normal range.

Last night we also toured the NICU and found out a lot of info about what to expect if our babies have to be delivered. DH and I will be allowed in anytime, but each baby will only be allowed two visitors each day. Since we are having twins, we will be allowed to have four visitors each day, two for each baby.

One other thing that I found out is that my OB group was the same group that Bri had. When I talked to Andy last week he said that it took them awhile to diagnose Bri with HELLP because she did not have a typical presentation of the symptoms. I know and feel completely confidant in my OB and her group. They have come highly recommended to me by several physicians and a lot of the nurses here use them for their own personal OB care. I know that I am in good hands and it just may be that after what happened to Bri that they are being extra cautious with my situation, which I am completely fine with. Either way I am happy that they are monitoring me so closely.

Medical Mystery

2009-12-12T06:07:00.000-06:00

[side note: the babies are still doing absolutely wonderfully inside of my belly. I am doing much better now that I have slept in my own bed. Here are the details]

Yesterday morning we had a biophysical u/s at the hospital to check on the babies. Both were very active and passed the biophysical. Baby A was quite the stinker and didn't do his 30 seconds of practice breathing until the very last minute. He literally finished at 30 minutes and 24 seconds. But he did do it and both of them passed with 8/8. Here is the big news: they are little chunky monkeys for 33 weeks gestation! Here are their whopping weights:

Baby A: 4lb10oz, measured 34w1d
Baby B: 5lb7oz, measured 34w2d

They hooked me up to the NST monitor when I got back to my room and both babies were doing fabulously on that as well.

My OB came in at 10:30. She was really uncertain what is going on with me. She initially thought cholestasis (and I think still does) because of the itching I have had and slightly elevated liver enzyme levels. However, the bile acid test results came back from the Mayo Clinic and they were negative, which is not consistent with cholestasis. She did say that this is not an absolute test. She also was contemplating whether or not I am in the early stages of HELLP due to the protein leaking into my urine. She order more blood work to be drawn in the afternoon to monitor my liver levels and told me that she would make a decision by the afternoon and this would give her the day to think about what to do with me. The options being: let me go home and continue to closely monitor me OR deliver the babies in the morning after receiving the second shot of the betamethasone steroids for the babies lungs.

In the afternoon, the labs were drawn for my liver enzyme levels and they are remaining steady (compared to the same labs drawn on Wednesday and Thursday), which again is consistent with cholestasis. My 24 hour urine test came back elevated, but not severe (for my two Labor and Delivery Nurses I believe it was 282??, but not quite sure). My blood pressure was 108/61 and my reflexes were really good. And, perhaps most importantly, I feel great.

My OB came back in at 5:00 last night and told me that she is letting me go home. Thankfully, I am not "sick enough" to warrant having these babies right now. Because, of course, the only way for my symptoms to be treated is to deliver them. She is requiring me to come in to the hospital today and tomorrow to be monitored by NST, blood work, urine, etc to make sure that I am remaining steady and that there is not a drastic increase in my levels. If there is an increase, I will have my c-section and the babies will arrive. She told us that we will be going day-by-day and that she believes the babies will have to come by Christmas.

So, how do I feel? Physically, great, which is a huge relief. Just hearing the words HELLP after Bri died, was quite scary. But I know that I am in great hands and that we detected everything right away this week so I feel good just knowing that we are doing everything right. I have mixed feelings about the babies coming so early. I know that they will be in the NICU for a few weeks, but I also know they will be okay. They are great weights and they have the betamethasone shots so I feel good about that. In a way, I can't wait to meet these little guys. Of course, if I have the option to carry them for as long as possible, I will be glad to do it. But there is just the excitement of looking into your childes eyes and seeing what they look like. And, as much as I want to keep these babies in for as long as possible, I don't want to get sick and be incoherent when they are born. I don't want our families to have to worry about me and the babies.

We go back to the hospital today at 1:30 for monitoring. Hopefully everything continues to stay steady and the babies continue to thrive inside of my belly:)

In the Hospital

2009-12-11T07:11:00.001-06:00

On Wednesday I went in for my OB appt. They took some more labs and everything looked good. My OB thought that I do indeed have cholestasis, but it is at a manageable level with weekly monitoring. I asked if it was necessary to get the steroid shots for the babies lungs and at that point she was not concerned as she felt I would not have to deliver until early January.

I had a regularly scheduled biophysical u/s, NST and OB appt on Thursday. The u/s went really well and both babies were given 8/8. The NST was good too. There were two decelerations in their heartbeats, but both of them were moving around like crazy and showing off:) When we met with my OB she was concerned about the decelerations, which they don't like to see. Since the cholestasis can cause fetal distress and the decelerations could be an indication of distress. She also mentioned that the amniotic fluid for Baby A was a little low, but still within normal range. Between the decelerations, decrease in amniotic fluid and cholestasis she found reason to admit me to the hospital to be monitored and to receive the betamethasone steroid shots for the babies lung maturity.

We were given permission to go home, pack and get back to the hospital. Thankfully Logan was with my dad for our appts so he was already in good hands.

When we got to the hospital they hooked me up to the monitor and both babies are doing wonderfully! We haven't seen any decelerations and both of them have been really active.

I, on the other hand, have started spilling proteins into my urine. I don't have pre-E, but they are watching me closely since my liver enzymes are also high and the bile fluids which typically go along with cholestasis. They are collecting my urine for 24 hours and then will retest it for protein output later today. I will also receive the second betamethasone shot today.

I also have a growth and biophysical u/s this morning along with more lab draws. I am feeling great other than being sleepy from sleepy on this hospital bed that feels like plywood:) I'll update more when I can.

Half Ass Results

2009-12-09T09:47:00.000-06:00

I received a phone call from my OB today asking me to come into the clinic this afternoon. She received some of the results of my testing and wants to re-test me to get a clearer picture of what is happening.

She will not receive the bile acid results from Mayo Clinic until Friday or so, but she did receive my liver enzymes (from the HELLP panel) back and they are high. She also said my "alt" is high, but I have no clue what that is. She does not think I have HELLP, but wants me to have my blood pressure done today to make sure it is not elevating. She is also going to check my urine to make sure that protein is not spilling into it, which is a symptom of pre-E and HELLP. And she is going to re-test my liver enzymes to make sure they are not increasing too quickly.

She thinks that I may have a condition called cholestasis, but won't know for sure until she gets the bile acids results back from Mayo and views the information from my appt today. I have a Labor and Delivery nurse friend, who is also an IF'er, who explained that this condition can increase the chances of fetal distress, preterm labor, and worse case scenario, stillbirth. My OB told me today that if I do have this condition, and depending on the severity, that they may look at delivering the babies at 36-37 weeks.

Obviously this is not ideal. As much as I want to be done with this pregnancy, this is not at all what I was hoping would happen. I wanted a nice, clean way to evict them from my uterus, not a medical condition/scare that will leave me worrying about their health and survival.

Driving the Bitter Bus

2009-12-07T12:55:00.000-06:00

[Disclaimer: this post is not blown with baby dust or sunshine. Although I am loving every minute of being pregnant, as I sit here today, I am done....I just want my babies in my arms. And please know and respect that this is my blog and my place to vent. My hormones are starting to get the best of me, so please don't take this personally.]

On Friday I went in for my weekly biophysical u/s and NST. They were both active, practice breathing, and the amniotic fluid was great. They scored 8/8 and passed with flying colors.

After my u/s I had my NST. Both boys were very active and passed within the allotted 20-30 minutes....until the very end. The nurse came to get the sheet to bring to the OB before she unhooked me from all of the monitors. When she came back she noticed that one of the babies heart rates did not "recover" as quickly as they like. She tore off the sheet from the machine again to have the OB look at it. The OB ordered me to stay on the monitors for another 20-30 minutes. When my time was up the nurse came in and said that everything looked good except that I had a contraction this time. I told her that I didn't feel a thing. She explained that it happened during a period of time that both babies were very active so she thought it was just my uterus contracting from all of the movement. She tore off the sheet to bring it to the OB and the OB was not concerned, whew! I was beginning to panic.

Over the weekend I started experiencing some very odd symptoms. On Friday and Saturday night I woke up in the middle of the night, out of a sound sleep. I was throwing up as I woke up. In real life, not in my dream. NOT pleasant. I also woke up both nights to ITCH. I am so stinkin' itchy. It's like I can't put on enough lotion and I can't scratch enough. NOT pleasant. My bowel movements also increased over the weekend too. It seems that every time I eat, I then need to head to the bathroom. NOT pleasant.

I called the on-call OB yesterday to explain my symptoms. The one that was the most worrisome to me was the itching. I have heard of this happening to pregnant women before and it can be serious. The on-call OB told me that she wanted me to be seen today because the cause could be my gall bladder or my liver.

When I went in today to see my OB, she ordered a few labs. One of them is to check to see if I have bile fluids (or something like that). She explained something about my gall bladder and I understood at the time what she was telling me, but I am too tired to remember right now. She also ordered a HELLP panel to be done to check my liver enzymes. She is also testing me for two other things. Again, can't remember enough to explain right now. Once I get the labs back I will have more information that I will hopefully remember. The only thing I clearly remember is that she told me she wants me to take Ben.a.dryl to help relieve the itching while I wait for the tests to come back (which have to go to the Mayo Clinic and they only run the labs on two days of each week).

And, here is my rant.

As much as I love being pregnant and having these babies in my belly, I want to be DONE. I am tired. No matter how much sleep I get. I am swollen. My toes look like sausages and my legs look like tree stumps. I am itchy. All.Over.My.Body. I am huge. Yes, I am ALL baby in my belly, but this also means that I am in a lot of pain in my belly and back. I have gained just over 40lbs, most of it being in my belly. And I am irritated over holiday functions that are yet to come. I want to go and have fun and enjoy my family and see the joy on Logan's face, but somehow I am just to frickin' tired to even want to go. I am pregnant with TWINS. When you look at me, you should see the THREE lives I am trying to maintain and grow. It is hard work, and although I love it, I also need you to understand that certain things are not convenient for me and thus, my family....because, you know, more than half of my family is IN MY BODY.

I am lucky, though. Lucky that I have not been placed on too many restrictions or bed rest. Lucky that things are going so well during this pregnancy so far. Lucky that if these boys were born today that they have a good chance of survival. Because even though my due date is not until January 12, I may not make it to that date. Lucky that my husband understands that things are difficult for me, even though everyone else expects me to continue on as if nothing else is going on. Lucky that I can put a happy face on and pretend that I am not completely miserable. Lucky that I can smile because my boys are still growing in my belly and not in an isolette in the NICU. Lucky that my son loves these babies as if they are already here.

As much as I want to be done with this pregnancy, in no way shape or form do I want these babies to be born any time soon. They need to stay in my belly for as long as possible. After all, this isn't about me or anyone else. This is about my two sons and their health and well-being. And, quite honestly, everything else is a far behind, not even close secondary.

Thanksgiving Post- A Little Late

2009-12-01T13:56:00.001-06:00

A couple of weeks ago I put the tape of DH and my wedding into the tape player to view. I was cleaning out a drawer, came across it and after being crabby with DH earlier that morning, thought it would be fitting to put it in and be reminded of the love I have for him. As DH, Logan and I were watching I remembered that day and the joy and gratefulness I felt on that day. Not only for finding my DH and marrying him, but for those that surrounded us in love and joy that day.

That day was so special and so full of promise for us. I felt that the world was ours to take by the tail and do great things and have a wonderful life. As we were standing up on the altar we said our vows (which we still say to each other every once in a while on a whim). The priest asked us a few questions to which our response was supposed to be: "we will". As we were watching the edited version of our wedding it cut to this string of questions that the priest asked us. One of the questions being, "Will you lovingly accept all children given to you by God?" Over six years after our wedding day, just watching this simple question and moment on our wedding day took my breath away.

I immediately looked at DH and said, "Wow. If we would have only known at that time how important that question would play out in our life." Never in a million years on my wedding day did it even cross my mind that we would have problems conceiving a child and lovingly accept them into our home, our life and our hearts.

And, because I am a thinker, I thought of all of the others who have said the same or similar vows over the years who are still waiting to accept their children into their lives. The infertility sisters whom I have met online or have met face-to-face in real life. The ones still battling through the trenches to to expand and create their families. Why are some peoples wishes granted and not others? I'm serious....WHY? I sure wish that we had the answer to this question since I have been pondering it for so many years.

However thankful I am to have Logan, DH and these babies in my belly, I don't think it is fair. It's not fair that we are close to achieving our dream of expanding our family, while others sit silently in pain and anguish for the loss of their family-to-be. The wee little ones who were supposed to be. The embryos who never quite made into little angel babies to be placed in their arms. The loss of the family that they so desperately want.

So, yes, I am completely thankful and joyful at what lies ahead for DH, Logan and I. The little bundles who are growing in my belly and who are forever in my heart. I smile when they kick me at all hours and know that they are growing and thriving in my belly. I can't wait for the day that they are placed in my arms to love and kiss and hold.

But, to my fellow infertile friends who are still fighting the IF fight, you are not alone. I have not forgotten you or the pain you are experiencing. I mean, how does one forget such a hard time in their life?

31 Week OB Appt, U/S and NST

2009-11-26T08:15:00.000-06:00

[side note: I have a Thanksgiving post that I have been thinking about, but need to sort out some thoughts before I write them in this blog. I will do that in the next couple of days.]

Yesterday I had my 31 week OB appt. Eveything is going so well with these babies that I just hope and pray that they continue to go well. I started with my u/s and both babies are looking great. Here are some stats:

Baby A heartbeat: 133
Baby B heartbeat: 155
Amniotic Fluid: very good
Baby A: head down
Baby B: breech and facing towards my back
Baby A: measuring 31w3d
Baby B: measuring 31w4d
Baby A: 3lb9oz
Baby B: 3lb13oz
Edema: 2++, she wrote me a prescription for stockings to make me more comfortable
Blood Pressure: 110/50
Fundal Height: 37cm
Weight Gain: 39lbs

After our u/s we had our NST. Both babies were showing off and kicking a ton so they both passed with flying colors:)

We were then put in a room to meet with our OB. She came in and was very pleased with how things are progressing so far. She told us that her goal for us was to make it to at least 30 weeks and that we should feel very good that we were almost 31 weeks with a smooth twin pregnancy and that we should celebrate this milestone. She then said that her next goal for us is to get into December. I laughed and said, "my goal is to get into January!". I want to have two babies that don't need to spend much, if any, time in the NICU.

I expressed my concern that Baby A has only gained 1lb since our last u/s four weeks ago. She was not concerned since both babies are measuring ahead still, but that she will keep an eye on it as we have more u/s. She explained that there is a variation in the measurements based on who is doing the u/s and how much experience they have. Plus, each u/s can be off by up to 1/2lb. When we had previously mentioned our concern about the weight of both babies at this u/s compared to the last u/s the u/s tech said, "well, we saw Baby As face and we know he is chubby so I am thinking that he is actually closer to 4lbs right now". We could not see much of Baby B since he is breech and facing towards my back. Either way, DH and I are pleased with how big our boys are so far! The u/s tech also told us that between the weight of both babies, two umbilical cords, two placentas and two amniotic sacs I am carrying the equivalent of a 10lb baby right now. Yikes!

We talked about my c-section which is scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 37w4d. She told us that we only have a 25% chance of actually making it to this date. Now we need to work out the details of wehre Logan will go while we are in the hospital and a back-up plan in case we go earlier.

DH requested a temporary Handicap Parking sticker for me too:) I told him that when I drop off and pick up Logan from preschool that I have been parking in the handicap spots. He is concerned that I will be ticketed and have to pay a $200 fine. Plus, he doesn't want me to walk more than I have to at this point since I get tired so easily, my feet hurt if I am up and about a lot during the day and the edema in my feet and legs get worse the more I am on my feet.

Have I mentioned recently how excited I am to meet these boys?:) I can't wait until January!

The Perfect Nanny

2009-11-21T14:39:00.001-06:00

Recently DH and I have interviewed a couple of nannies. We are only looking for someone 2-3 days/week in the summer and also on evenings and weekends during the school year. DH and I both work more in the summer months so we need to have someone when we are the most busy so that I can work from our home office and DH can work out in the field. Plus, we would love to have someone be available on evenings and weekends so that we can go out once in a while.

We have interviewed two nannies so far, and realized that we don't need to look any further! Both nannies we interviewed are school teachers so it works perfect for them to just work part-time in the summer months. They were both really good and we would trust both of them with our children. However, one definitely stood out.

One of Logan's teachers at school heard that we were looking for a part-time nanny and expressed interest in helping us out. Logan loves her and she is so good with the kids. She also watches some of Logan's classmates and their siblings during the evenings and weekends throughout the school year. She came over last week for an interview and we fell in love.

She has so much energy and loves kids so much. She told DH and I that she gets asked how she can be a preschool teacher and then go watch kids in the evenings without being sick of kids and her response is, "because I love kids and I don't get sick of it at all, just because". She is really friendly, out-going, enthusiastic and caring. We gave her a tour of our house and had a few questions for her and she had some questions for us. I loved that she sat down on our couch and curled her feet under her legs and appeared to be so comfortable in our house. She loves to be outside and wants to be outside with the kids a lot. She asked if our street was busy and if she could take Logan for bike rides (when I am working in my home office and the babies are napping). Plus, she has so many fun ideas and things for Logan to do since she works with his age group at school.

Oh, and did I mention, that Logan LOVES her? I can't even describe to you how excited he was when she came into our house. In fact, before she came over he asked me where DH and I were going when Miss M came over. I told him, "no where. We are going to stay here and talk with her for awhile". He looked at me with a hugely disappointed face and said, "Well, I want you to go somewhere because I want to play with her by myself". And when he went to preschool the next day he went running into her classroom to thank her for coming over.

To top it off....Yesterday Logan had grandparents day at school. Both my dad and my MIL went to school with him for the day. I saw my dad last night and he said that he met our nanny. She came up to them and started talking and explained that she is going to be our nanny. I love that she made herself known to my family. My dad said that he thought she will be a great fit for our family.

Now, if everything goes well next summer I will have to convince her to come every summer!

Her.oux Family Benefit

2009-11-16T06:48:00.000-06:00

Last night I had the honor of attending the benefit for Andy (my ex-boyfriend) and his son. I went with my DH, mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law and cousin. The event was held at a St Paul bar/restaurant who is known to support law enforcement. When we were walking toward the event I was so thankful for such a rare nice day for November in Minn.esota. It was a crisp, sunny day and the temps were around 50 degrees. Perfect weather for an outside event.

I thought that I would have a hard time at the event and be a crying mess like I was at his wife, Bri's, wake, but there was such positive energy in the air for the family that it was so easy to feed off of that energy and know that we were all pulling together to help the family in the wake of their loss.

I saw and spoke with a lot of Andy's family members. A few of them came up to me and started talking or I just happened to run into them while I was walking around looking at silent auction items. I talked to his uncle and his aunt for quite some time and heard of another very sad and sorrowful story. Andy's cousin,whom he was the closest with growing up, was married a couple of years ago and had a baby one year ago. His wife found out at 33 years old that she has breast cancer. The family found out while Bri was fighting for her life after giving birth to Leland. Words can not describe the sadness I feel for their whole family during these tough times.

I had an opportunity to briefly talk with Andy's dad. He gave me a hug and asked how I was doing and told me to take care of myself. I reassured him that I am being closely monitored during my pregnancy. Then he told me something I will never forget. With tears in his eyes he said, "Kris, I was extremely impressed with you coming to the wake and sending that beautiful card to us. Thank you so much. It meant a lot to us." I told him that I was happy to and that Andy, Bri and Leland will always have a special place in my heart.

A little while later I saw Andy's mom and went up to her to say hi. She was laughing and smiling and then when she saw me she started crying and gave me a huge hug. After we were done hugging she asked me how I was doing and about my pregnancy and told me to take care of myself. She told me that she was so happy that I came and told me that Andy is a great dad and that he insists on doing every feeding, bath, temperature check (to check for infection since little Le.land was born with part of his liver outside of his body), etc. She was telling me that she is going to watch Le.land when Andy goes back to work as a St Paul Police Officer working 10p-8a. She told me to make sure that I say hi to Andy before I leave.

A little while later I saw Andy talking to the media. My mom, cousin and I were standing off to the side watching him holding his precious angel baby in his arms. When he was done being interviewed he turned and saw me standing there and came running up to me and gave me a huge hug. As we were hugging he said, "I hear you are having twins." He told me congrats and we had a chance to chat for a few minutes. I also had an opportunity to introduce him to my DH. We are planning on getting together sometime when things settle down.

DH told me as we were leaving, "Andy is a really nice guy." I looked at him and laughed and jokingly said, "Yes, dear. Did you expect me to ever be with someone who wasn't nice?" I was so glad that DH and Andy were able to meet and I thanked DH for coming. He was glad to come and, like me, felt good to be able to contribute to the benefit.

Below are some articles on the event:

This is a big article that was on the front page of our local newspaper on Sunday morning: http://www.twincities.com/ci_13787019
This is the website for their benefit: http://www.herouxfamilybenefit.com/
This is Le.land's Caring Bridge site: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lelandheroux/mystory
This is a video clip of the event (I am the one hugging Andy- I have a pink shirt long sleeve shirt and grey short sleeve sweater on. I think it shows us hugging two times in the clip): http://wcco.com/video search the videos for "Benefit Held for Family of Still.water Cop Who Died".

Restrictions

2009-11-11T19:38:00.000-06:00

Today I had my 28 week OB appt. Everything is still going really well with the babies and with me too. Here are the stats:

Blood Pressure: 104/56
Cervical Length: Long
Babies: Kicking each other while we were listening to their heartbeats on doppler
Urine: negative for proteins
Weight Gain: 37 pounds (although I had quite a bit of swelling in my legs today)
Fundal Height: 34cm

Not too much to report since I will now be going in every two weeks for an u/s, non-stress test (NST) and OB appts. I will get a lot more information when I go in for my u/s and NST. I have made my next three appts. Each appt I will end up being at my clinic for 3-4 hours to complete all three of these appts.

My OB told me that she usually takes people off of work around this time. I explained that I work from home and am self-employed, which she was fine with. She wants me to tell her if I get too fatigued so that she can take me off of work. DH usually lays his guys off when the ground freezes, but this year they might stop working sooner so that he can be home more to help me with Logan.

Today we also talked about restrictions. They are:
no lifting >15lbs
not to be on my feet for more than two hours at a time
no driving >1 hour at a time

Nothing too restrictive. I have been feeling really tired lately so she also encouraged me to rest or take naps more often. I have been trying to, but my little Logan keeps me on my toes.

As we were ending the appt she told me that she was going to have her scheduler call me in the next couple of days to schedule my c-section. WOOOHOOOO! I am so excited to get a date in mind so that I can start planning where Logan will be spending his time while we are in the hospital for four days. I also realize that the babies could come before my c-section so I need to have a Plan B too. Also, I can not wait to meet these little angel boys!!:)

My next u/s, NST and OB appt are scheduled for November 25.

French Fries

2009-11-08T19:21:00.000-06:00

Today we had a bunch of errands to do and then my parents came over for dinner. While we were out and about, DH asked me what we were going to do for lunch. I told him that I hadn't thought about it since I was still full from breakfast (I made pancakes, sausage, and fruit). Logan was in the back seat and heard us talking about lunch and informed us that he would like Mc.Donald's since he has not had it in awhile (Mick.ey Ds is a treat at our house). We agreed and said that we could go there for lunch.

As we were pulling into the drive-thru I told DH that all I wanted was some fries since I wasn't that hungry. Logan responded: "Mom, if you get french fries then you have to make sure they are cooled off because if you eat them then they might burn the babies tummys".

He just amazes me by how much he is already thinking of the well-being of the babies and they aren't even here yet! Every couple of days he mentions them in some way or yells into my microphone (belly button), "Hi Brothers! I can't wait to meet you!". On Friday he even went into my bedroom to get me more pillows to help make me more comfortable, even though I was fine and didn't mention that I was uncomfortable. I love that I have an almost five year old who is so thoughtful. Once these babies are born I can't wait to see how good of a Big Brother he is!

Pictures and Baby Purchases

2009-11-04T11:53:00.001-06:00

In the last couple of weeks I have been buying, buying, buying things for the babies. I have been trying to hit sales and use coupons, but let's face it: baby stuff is spendy! We had to buy another crib and mattress, blankets/covers for their car seats, monkey accessories for their room, bottles, diaper bags, receiving blankets, regular blankets, onesies, nuks, clothes...and, well, the list could go on. But don't worry, I'm not complaining. I am actually enjoying every single penny I dish out to buy all of this baby stuff. I mean, I have been waiting for this for three years. Even though I already have Logan, I got rid of a lot of stuff one cold winter day last winter after IVF #4 failed. Really, I couldn't stand sitting and looking at all of this stuff in the closet any longer.

Today I was out buying clothes for the babies and I kept thinking about how DH said that it will cost less to prepare to have these babies than it did to conceive them. I love this perspective...it helps me not feel so guilty for spending so much money:) After I went to the Car.ter's store, where everything was 50% off, today to buy some clothes I called DH. This was our conversation:

Me: Just so you know I spent $164 today on clothes for the babies.
DH: Cool! Did you get some good stuff?

You see, that's what I love about my DH. Never has he questioned me in what I have bought. I think that even though I am the one doing most of the shopping he is enjoying making these purchases just as much as I am. Heck, it beats the alternative of the last three years of endless tears and sorrow, right?

On to the pictures. I am a bit behind so I have 25 week and 27 week belly pictures and some fun pictures of Logan.

25 week belly pic (taken in my backyard)

27 week belly pic (taken at my sisters house)

27 week bare belly pic (taken at my sisters house)

Logan and my two nieces on Halloween (taken at my sisters house)

Logan carving pumpkins (taken at our house)

Logan and daddy at the pumpkin patch

Logan and I at the pumpkin patch

Logan with scary teeth (taken at our house)

Enjoy!

Day of Appointments

2009-10-28T15:52:00.000-05:00

Today was a busy day! I arrived at the hospital at 7:15 for my Glucose Tolerance Test. As I was walking in I got tears in my eyes remembering when I went to the same hospital to deliver Logan. It was such a joyful time for DH and I and I hope that our twins are born healthy as well. I sat in the lab of the hospital for over three hours while I did the test and the staff was so wonderful! They gave me blankets to keep warm, water to stay hydrated and they were so friendly. Another gal was there doing her test too and the time flew by so quickly because we ended up talking for the whole 3+ hours.

Here are the blood sugar results:

Fasting: 78 (normal range: <95)
One Hour: 145 (normal range: <180)
Two Hours: 127 (normal range: <155)
Three Hours: 121 (normal range: <140)

In other words: I passed! :)

While I sitting in the lab all morning I received a phone call from my OB clinic that the u/s tech who was scheduled to do my u/s today called in sick so they had to cancel my u/s. She told me that since I was already at the hospital that they would fax my orders to the hospital so that I could have my u/s done there after my glucose test.

When I went down to radiology to have my u/s I was lead to the same spot where I sat when I had my u/s with Logan. Again, I got tears in eyes just remembering being pregnant with my little angel baby that is now a big boy.

Here are the stats from the u/s:

Baby A
Weighs: 2lb9oz, which puts him in the 77% (percentile)
Measuring: 28w0d

Baby B
Weighs: 2lb11oz, which puts him in the 80% (percentile)
Measuring: 28w3d

Cervical Length: 4.4 (normal: >3)
Biophysical Exam: everything looks good, they were "practice breathing" well and they have enough fluid around them.

Oh man! I am going to have a couple of big boys again! Logan was 9lb4oz and I think these babies are going to be big too. I can't believe that my twins are so high in the percentiles:) As we were leaving my DH said, "thank God for c-sections, right?" We were laughing all of the way out of the hospital about how big they are already. I am 26w5d today so they are both measuring 1.5-2 weeks bigger right now! I have no idea why I grow such big babies. I am only 5'2" and weighed about 143 pounds when they were conceived and I eat mostly from the four food groups so it's not like I am sitting around eating junk food all of the time. But, trust me, I'm not complaining. I am just so glad that they are growing well and thriving in my belly:)

My next appt is with my OB is scheduled for Wednesday, November 11. I will follow-up with my OB in the next couple of days on the glucose test and today's u/s and find out when she wants me to schedule my next u/s.

Big Brother

2009-10-26T12:57:00.000-05:00

Logan has been thinking about his two new little brothers a lot lately. It seems like every couple of days he mentions something about them. Last week he was able to feel them kicking me on four different days. When he felt them kick he started laughing hysterically as if it was the funniest thing that he ever felt. He also is routinely coming up to me to hug my big belly. And he insists my belly button is a microphone that leads directly to the babies so he constantly talking into it. Last week he yelled into the "microphone", "hey brothers I can't wait to meet you!". It makes me laugh so hard and brings the most awesome joy to my heart.

What I love the most about Logan and his brothers is his thoughtfulness and that he is constantly thinking of them. Today he told me that his brothers will have to hear his Turkey Lurkey making sounds (we made Turkey Lurkey at Build-A-Bear at the Mall of America a couple of weeks ago and has been Logan's best friend ever since). He has also been talking about how he is going to share his toys with his brothers.

Yesterday I was asking him questions about how to handle his brothers when they come. I was asking him questions like, "will you pick up your brothers and fling them around? or will you hold them gently and give them lots of kisses?". It amazes me that he already knows that his brothers will be fragile and that he will need to be really gentle with them.

As much as I try to not talk too much about the babies for fear that Logan will be jealous of these little miracles that he can't yet see, it seems like Logan always bring them up. It's as if he knows that they are already a part of our family already. DH and I are trying to soak up our last couple of months with Logan and our family of three, but our sweet, little four year old constantly reminds us that we have two brothers on the way.

Now, I am hoping that he adjusts well to them being here once they are born otherwise we may have some issues to sort out:)

26 Week OB Appt and Funny Story

2009-10-22T15:44:00.000-05:00

I had my 26 week OB appt yesterday and everything seems to be going well, except for one thing....I failed the one hour Glucose Test:( My level was supposed to be <140 and it was 169. I have made my appt to go to my local hospital to have the three hour Glucose Tolerance Test done next Wednesday, October 28, at 7:15am. After that I have an u/s at my OB office at 11:10.

Here are the other stats from my appt yesterday:
Blood Pressure: 108/50
Hemoglobin: 11.1 (I will have to go on iron supplements if it drops below 11)
Cervial Length: >4 (I will get a more correct measurement next week when I go in for my u/s)
Urine Test: no proteins and no UTI
Edema: mild
Weight Gain: 32 pounds
Baby A Heartbeat: 148
Baby B Heartbeat 136

I requested to have my urine tested at every appt and my OB agreed. I know too many people who have had preeclampsia and other similar complications so it is peace of mind for me and also a good thing to do since I am carrying twins.

I have been having slight pressure down low and vaginal pains for just over a week. She manual checked my cervix and it is still really long so she was not concerned. She did say that on my last u/s both babies heads were down low so it could be pressure from them pushing or just my belly growing more.

I asked her about H1.N1 shots and she said that they will not be in until early November. She wants me to call if I or DH and Logan have been exposed so that she can treat me with Tam.i.flu.
On to my funny story....

This afternoon I took Logan out to lunch to Sub.way. When we came out to the parking lot after we were done eating I put him in the back passenger side of the car. I walked around to the drivers side and realized that the person who parked next to me parked really close to my car. After looking at this small opening to get into my car, I decided that I would have to turn sideways and walk sideways to get to my car door. As I started doing this my back was touching the other persons car while my belly was touching my car. As I looked up at my car door again I realized that I was going to get stuck if I went any further. So, I pulled myself out from in-between both cars, went around to the passenger side to get Logan out of the car so that we could go back into Sub.way to ask whomever was driving this vehicle to move it over.

When I walked into Sub.way I must have looked like the biggest idiot ever asking people if they drove this car out in the parking lot. The third person I asked said that it was her car. She was apologizing profusely and saying that she had four kids and knows what being pregnant is all about. She immediately came out to move her car over since she was parked on the line and kept apologizing the whole time. I was laughing and told her not to apologize because I felt bad having to ask her to move her car and explained that I am pregnant with twins and that is the reason I am so huge. She was so nice and kind and it turned out to be the most hilarious thing!:) I mean, for heavens sake, me and my big, pregnant belly were stuck sideways between two cars, can you imagine?!?:)

Updated belly pic coming soon and shopping fun post too!

Dreams

2009-10-19T13:22:00.000-05:00

I woke up startled at 2:45 this morning. As I was making my way to the restroom, which I usually do several times each night, I started to remember the dream I was just having. I was in labor and DH was hunting 7 hours away. I called him and told him to hurry home. I ended up having my 7 year old son, Logan, drive me to the hospital. When I got to the hospital there was a queen size bed that they had me lie down on and put my feet up in imaginary stirrups. As soon as I did this, both babies were delivered vaginally within the same minute.

As I started to connect the dots of various events that have happened lately I began to calm down, but was still shaken.

For instance, DH was possibly supposed to go hunting in Nor.th Da.kota this weekend, 7 hours away. He was invited, but he never committed to it because we didn't know how I would be feeling at the time he was invited. We decided that it wasn't the best idea for him to go because of how tired I have been lately.

Then, just yesterday DH told Logan that he could drive the golf cart out to the woods behind our house (they are making a path out there to do "guy things" like ride the golf cart and sometime down the road DH wants to get a child snowmobile and four wheeler/ATV, which I am not too fond of....another post for another day:)). Logan told DH, "I can't drive it because I don't have a license". DH was explaining that he would sit next to him and help him and it was okay because they were not driving on the road.

And just last night DH and I were talking about the babies and our delivery. We were reminiscing on how long it took to deliver Logan (36 hours and then ended up having an emergency c-section). We were talking about how quick it takes to have a c-section.

Even though I know my dream was filling in the pieces of these recent conversations and events, I kept thinking about them. And then I started thinking about all things baby and Logan related. How will I feed two babies at the same time? How will I make sure that Logan gets enough attention? How will I get all three kids out of the house to bring Logan to preschool three days/week? And the list goes on...

Needless to say, I wasn't able to fall back asleep for an hour and didn't sleep well for the rest of the night. No matter how excited DH and I for these babies to arrive, we are also thinking about things unknown and how we will handle certain situations once they arrive. I am so thankful that DH always has something reassuring to say to me like, "we will just have to adjust. We adjusted with one baby before, now we will adjust with two babies". Even though this makes complete logical sense to me, I just want everything to be as good as can be when they are born. I have waited much too long for these babies and I want to savor every moment with them and watching Logan interact with his new brothers. Also, did I mention?...I am huge worrier too! :)

Is it January yet??

Awards!

2009-10-12T12:54:00.001-05:00

Ahem. Ahem. Ahem!

I have been nominated for two blog awards in the past week. What an honor! Two awards in ONE week. Wow!

The Honest Scrap Award was given to me by Niki at My Journey to Myles and Beyond to Surrogacy.

The Kreative Blogger Award was given to me by Allison at Ramblings of a Healing Heart.

Both awards ask that I tell you some things about myself. I did the honest scrap award back in March so I will try to come up with a couple more new things to share about myself.

1. My DH and Logan are the most important people in my life (Duh!). They always have been, but I have realized a new, deeper way how much they impact my life after going through IF.

2. Somehow I always manage to let the weight of the world onto my shoulders. When I hear about tragically sad stories of people I know (Andy, his wife, Bri and their son, Leland) or people I don't know (news stories) I want to reach out and help them somehow, whether it be emotionally, physically, or financially. So far I haven't thought of a good way to do this without being creepy.

3. My sister and I can get into a huge fight about something and then be laughing together 5 minutes later.

4. My dad and I are a lot a like. We think the same way and are usually on the "same page". When we don't agree on something, although rare as it is, we can respectfully disagree with each other. Which I have found that most people say that they can "respectfully disagree", but they don't. They continue to argue their point until it is heard. I even have my dads ugly legs:)

5. I would have loved to have NOT gone through IF, but I did and have learned so much. Not only about myself, but about those around me.

6. DH and I brought Logan on an airplane to Florida for the first time when he was three months old. It was one of the best vacations ever. We met my ex-BFF D, her DH and their son down there. We hung out by the beach for the few days we were there, but we found that it was so easy to travel with an infant still in an infant car seat. It was the most spontaneous big thing we have ever done. We decided to go on a Saturday afternoon and we had to be to the airport at 6:00am the next day.

7. Even though I work from my home office and am self-employed, people assume that I am doing nothing. I think because I don't leave my house for work or that I am self-employed they think that I am just sitting around doing nothing and independently wealthy (yeah, right!).

8. There is an old argument about working moms vs. stay at home moms. I love being mostly a stay at home mom since I work odd hours for our two businesses. But I don't really care if other moms work or they stay at home with their kids just as long as they are good parents when they are with their kids.

9. I would love to figure out how to do a link in my blog from another website without having the whole web address come up. Kayjay gave me instructions awhile back, but somehow I can't figure it out. As soon as someone tells me how to do it, I will nominate others for these awards (so please leave me a comment with step-by-step instructions!).

10. Three of my biological grandparents passed away by the time I turned 16. My remaining grandparent, whom my family was not close to, died 7 months before DH and I were married. Often times when I hear of others talking about their grandparents I feel a sense of loss. I cherish the memories I have of my grandparents and hope that my children will have their grandparents around for many years to come. When I graduated from high school and when I was married I so wished they could have been with me on these two special days in my life. It makes me sad that my DH and my children will never know my grandparents.

As soon as someone tells me how to link properly, I will be nominating others for these AWESOME awards!

Meeting With The Pediatrician

2009-10-07T12:27:00.000-05:00

Today DH and I met with the pediatrician who will be caring for the babies. Our family practice doctor, Dr K, who we have seen in the past for Logan and whom DH and I go to has changed positions and is now working as a hospitalist at our local hospital rather than working in our family practice clinic. Before she left, she gave me a recommendation on who to have the babies seen by.

Our appt with Dr B went really well. He is younger, down to earth and seems like he is pretty easy going, which is right up our alley. We had a few questions for him and he answered all of them with ease and confidence, while instilling in us the important stuff.

For example: when we had Logan I breast-fed him for a short period of time and then we switched him to Sim.il.ac formula. I asked Dr B what recommendations he had for us for formula-feeding these babies. I had heard from M (a fellow blogger and IFer who lives in MN with me) that the Tar.get brand formula is pretty much the same as the other big brands, but at roughly half the price. When I asked Dr B about this specifically he said that if he were shopping for formula he would go by price. He said that some of the formula brands tout certain things like "comfort proteins" or similar things, but that all of the formulas are pretty much the same. DH and I feel the same way. The only thing he cautioned is to pick a formula and stick with it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I want the best for our babies, but I also think there is a whole lot of "hype" that goes into certain things baby-related where they try to instill fear in new parents. Formula always seems to be one of them. It sometimes seems that they want you to believe that if you use their competitors brand of formula, that your baby won't thrive and grow. Which, IMHO, is not true. We, as parents, have so many things to worry about and I just don't think that choosing the "right" formula should be one of them. Choosing formula can really be no different than choosing to eat an apple or an orange on any given day for adults. I don't say this to discourage anyone and what they believe about certain baby-related things or to be an expert on formula. This is simply my take on this particular item. Each family needs to decide what is right for them and do what makes the most sense to them.

OK, so I have jumped off of my soap box and have safely landed back on the ground:)

We talked a lot about what will happen after they are born and when he or one of his associates will see the babies in the hospital. He explained that the on-call/rounding physician will come within 24 hours after the babies are born and they will be there every day that we are in the hospital. Once we go home they will tell us when to make the babies next appt at the clinic to make sure they are up to their birth weight

I am so glad that we had the chance to meet with Dr B before the babies are born. Even though I am really sad that our family practice doctor is no longer a clinic physician, I am glad that she referred us to another great physician. And, Dr K is a hospitalist at the hospital that we will be delivering at. When she left our clinic, she gave me her cell phone number to call her whenever. She lives just a couple of miles from us and her kids go to the elementary school that Logan goes to so I am sure I will see her again. And, I will for surely be calling her when the babies are born so that she can come meet our boys since she will be at the hospital anyways.

Update: Ex-BFF, D

2009-10-02T10:42:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking about this topic for awhile now and am finally trying to write out my thoughts. Sorry if this post is all over the place:)

A few weeks ago I mentioned my ex-BFF, D, in a blog post here: http://lookingforanotherangel.blogspot.com/2009/08/advice-needed.html
A couple of days later we went to Logan's preschool for a back-to-school open house and I did see D there. I walked up to her and said, "Hi!". She turned and when she saw me she instantly smiled. I confirmed that she had gotten my voice mail and she explained that things had been really crazy at her house and that she had not had a chance to call back. I was able to see her middle son and her newborn baby boy. She asked how things were going for us with our pregnancy, rubbed my belly a few times and told me how happy she was for us several times. It was a really nice little chat. As I got into the car to leave with DH and Logan, DH and I were talking about how it went. I told him that it was fine and told him about our conversation. He responded, "So, you pretty much talked like you were old friends again?", I said, "Yep, pretty much".

At that time I had no further plans to make contact with her. Sure, it was nice seeing her there, but sometimes things have to work themselves out the way they were meant to be [side note: IF is not one thing that I believe that works out the way it is meant to be. I think it is a really crappy and horrible thing that happens to the best of people....whole new subject for another post!].

Fast forward a couple of weeks to when I went to the wake/visitation for Bri Her.oux which I posted about here: http://lookingforanotherangel.blogspot.com/2009/09/update-wakevisitation.html When I got home from the wake, DH had told me that he went over to D's house with Logan on our golf cart (they live about 5 minutes from us) to look at their septic system that they were having problems with (DH is a sewer, water, septic and excavation contractor). He said that D came out right away and gave him a hug and was happy to see him and he was able to see all of their kids. He took their two oldest kids on a golf cart ride down their street. D's DH and my DH talked for a bit before DH and Logan headed home (my DH and her DH went to high school together and that is how I met D).

As I posted about, I was a mess when I was at the wake and then when I got home from the wake and saw DH and Logan, I started crying again because I am just so thankful to have them. As the evening wore on, he was telling me about their trip over to ex-BFFs house and this got me thinking. If my ex-boyfriend, Andy, and I can have a special place in our hearts for each other and still have limited contact after we broke-up 10 years ago, why can't I do the same with D?

I remember when Andy and I broke-up, it was horrible. We had been dating for 3 1/2 years and we thought that we would be married someday. It was a mutual decision for us to break-up and one that turned out to be the best decision, but it was hard. I thought my world was going to end without him in it. And even though both his and my heart were shattered into a million little pieces, we moved on. But there was always this pact that we made when we first started dating that has remained in my head for the last 10 years and will continue to remain there. Our pact was that no matter what happened with our relationship, we would always remain friends. That is why, over the past 10 years, we have maintained limited contact with one another and why I ultimately decided to go to his beloved wife's wake.

And D is really no different. We were really good friends for quite some time. We took family vacations together, we got together on the weekends with our families for impromptu dinners, we did girly stuff together while our guys did man stuff together, our kids played together, we knew each others families and really, they were truly an expansion of our family. They were so much a part of our lives that when our friendship ended it was painful and heart-breaking. Who would I call every day to chat with? Who would I express my frustrations to? Who did I believe would have my back, no matter what? (Of course, DH filled these roles anyways, but it was nice to have another woman's perspective). She had a special place in my heart and when we were no longer friends, my heart was broken and sad.

So, I decided to call her the day after Bri's wake. I knew that I didn't want to leave things the way they were forever. Life isn't fair and after what happened to Bri, I wanted to be on good terms with D again. When I called her she was receptive to my phone call and it wasn't at all awkward. I told her that I had gone to a wake and it made me think about some things. I explained that I didn't have the need to go back and hash out what had happened in the past, but rather I wanted to move forward with our friendship, whatever that means. I also said that I don't have a plan for how our friendship will be in the future. We agreed that things were said and done that could not be taken back. She agreed that she wanted to go to school functions for our kids and not have there be any awkwardness between us. All in all, it was a good conversation. I told her that she has a special place in my heart and she said the same about me. We ended it by her saying that we will have to get together for dinner soon.

I haven't heard from her since. And it is okay. I am sure that our paths will cross again and it will be just fine. We will be able to greet each other and have a pleasant conversation, rather than trying to avoid each other. If she is ever in a bind or needs support, I will be there for her because she has a special place in my heart. Just as I was for Andy when his wife passed away.

You never know how life will turn out. But when you find people who mean something to you and have a special place in your heart, even though you have differences, it is okay. If D and I become better friends again in the future, that would be nice, but it will also be okay if things remain the same. What is meant to be, will be.

Another lesson learned brought to you by IF. (insert sarcasm) At least I can thank our IF for some good things. Blah.

OB Appt and U/S- All Good News!

2009-09-30T20:07:00.000-05:00

[Edited: accidentally typed 180/60 ofr my blood pressure today. It was actually 108/60]

Today we had another OB appt and an u/s. When we went into the u/s room I asked the tech if she could find the heartbeats again right away. She asked me if I was worried about it and I responded, "I'm always worried about it". She found the heartbeats and both boys were active as usual. I am not sure that they even sleep that much since they are both busy little monkeys all of the time. Here are the stats from today's appt:

Baby A: weighs 1lb3oz, which puts him in the 52%
Baby B: weighs 1lb4oz, which puts him in the 68%
Baby A h/b: 142
Baby B h/b: 144
Blood Pressure: 108/60 (exact same as last time)
Cervical Length: 4.77
Fundal Height: 30cm
Weight Gain: 30 pounds (WOW!)
Genders: Confirmed without a doubt:)

When my OB and I talked about my weight gain I told her that I was surprised that I had gained so much from my last appt since my appetite has decreased and I am eating mostly from the food groups with maybe a cookie or some ice cream thrown in every once in a while. When I got home and was looking at my legs I it dawned on me that I have more fluid retention than I did three weeks ago at my last appt.

In one of the pictures we saw on the u/s screen Baby B was sitting peacefully and Baby A was hitting him in the head with his elbow. It is so painful to watch, but it makes me giggle to know that they are typical little boys already (not that we condone hitting in our house at all). Another u/s pic we have has Baby B lying on top of Baby A head. It sounds really weird, but it is really cute like they are snuggled together in a really odd position.

My next OB appt is October 21 and I will also have the glucose test done that day as well. Our next u/s to check for growth and cervical length will be on October 28. Once I get to 30-32 weeks I will be going in every week and we will schedule my c-section around that time as well.

At the end of our appt I asked my OB what my chances of going into pre-term labor are at this point. She said that everything looks good and mentioned again that I had a 9lb4oz baby before so that works in my favor. She told me that "everything is going perfectly" and that I should "feel confident in how well this pregnancy is going". I asked her to promise me that she wouldn't let me have two 9lb babies and she assured me that I wouldn't and that she didn't think I would stretch that far.

As a side note- cute kid story: Tonight I was hugging Logan and telling him how much I love him and how he has been such a good boy lately by being a good listener. I was on my knees and had my arms wrapped around his little body. All of the sudden he dropped to his knees and started kissing my belly. I asked, "what are you doing?". He replied, "just kissing the babies so that they don't cry and when they come out of your belly I will kiss them some more so that they don't cry, but you have to change their poopy diapers." Did I ever mention how much it makes me laugh to hear children put things in their own words? :)

Shopping Fun and Genders: Revealed

2009-09-28T11:48:00.000-05:00

Since we found out the genders of our babies three weeks ago we have had so much fun telling others that we are having "two little monkeys". My family especially has been asking certain questions like: "what color clothes should we be buying?" or "do you need pink or blue scrapbook supplies?" to which DH and kindly reply, "one never knows until they arrive" or "maybe or maybe not". We have all been having a little bit of fun with keeping their genders a secret.

Saturday DH and I went shopping in the afternoon for some baby gear. We spent the day researching the big items like cribs, double strollers, monitors, bouncy seats, swings and bedding. We have one of some of these items, but other items that we had from Logan either broke or we got rid of because we didn't like. We ended up buying a new bouncy seat and a double stroller, which we got an awesome deal on!

We decided that when the babies are infants we don't want to get a side-by-side stroller because that would require us taking them out of their infant seats and place them directly in the stroller. So we decided to look for a front-to-back stroller for now and then we will most likely purchase the side-by-side stroller in the future. When we were looking at strollers at Ba.bies.R.U.s we saw that the Gra.co Duo.glider was on clearance. We were told that it is being discontinued because they are changing the color on it and maybe making modifications to it. The stroller was normally $229.99 clearanced down to $149.99. With the 10% discount that Ba.bies.R.U.s gives for multiples and a coupon I had, the stroller ended up being $137. DH and I agreed that it is not the most awesome stroller ever, but it is practical and will do just fine for when the babies are infants and when I need a front-to-back stroller when I am out shopping or in a crowd as they get older. DH made the comment that because we got such a great deal on this stroller, we won't feel bad spending more money on a better stroller in the future. I agree!

The store did not have the Gra.co Snug.ride infant car seats that I wanted so I came home and found them online at Wal.mart.com for $82! The same car seats in the store were $99.99, except of course they don't have the style I wanted. I am saving on shipping by having them shipped to a Wal.mart location near my house.

We also purchased some baby blankets and figured out what we are going to purchase for some of the other big items. After realizing that you can only make returns within 90 days, we decided to wait until we are within 90 days of our due date so that if there is a problem with anything we buy that we will be able to return it.

After we got home from shopping I received a phone call from my mom wondering how our shopping trip went. I told her where we went and what we bought. She then asked, "So, your dad and I need to know what color stuff we should start buying the babies for Christmas" and my dad chimed in the background, "No, what colors should we buy for Halloween? or better yet, do I need to buy boy or girl camo gear for the hunting season?" I started laughing and said, "let me ask DH". DH was standing right there and he gave the go ahead to tell them the genders. After shopping all afternoon and being reminded how much all this baby gear will cost we figured that as much help as they are willing to give us in buying clothes or other items, we will take! I asked my mom, "Are you sure you want to know??" She exclaimed, "Yes!" She put my dad on speaker phone and as I was laughing I told her, "I will tell you, but you aren't going to believe me anyways" (she was convinced that we are having one boy and one girl), "well, we are having two little monkeys ..........(long pause)..........which are usually associated with little boys". My mom responded, "And??". I was laughing SO hard by this time because I knew she wouldn't believe me so I said, "And nothing, we are have two little boys". After going back and forth with me laughing and her questioning me I think she finally believed me that we are having two little baby BOYS! :)

We have also been telling Logan for the last three weeks that he is going to have two brothers. He also is convinced that we are going to have "one brother and one sister". We have told him at least 50 times that he is going to have two brothers, but if you ask him today what we are having he will tell you, "one brother and one sister". I told him this morning on the way to school that he may be disappointed when they come and they are two boys.

DH is already planning on clearing out some of our woods and making a dirt track for them to ride four-wheelers, snowmobiles, go-karts and dirt bikes. I am pulling the reins back and telling him that I am not too sure I want my boys to have these powerful machines. As they grow and mature, we'll see what happens. I can forsee lots of broken bones in my future, which I am not at all prepared for!

I have always wanted a whole gaggle of boys. I love my nieces, but I love my little boy. I love how he likes to help daddy with projects and how he likes to help me make dinner and bake. I love his adventurous spirit and how he can be a tough little guy. There is just something about little boys that bring a smile to my face. I like to shop, but by myself and I briefly thought about planning their wedding and decided that even though I won't be as involved as my future daughter-in-laws family, it will be okay. Somehow I will find a non-intrusive way to be involved. And, I will always be there for my boys, no matter what.

Shopping for Babies

2009-09-25T10:37:00.001-05:00

I have been researching twin baby gear for weeks and trying to decide what products are best for us. Most of my research has been online. I have been reading consumer report reviews, reading customer reviews, talking to other twin moms and talking to DH. I have ventured to a couple of baby stores for very short visits and then end up walking out because it is all so overwhelming.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO EXCITED to be spending money on baby-related things for MY babies. This time, I am without tears in my eyes as I have been in the past for others babies that I have had to buy baby shower gifts for. It's just that shopping for baby stuff has made me a bit anxious- in a good way.

The other day I told DH, "less than four months until our babies arrive". His eyes got as big as saucers and his mouth dropped open and he just stared for a moment. And as quickly as this blank stare came, it was gone and replaced with a million dollar smile and glitter in his eyes. You see, we are both still in so much awe that we are pregnant, and with TWO babies nonetheless. And, my, how time has flown during this pregnancy!

I am 22 weeks today- woohoo!! Which means that our babies will be arriving in the next 16 weeks (hopefully not until after the New Year). Wow, after three years of TTC, our little much-anticipated dreams will be arriving into our loving arms. It just takes my breath away a bit. To know (hopefully) that we will have two perfect little ones to love so much we can hardly stand it is well...awesomely, amazingly, wonderfully, WOW! To give Logan a sibling and watch how he grows and teaches his siblings will quite possibly be the most wonderful thing I will ever see.

So, with much anticipated, anxious and overwhelming joy, DH and I are going baby gear shopping tomorrow. My sister is taking Logan for us while we spend the afternoon trying to figure out what products will work best for our family. Which style of stroller- front and back or tandem? Which swing? What kind of monitor? Which car seats?....and the list goes on. I don't know if we will make any big purchases, but it will be nice to see and test the products in the store with DH. He will add insight and be able to tell if some of the products are worth buying or if we should search for something better. After all, we have been partners in crime through our entire of IF journey, why stop now? Not only do I want, love and like DH, I need him more than he'll ever know.

Update: Wake/Visitation

2009-09-20T19:38:00.000-05:00

Today my mom, dad and I went to the wake for Bri Her.oux. She is the wife of my ex-boyfriend/family friend, Andy, that I posted about a few days ago. DH and I talked a lot about it before I went and we were both upset and sad over this horrible situation. DH really wanted to go also, but felt that since he had never met Andy in person that it would not be appropriate to go.

When we got to the funeral home at 3:00 when it started there were already so many people there. Most notably, I saw squad cars from the City of Still.water (where Bri was a police officer), City of St Pa.ul (where Andy is a police officer), Minn.esota State Tro.oper (where Bri worked in dispatch) and Still.water Fire Department. I was moved instantly when I pulled into the parking lot and saw her squad car with flowers and stuffed animals all over it. The lights on top of the squad were draped in black.

As we entered the building my mom and I began tearing up and there was already a lot of people in line waiting to express their condolences to Andy and both Bri and Andy's family. As we got closer my dad said, "Andy just gave me a thumbs up" meaning that he was happy to see my dad. A few minutes later Andy looked up again in our direction and his eyes landed on mine. His face instantly lit up and he gave me a little wave. I started crying even more and gave a slight smile. I just can't believe that this poor woman who just gave birth is no longer here to see her son smile and to experience the joys of motherhood with her husband.

When we got up to Andy he gave my mom a hug and they talked for a minute. As my mom turned to greet Bri's parents and then Andy's parents, Andy looked at me and gave me a huge hug. I have never been hugged so tightly in my life. I was sobbing and he began to cry and we just hugged. When we pulled away he held my hands and said, "it has been a long time. Thank you so much for coming". I told him how sorry I was for his loss and that after all this time I didn't want to see him for this. By this time I was a wreck. After seeing his wife laying in the casket beside him I felt so much sorrow for all that they have been through.

As I passed Bri's parents I said, "Hi. I'm just a friend of Andy's. I am so terribly sorry for your loss". They were so gracious as they shook my hand and thanked me for coming.

When I saw Andy's mom we embraced and this was the second time that I was hugged so hard. She began crying when she was hugging me and I was again sobbing and telling her and Andy's dad how sorry I was for their loss. They told my mom, dad and I how much they appreciated us coming and how nice it was to see all of us. We chatted for a couple of minutes and Andy's mom asked me when I was due, his dad told me that he would have Andy call DH and I if he needed help with anything, they complimented me on my DH and Logan, and his dad asked if I make chocolate chip cookies (apparently he loves chocolate chip cookies and when I offered to help in any way he thought he might as well as for cookies, LOL:))

As my mom, dad and I left we talked about our conversations with Andy and Bri and Andy's families. My dad told Andy that our family will always be there for him. I thought this was so appropriate. Everyone in my family had a really good relationship with Andy and even when we stopped dating, my dad continued to be friends with him. DH and I were talking last night and he believes that if there is anything that we could possibly do to help Andy and his baby boy, that we will. In situations such as this how do you not help out, regardless of any past history you have with that person?

I will continue to hope, wish and pray for Andy, his baby boy and their families. They hold a special place in my heart and I will remember them all forever. As their baby boy grows I hope that he resembles his mommy in so many ways to remind her family that her spirit is still alive and that an angel in heaven surrounds them. Rest in Peace, Bri.

To read more about Bri, her baby boy and Andy, follow these links:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brienneheroux
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/lelandheroux

Ras.cal Fla.tts

2009-09-18T06:31:00.001-05:00

I have been a fan of Ras.cal Fla.tts for a long time. I have always enjoyed their music and think they are a good group. A couple of years ago I heard their song called "My Wish". When I first heard this song I immediately thought of Logan and how much this song resonated with me for what I wish for him. I have this song on my I.pod and I play it for him every now and again. As soon as it comes on he says, "Mommy, this is my song". The lyrics are here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZpcB1A2r3A

About two years ago I was again listening to some Ras.cal Fla.tts music and came across another song that resonated with me while struglling with IF called "Bless the Broken Road". Even though this is a romantic type song, when I heard it I felt like I was walking on a Broken Road to get to a point where I would hopefully have another child. The last time I heard this song on my radio was around a year ago, until beta day. When I was driving to the clinic for my beta this song started playing on the radio. I immediately burst in to tears. Even though I was crying I felt such calm and peace in that moment on the surface. Below the surface I had such a mix of emotions that ranged from "maybe this is my sign that it actually worked this time" to "oh no, this song is jinxing me". But alas, my positive beta finally arrived.

I had not heard this song on the radio all summer long until last week when I went in for my Level II u/s. I was driving down the road and the song came on the radio again. I could not believe that I never hear this song on the radio, but then on two of the most important days of this pregnancy it was on the radio.

Logan and I were listening to this song a couple of days ago and he said, "Mom, this is the babies song." I said, "yes, it is. Just like you have My Wish". He replied, "Maybe when the babies get here I can share my song with them". I thought this was so fitting because even though we have traveled this bumpy road to conceive these babies, the broken road that I have traveled for them will no longer be broken, but rather the pieces will be in place and where they should have been all along.

Hopefully I will have two healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy, but I will never forget the Broken Road that I have traveled. My babies will not know my journey on this Broken Road for a long time, but it will always remain with me as a part of who I am today and how I will be going forward in life as a mom, wife, friend, etc. How could one possibly forget what they have gone through to create little miracles of life?

In the spirit of remembering our IF journey, DH and I are planning on going to the Ras.cal Fla.tts concert tomorrow night. When they have come to town the last couple of years we have always been busy and not able to go. On Tuesday I asked my mom and dad to take Logan over night for us and DH has made contact with a guy on Craig.slist to obtain tickets for us. I am so hoping that they play these two songs in addition to so many of their other songs that I love. And I hope that as this pregnancy progresses, that more of the broken pieces on the road continue to fall in to place.

Please Pray For This Family

2009-09-14T20:18:00.001-05:00

Just a quick disclaimer that the babies and I are fine. However, this post is very sad.

In college I dated a guy named Andy for three years. When we started dating he made a pact with me that we would always remain friends no matter what happened with our relationship. When we ended our relationship we continued to get updates on each other. Every Christmas I would send him a Christmas card and a couple days later he would send me a card and a letter back in the mail. I have also exchanged Christmas cards with his parents for the last 10 years.

I also received updates on him and what was going on in his life from my dad. When we were dating my dad got him a job at his place of employment and he made friends there whom he still talks to today. I saw his old partner two times this summer when my dad retired and at a wake for one of his old co-workers.

A couple of years ago he sent my parents a wedding announcement. This summer I learned that he and his wife were expecting their first child. When I got married six years ago I received a phone call from him congratulating me. When his grandpa died four years ago I called him to express my condolences. I have talked to him several times in the 10 years since we stopped dating.

Today I found out some very sad, heart-wrenching news. My ex-boyfriend/long-time family friend lost his wife last night. She developed HELLP syndrome and never recovered. In addition to this horrific news, on August 30, their baby boy was born with his bladder outside of his body. Bri was never able to meet her little boy as she was not awake when he was born and her conditione worsened after her baby was born. She was given a liver transplant last week and her body seemed to be accepting the liver when it appears that she was diagnosed with brain damage. She was taken off of life support last night.

I have been in tears for most of the day. I just can't believe that something so horrible could happen to such good people. DH also so feels incredible sad for this family even though he has never met Andy in person.

I have been trying to decide today if I will attend her visitation given my current pregnant condition and history with him. I talked with several people and got mixed advice. All day long I was feeling like I really need to go to this service. Even though we are not as close as we once were, I feel like we still share some sort of bond. My decision became clear when I spoke with my dad this afternoon. He told me that he and my mom would be going and he would feel horrible if he did not go to her visitation. I was telling my dad that I din't know if I should go, but I really do want to go. His response, "Oh, I think you should go. I think he would be disappointed if you didn't go. I know Andy well and I know that he would want you to come. He will probably break down in tears once he sees you." This is how I was feeling all day too. My dad is not one to mince words and would tell me without a doubt if I shouldn't go. How could I possibly not go and support him during this horrible time in his life?

To read more here is the link to their story:
http://www.kare11.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=824374&catid=391&GID=rQpvLpuViMIa26OdELHUJ0ZRYnM99vsKwA+Gt5yr3dM%3D

19 Week Belly Pics

2009-09-09T20:25:00.000-05:00

I have to warn you before you view this post that I have GROWN. As you may remember from my last post, I am measuring what someone would measure with a singleton at 26 weeks. I also tried taking a pic with my exposed belly, i.e, pulling my shirt up over the top of my belly, but I still have really faint bruises from the hep.arin so I decided not to post it. Enjoy!

And, just for fun because it was Logan's first day of preschool this year, a pic of my big boy.

Now that Logan is back in school three days/week I will have more time to get other things done. I have a few posts that I have been wanting to write for a while now so stay tuned!

Level II Ultrasound and Names

2009-09-08T19:02:00.000-05:00

Today we had our level II u/s and our 20 week appt with our OB. When we got to our clinic I was really nervous (as I am for every appt and u/s), but was excited to see our little angels since our last u/s was six weeks ago. In the last couple of weeks I have begun to feel both babies moving more so I knew that they were still "alive and kickin'", but it is such a nice reassurance to actually see them.

When she started the u/s I asked the technician to make sure they had heartbeats first. She replied, "I have already seen them kicking and moving, but let me get a good a look at their hearts." I so love when they are so agreeable to my silly requests:) She proceeded to measure them both and we had so much fun watching them moving all around and kicking. At one point, one of them was kicking the other one in the head with both feet. DH and I were giggling because the baby that was getting kicked kept putting up his little hand to block the kicks.

Here are some stats from our appt today:

Baby A and Baby B: weighed in at 12oz each
Baby A and Baby B: all measurements were the same and everything looked good on the u/s
Baby A and Baby B: both measured at 19w5d (I am 19w4d today)
Baby A h/b: 145
Baby B h/b: 153
Weight Gain: 22 pounds
Blood Pressure: 108/60
Fundal Height: 26cm
Cervical Length: 4.9
Fluid Retention: slight edema

The only measurement they were not able to get was Baby B spine since he was laying down. I will have another OB appt and u/s in three weeks where they will check to see if they can get a good picture of it then.

And, yes, we did find out the sexes. I have never felt confident in the determination of a baby's sex at the 20 week u/s since I know quite a few people who have been told one sex and their child was born and it was the opposite sex. Since it is a secret anyways, I will just say that we are having two little monkeys. We are decorating their room in a monkey theme, thus the two little "monkeys".

After our u/s we met with our OB. She told me that the only restrictions I have is no lifting >25#. She said that everything looks great and that I am "doing a good job". I told her that I was concerned that I would have two big babies again since the u/s tech told me that the babies are weighing what a singleton would at 20 weeks. She told me that they probably wouldn't be as big as L was when he was born at a strapping 9lbs4ozs.

She also told me that she wants to see me every three weeks at this point and told me to make the next three appts before I left today. My next appt is on Wednesday, September 30.

We have two girl names picked out, but no boy names. Boy names are so hard! Here are the girl names:

Madelyn Grace (Madelyn was my grandma's name and Grace was DHs grandma's name)
Amelia Hope (My grandpa's name and my dad's middle name were Mel for aMELia and Hope because we never gave up)

L's real name is Logan Michael

DH and I have been talking about boy names for a few weeks and none are really jumping out at us. We have a couple of boys names that we somewhat like, but we don't love. And don't go reading into anything either and thinking we have two boys. For myself I just need to have two names for each gender. Does anyone have suggestions for boy names??

Looking for a Nanny

2009-08-31T05:44:00.000-05:00

[side note: thank you all so much for the wonderful advice on my last post! For now, I have decided to just let the message I left for D stand. I saw her MIL at the grocery store last week and chatted with her for awhile. I mentioned that D had sent me a card and that I called her and left a message for her, but that I have not heard back. I know that she will tell D that she saw me and am almost certain she will tell her what I said. I will also being seeing D and her family this week when we attend our kids pre-school back-to-school open house. I will also be seeing her at the end of September for our kids fundraiser for their pre-school. Whether or not we actually talk at these events will remain to be seen. I am just going to "go with the flow" and see what happens, if anything.]

DH and I have been talking about hiring a nanny to work 2 days/week after the babies are born. Since we are both self-employed and I work from our home office, we figured it would be a better solution to have someone come to our house rather than hauling all three of our children to another location.

I also think it would be a huge benefit to be able to see my children during the day and to be able to lend a hand to the nanny when the babies may be crying or fussing a lot. I also want the opportunity to bring L on play dates without the babies so he can get some friend and mommy time without his siblings. I am also hoping to get some errands done on the days that the nanny comes too (how do you grocery shop with two infants and a 5 yr old anyways?).

So, in short I will be cramming A LOT into the two days that the nanny will be here:)

After talking with several people, it seems like hiring a nanny would also be less expensive for us than taking our kids to a day care facility. In the summer, L goes to an in-home day care 1 day/week and we pay $40/day for him; if we have three children go there it will be $120/day. I have a friend who has a 4 yr old and twin 1 yr olds and she pays $100/day for a nanny to come to her house.

A couple of weeks ago I started asking my friends if they knew of a nanny. Lo and behold, last night I received an email from a friend of mine who is a Labor and Delivery nurse at our local hospital. It said:

I was working this weekend and was conversing with a visitor and she happened to say that she has nannied for triplets in the past. I asked her if she still does and she said maybe weeknights or weekends. I know that wasn't what you were looking for, but at least it's a contact and surprise: she lives right in [your town]! She is a teacher which is why she isn't available during the day. She was happy to give me her info and tell me that even if you would need a sitter or something-she would be available. Also, she said maybe she could connect you with someone.

I am so excited about this email! Since my DH does not work a lot in the winter time from Thankgiving-ish to March and L will be starting Kindergarten next year and be at school from 9-3, I don't really need someone year-round. If I had someone in the summertime during our busiest work months and also the busiest time with L, that would be perfect! My friend also told me in another email last night that this nanny did say that she might be available in the summer and that she would be willing to help in any way that she can. Plus, she lives SO close to me!

And, even if it doesn't work out and she isn't our nanny, it would be nice to have a sitter for the evenings and weekends who is familiar with multiples. Now, that is what I call priceless!

Advice Needed

2009-08-25T11:32:00.000-05:00

I once had a BFF named D. We met through our husbands who went to high school together. We were the type of friends who would talk on the phone every day, get together with our husbands and kids on weekends, take vacations together...all those things that you do with your BFF.

Just over a year ago we had a falling out and are no longer friends. There were several reasons for the falling out, but the "straw that broke the camels back" was when she could not support me through our IF. Instead of being a supportive friend, she told me that she was "ditching me" for her other friends (ones that I introduced her to). This, after I stood by her through her rocky marriage and many other personal issues she had gone through in the course of our friendship. Just for the record, I don't think I was all innocent either. I was at the lowest of lows of my life and was pretty depressed over our IF and was not a joy to be around, this I know. In June 2008, I told her that I could no longer be friends with her and that I needed to surround myself with those who were willing to support me. Since then, my DH and her DH have only spoken a few times on the phone and have had lunch 1-2 times.

Fast forward to August 2009 when I received a card in the mail from her saying:

Dear K- I was thrilled to hear you are expecting twins. I am sure you and your family are very happy. Congrats again- & Happy Birthday.:) D

When I opened up my mail that day I just about fell over in shock. I never expected to hear a word from her again. After thinking about it for the day, I decided that it was a nice gesture and perhaps her way of "sticking out the olive branch". My DH agreed and he encouraged me to call her to thank her for the card. I called three days later and left a message for her saying:

Hi, D, it's K. I am just calling to thank you for the card I received in the mail. That was very kind of you to send it and I appreciate that you took the time to send it. I also wanted to congratulate you on the birth of your third little boy. Three little boys, how fun! I hope you all are doing well and I will talk to you later.

[side note: I am still friends with some of the girls that used to hang out in our group of friends that I introduced her to so I am assuming that she heard through the grapevine that we were expecting, just as I heard that she had another boy].

It has been one week and I have not heard back from her. To be honest, I didn't really care whether or not I heard back from her when I called having the attitude "it is what it is". I didn't ask for her to return my call and I made no other attempt in the message I left for her to indicate that I wanted further contact. And this is where I am stuck. I really don't know whether or not I want to try to rekindle our friendship. Part of me feels like she couldn't be there for me when I needed her the most so why would I need/want her as a friend now? The other part of me remembers how much fun we had together and how nice it would be for our DHs and our kids to be friends again. Our kids go to the same school and we live 5 minutes from each other so we are always running into each other.

I am not foolish enough to think that our friendship would be the same that it once was. And there were a handful of other things that I did not enjoy about our friendship either (to put it nicely, a rocky marriage which is still an issue and her son who is super aggressive to L which my DH thinks would be better now that the kids are older to name a couple).

So, what would you do? Would you just let the message I left for her stand and see what happens in the future? Or would you try to contact her again and try to rekindle the friendship? Any other thoughts?

The Cost of It All- Put in Perspective

2009-08-21T09:51:00.000-05:00

The other night DH and I were talking about all of the baby things we need to buy for these babies. I looked at him incredulously and with a twinkle in my eye (because this is what I have been not-so-patiently waiting to do for three years and I can't believe I finally get to buy baby stuff!). This was our very short conversation:

Me: OMG, we have like $5,000 worth of stuff to buy! (Of course, I didn't actually tabulate the dollar amount, but rather took a number out of thin air).

DH: Yeah....well, it is a lot less expensive to buy all of this stuff to prepare for them to arrive than it was to conceive them.

Me: Very true! (followed by laughter from both of us)

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my DH and how he puts a spin on things and can always put them in a better perspective than I can? :)

Happy Friday to all! I am 17 weeks today and I am so excited to see my bestest friend today. She, her DH and her two kids are coming to stay with us for the weekend, WOOHOO!

16 Week OB Appointment

2009-08-18T12:50:00.000-05:00

Before I tell you about my appt, I have to first tell you about my fabulous birthday yesterday. L and I decided to have a low-key day and we stayed home yesterday morning, rather than going to a play date or the park or story time at the library or wherever else we decide to go. It was so nice just to "chill out" since we have been so busy this summer. DH came home last night and he brought me my presents. He gave me a few misc things that I wanted and then I opened up a large camera-like case. I had just bought a new camera a couple of months ago so I was a bit confused. The next present I opened was a video camera. I was in shock and soooo super happy! We have never had one and have talked about getting one for a long time and my dear, sweet DH decided to just get it and give it to me. Now I can finally tape all of the funny things that L says and does and I can video the babies when they arrive. :) I ended the day with going out to dinner with my two favorite boys.

This morning I had my 16 week appt. I had one day last week when the babies were so active all day long and since them I have hardly felt them move so I was really worried going into today's appt. They took a urine sample to check for a UTI and it came back normal. They also checked my hemoglobin and it is above 11 still. Once it goes below 11, my OB will prescribe iron pills. Here are some of the other stats:

Weight Gain: 16 pounds
Blood Pressure: 114/60
Fundal Height: 20 cm
Babies Heartbeats: between 156-164

So far, everything looks good! I have gained about a pound a week, which is great, my b/p is still low, I am measuring the same as someone with a singleton would measure at 20 weeks and both babies heartbeats are going strong!

I told my OB that I was still taking the baby aspirin (which she told me to stop taking at 13 weeks, but I was too nervous to stop) and said that she actually DOES want me to continue taking it for various reasons. She said that blood clots increase with twins and also to keep the micro vascular arteries "slippery".

I asked her if she thought I would be put on bed rest at some point. She said that she can't tell at this point, but the fact that I have carried a 9lb 4.2oz baby to full term is a good sign and that lowers that risk of going into pre-term labor. She also told me that I am not on any real restrictions at this point except she doesn't want me doing really strenuous stuff like yard work or heavy lifting. I assured her that I am not even vacuuming at this point (thanks DH!). She thought that when I see her at my next appt that she would most likely put me on some restrictions due to fatigue, but hopefully not because of any other medical reasons.

I also asked if I could take a "prenatal splash" class at one of the therapy pools close to our house. It is a swimming/low impact exercise class for pregnant women. They follow all of the recommended guidelines for pregnant women. I am already experiencing shortness of breath going up stairs or walking long distances so I want to try to keep up my strength and mobility as I get bigger. She gave the ok to do this because she encourages movement for as long as my body is able to handle it.

My 20 week u/s is on September 8 and then we have an appt with our OB that same day as well. Things are going to smoothly that I feel like I am waiting for the shoe to drop. After we get through our 20 week u/s, I will hopefully be able to rest much easier:)

Two Most Common Questions

2009-08-15T13:13:00.000-05:00

Whenever someone, whether it be a stranger or someone I know, says "Congrats!" on our pregnancy I always tell them that we are pregnant with twins. I just want both babies to "count" or be recognized somehow. I worked so hard to get them that I feel I need to be fair to each of them and let people know that there are two babies. Yep, I am already starting to be fair with my twins...what one gets the other will also get. My sister and I were raised so fairly and both of us have always felt equally loved, nurtured, important, etc by our parents.

When I tell others that we are pregnant with twins the first question they ask (in at least 99.9% of instances) is: Do twins run in your family? DH and I simply say, "yes, they run in both sides of our family". And, quite amazingly, this is true. My aunt was a twin (although the details on what happened to her brother are somewhat unknown. We know that he died, but not sure if he died before or after birth). One of my grandma's was also a twin. DHs grandma was also a twin.

Obviously our twins were not conceived due to the genetic make-up of our family, but do strangers and others whom we know really need to know the details of how our babies were conceived? Nope, I don't think so! I don't think this because I am embarrassed of the route we had to go to get pregnant with these babies (because I am quite proud of how DH and I handled our IF), but I don't feel that all people can handle the information on IVF, nor does everyone with agree with ART procedures. I also feel like I didn't tell others that DH and I had sex to conceive L (once again, I'll pause while you lean over and throw up a little in the garbage can....). Simply put, it isn't any business of someone whom I wish not to share it with.

The second most common question we get asked is: Do you know what you are having? or Will you find out what you are having? DH and I have agreed that we will find out the sex of our babies, but we will not be sharing this with anyone. Most of our close friends and family know the exact date and time our children were conceived, the date we got pregnant, and the date we found out we were pregnant. They will also know when our planned c-section will occur. We want one little thing to keep to ourselves as a surprise for others. We have been so blessed to be supported by so many people who care about us and our journey. It's just that I want just one eensy, weensy little surprise, that's all.

My next appointment is on Tuesday with my OB. I have a bunch of questions to ask her and we are excited to hear the babies heartbeats again. We will also be setting up our 20 week u/s.

Daddy's First Kick

2009-08-10T13:55:00.000-05:00

Last night we ran a couple of errands and then stopped at a nearby park so that L could play and get some energy out. While we were sitting on the bench watching him play I felt Baby A move on my left side, just to the left of my belly button. It didn't feel like a kick, but just a "movement". Kind of like the baby was pressing his/her whole back on my belly. I grabbed DHs hand right away and had him feel the hard spot that Baby A was making on my belly. He felt the hard little body pushing on my belly. As he was holding his hand there, he felt a couple of little kicks. I kept telling him, "are you sure you felt it? Because my pulse is really strong right now so you could just be feeling my pulse." He assured me that he could feel the difference between my pulse and a baby kick:)

When we were talking in bed last night I felt one of the babies kicking me. I grabbed DHs hand again and he placed it where I was feeling the kicks and he felt the kicking. Both times he was beaming from ear to ear and he said, "that is so cool that I can feel them kicking already". Then he leaned down and kissed my big belly.

I feel so lucky to have these babies in my belly. I am loving every minute of having them snuggled in and growing inside of me. I have been on the verge of tears all day because of how much love and joy I feel. Not only for these babies, but for my little L and my DH. I don't think that life could be much better at this point.

14 Weeks Belly Pictures

2009-08-04T19:32:00.000-05:00

You all have been waiting so patiently for me to post belly pics:) DH and I were also trying to scan in our u/s pics today and our scanner seems to be temporarily out of order. I need to call HP to have them help me fix it over the phone, but I haven't had time to do it today. Hopefully in the next week I can get it working and post some of my most recent u/s pics.

Without further ado, here are my 14 week belly pics:

Please excuse my scrunched up face as I was squinting at the sun. Hopefully my next pic will be better:)

I have still been feeling tons of little kicking. Yesterday I felt the babies moving all day long and today they have been more quiet. It is such a nice reassurance to feel them kicking away and know that they are still thriving and growing.

I am still a bit tired, but not until 7-8:00 at night. In my first trimester I would get tired around 4:00 in the afternoon and be lethargic for the rest of the day. Thankfully, DH is awesome and always so willing to accommodate me. He and L are quite the duo and have been going on tons of adventures together.

L has been really excited and talking about the babies a lot. He will come up to me and say, "Mom, when are those babies coming out of your belly?" with only the enthusiasm that a 4 year old has:) When I tell him, "After you start pre-school, after Halloween, after Thanksgiving, after your birthday and after Santa comes, that is when the babies will come". He looks at me and says, "Well, that will be forever". I usually agree with him. I tell DH all of the time, "Is it January yet?" I really just can't wait until I am holding these babies in my arms. L will also come up to me and put his ear to my belly button and tell me that he can hear the babies in my belly.

I have been enjoying reading all of your blogs and keeping up with everyone. There are a couple of special blog friends who are cycling and I am rooting you on like you wouldn't believe.

Terrified of Two

2009-07-30T06:44:00.000-05:00

[Side note: I will be posting u/s pics soon. I am a bit technologically challenged so my DH and I are going to sit down soon to figure out my scanner and my new camera soon.]

I have always wanted twins. Not just since I started going to IF, but since forever I have wanted twins. When I pregnant with L I would ask my doctor every time we went in for an appt if she was sure there was only one baby in my belly. Even when I had a 36 week u/s to make sure that my anterior placenta had moved away from my cervix, I asked the u/s technician to confirm that there were not two babies in my belly. You see, twins run in my family and in my DHs family so I thought for sure that I was destined to have twins of my own.

Now that I am pregnant with twins, I am a bit terrified (ok terrified is a strong word, but maybe a little worried) of having them. I am a huge worry wart so my first worry is that they will be born far too soon and that my body won't be able to handle both babies. L was 9lb 4.2oz when he was born so I know my body can handle the "weight" and I had a completely uncomplicated pregnancy with him, but I know that so much more can go wrong with two babies.

I am also worried that both of the babies will be "cry babies". L was such a good baby from the get-go. He was really mild tempered,unless he was hungry (although who could blame him since he was so well-nourished when he was born), and not colicky at all (despite have severe acid reflux). He has always been such a good boy, really, and I'm not just saying that because I am his Mom. I am worried that his siblings we be more shall we say "difficult" since I had such an easy baby the first time around.

I am worried about taking three children out for play dates by myself and that they will all need me at the same time and I won't be able to help all of them simultaneously. I am worried that I will be so sleep-deprived that I won't be doing a good job of being a Mom. I am worried that when the babies become toddlers that they will both be running in different directions and I will have to choose which one to go after.

I know I should not be comparing L to his siblings and this is something that I am going to try really hard not to do as I go along in the pregnancy and when the babies arrive. Every one, no matter how big or small, is different.

As I was discussing my worries with my DH two nights ago he was, and always is, the voice of reason: "we will be fine', "I will be home with you in the winter so there will be two of us here to help us get adjusted", "I can go without a lot of sleep so if you are tired you don't have to get up with the babies", "you are a great Mom already and you will with these babies as well", "we were worried about adjusting to life with L and everything turned out fine, and we will do the same with these babies". Ah, the voice of reason is like music to my ears.

And, no matter how worried I am, I am ecstatic, joyful, and excited too. I told DH that I still feel like I am in shock because we are not only having a baby, we are having two babies. I can't believe I am this lucky to be sitting here with two babies in my belly. How can I possibly deserve this much happiness?

Viability Ultrasound

2009-07-28T10:59:00.000-05:00

We had our viability u/s this morning after weaning off of the heparin shots. I was nervous as usual and asked the u/s tech if she would find their little heartbeats first before looking at anything else. She found both of them right away and both babies were positioned where I have been feeling their little kicks.

Baby A was laying face up and on my lower left side. Baby B was laying face down/back (facing my back) on my right side a bit higher up. Here are their stats:

Baby A: measured 13w6d, h/b 148
Baby B: measured 13w6d, h/b 159
I am currently 13w4d

We got a lot of really good pictures of each of them today. I have never had a 3D u/s before and DH and I were amazed, to say the least. The u/s was so clear and you could see so much of what they looked like. We got a great front shot of Baby A, but since Baby B was facing backwards we got a back shot of him/her, including a cute little tooshie/keister (technical term: rump) shot. We also got a side pic of both of them facing each other. Wow! I was truly amazed and had tears streaming down my face, as usual:)

The u/s tech said that everything looked normal, their brains looked good, their stomachs looked good and it looked like they were swallowing properly, their bone structure looked good. We opted not to do the NT scan today. DH and I didn't want the worry since I am already a huge worry wart. We have the thought process of "come what may be". We didn't do any testing with L either and he is a perfectly healthy little boy. We are hoping for the same with his siblings.

Next appt is August 18, one day after my 32nd bday.

Back From Vacation

2009-07-27T06:57:00.000-05:00

We returned home yesterday from a wonderful 10 day vacation. We went with a group of people and drove with our campers and motor homes 7 hours to Milwaukee to visit the sites. We stayed at a campground that had a water park and pool, miniature golf, jumping pillow and tons of activities for the kids. We also went to the Jel.ly Bel.ly Jel.ly Be.an Factory Tour where we ate way too many jelly beans. Did you know that Jel.ly Bel.ly makes jelly beans flavored to taste like pencil shavings, baby wipes, vomit and ear wax. Disgusting! No one in our group was brave enough to try them, that is for sure.

After staying in Milwaukee for several days we headed to southern Minnesota to a really nice campground that had a spring-fed swimming pool. There wasn't that much to do there so we mostly hung out at our campsites and did activities with our group. At any rate, it was just nice to get away and to spend time with DH and L. My mom and dad also went and we brought along my nieces too.

The exciting news from last week is that I started to feel the babies moving around in my belly. Sometimes it feels like little fluttering butterflies in my belly and other times I feel a slight tap of them hitting or kicking me. One of them likes to be just to the right of my belly button. The other one likes to be to the left of my belly button and down an inch or two. The movements haven't been real consistent, but every time I told DH that I had not felt the babies move in a while they would move, as if on cue.

I took my last heparin shot on Saturday and I still felt movement yesterday so I am relieved about that. I think I have only felt one of them moving today, but it is still really early in the day. I will be obsessing nervously all day today on my belly and what I am feeling to make sure they are still alive and kicking in there. I have a viability u/s tomorrow morning to confirm that they are doing okay after going off of the heparin.

Did I ever mention that Peace of Mind is priceless?

Surprise u/s and First Kick?

2009-07-16T14:59:00.001-05:00

Today I went in for a doppler of the babies heartbeats. To our surprise (and irritation) our regular OB was running behind, way behind. After 35 minutes of sitting in the waiting room, DH went up to ask to receptionist how much longer it would be. She told us about another 30 minutes. Ugh! We had L with us and DH came from work to meet us so he could hear their little heartbeats again. so it was not an ideal day for us to be sitting there for as long as we were (although L was so patient and such a good boy that we took him to McDonald's after our appt, which is a huge treat at our house).

The receptionist asked us if we would be OK with having a CNP do the doppler since she had an opening. We gladly accepted and went back into the patient room to wait for her....for another 20 minutes. I left the room to use the bathroom and on the way back to the room I saw a CMA that coincidentally used to work at my REs office and just started working at my OBs office. She said, "How are you doing?". I replied, "Horrible, we have been here for an hour and have not been seen yet." She said she would check on it. About 5-10 minutes later she came back with another OB and asked if it would be OK if we saw her instead. We gladly accepted again.

The OB came in and started to do the doppler and then decided to give us an u/s instead. She said that she wouldn't feel comfortable just listening to the doppler after the cramping I have been having this week. We went into the u/s room and saw our two perfect little babies in there moving all around with nice little heartbeats. DH was holding L and showing him the babies on the screen. L thought that was pretty cool!

As she was doing the u/s, the OB asked me, "Did you just feel that? The baby just hit you really hard." I told her that I did not feel it, but yesterday I swore that I felt a kick and showed her where on my belly. She told me that it very possibly was a kick because they were moving so much and so active. She also looked at where I pointed on my belly with the u/s machine and said that is where the top of my uterus was.

Ahh, another sigh of relief! Now I get to start weaning off the heparin, which I am super nervous about. We go in for another viability u/s on July 28. In the meantime, I will be on vacation and not around much online.

Bad Cramping (tmi post)

2009-07-14T13:43:00.001-05:00

Last night at about 10:00 I started having really bad cramping. It felt like someone was ripping out my belly. I thought that maybe I had to have a BM so I went into the bathroom. As I was sitting there I had a total of 6-7 more bad cramps. I was having difficulty breathing and having to breathe like I was in labor to keep from passing out because of the intense pain.

After they settled down I decided to go to bed and see what the morning brought. I wanted to make sure that I was not bleeding and I didn't want to over-react and call my OB. This morning when I woke up I was feeling much better, but still had a little pain in my lower belly.

I called DH at work and was talking to him about it. We were saying that ever since I have been pregnant I have to have a BM every day, which is so not like me. Every morning I start with a mild belly ache and by the time I make it to the bathroom I am having such horrible pain that I can barely breathe, much like last night. However, as soon as I "go" my belly ache is over and I resume my normal activities for the day. This is how I felt last night, but I never "went"; I just had a series of intensely bad cramps.

I called my OB this morning and talked to the nurse and she asked if I wanted her to make an appt for me. I did have her make an appt, but then later canceled it. Here's the deal: I really do think it was cramping from needing to have a BM (now remember, I am "going" every morning and sometimes 2x/day so I am not constipated). As the day has gone on today I feel a bit queasy and my belly is a bit unsettled. I have had three BMs today and apparently need to "go" every time I am done eating anything.

I called back my OB and was able to talk to another OB there. She asked me all of the appropriate questions, "are you bleeding?, "do you feel like you could have a bladder infection?", etc. I told her that I probably over-reacted by even calling in this morning and explained that it took us three years to get pregnant and I tend to be a worry-wart. I explained that I was going on vacation on Friday so I was nervous that something bad was going to happen while I am on vacation. I asked if I could cancel todays appt and instead go in on Thursday just for a doppler to hear their heartbeats and make sure that they are OK before we go out of town. She replied, "of course!".

We have an appt for 11:20 on Thursday with my regular OB. Peace of Mind is priceless!

Three Years Ago Today...

2009-07-08T10:41:00.000-05:00

...we decided to start trying to conceive another child. I was so ignorant (and blissful) then. Since L was conceived so easily (...I'll pause while you lean over the basket under your desk and throw up a little), I thought for surely we would have the same experience getting pregnant again. I thought that at the very latest we would be pregnant by Christmas. Little did I know the journey that DH and I were about to begin...

It was a Saturday and we had been talking off and on for a couple of months about when we would begin to TTC #2. We were driving over to my now ex-BFFs house to drop L off so that we could go out that night to celebrate my SILs 30th bday. This was Ls first sleep over at their house and he was just over 18 months old. When we got to my now ex-BFFs house we stayed and chatted with her and her DH (whom my DH went to high school with and thus how I met my now ex-BFF). The guys went outside for a moment and she was cooking dinner for her family and L. All of the sudden I turned to her and asked, "are you pregnant?". I have no idea what made me ask her that. I knew that she was going to start TTC #2 in August or September, but somehow I just had a feeling that she was already expecting. She got a huge grin on her face and said, "Umm, yes. How did you know?"

When we got into the car to go out that night DH and I started talking about TTC again. I did not tell him that my now ex-BFF was pregnant (she made me swear not to tell him because it was so early and her DH wanted to tell my DH). DH and I decided on the car ride that it was time for us to start TTC #2. In my mind I thought how fitting that was. My now ex-BFF and I were pregnant together with our first children (which we did not plan together) and how fun it would be to pregnant together again.

When her son was born the following March, I was devastated. Besides a really early chemical pregnancy back in September, we still were not pregnant. I decided to make an appt with an RE. And, as they say, the rest is history...or at least written on the side bar of my blog home page.

This past weekend on our way up to my sisters cabin for the 4th of July DH and I started talking about our IF. Two years ago on this same weekend we were heading up to my sisters cabin and we decided to stop at a camper dealership on the way. My parents had begun motor homing and after going camping with them for a few weekends we decided that we wanted to buy our own camper. When we were walking around the lot with the salesman he looked at our family and asked us if we had any more children. All I could do is turn away from him and wipe my tears. Just one hour before that we had gotten a BFN on our first IUI. We had already been TTC #2 for one year.

As we drove by that dealership last week I started to cry because I was remembering all we have been through to get to where we are today. We have lost so much, but we have also gained so much more than we have lost. I am no longer friends with my now ex-BFF for many reasons, but the icing on the cake was our IF, that she couldn't understand and couldn't support me on my darkest days while going through IF; she couldn't do what a best friend should be able to do.

As I sit here pregnant with twins, I am happy. Not only because I am finally pregnant, but because of who I am after going through such a horrible time in my life. I wish, hope and pray every day that these babies make it into the world safely and healthy. I have fears about the rest of my pregnant that I try to push aside. My DH told me a couple of weeks ago in his silly way, "yeah, in the past when I have worried about something it really hasn't helped me at all". And he's right. I am trying to enjoy every moment of having these babies in my belly...after all it only took me three years to get pregnant.

I also have tears in my eyes as I sit here and type this. For all of my IF sisters. I so want for them what they want for themselves. I can't even adequately explain/type the strong feelings and utmost respect I have for these women. Wow! No matter how happy I am for myself and the situation I am currently in, I will never forget what I went through to be sitting here today. How do you really forget these people with whom I've bonded, laughed with, cried with and just been there with through it all?

First OB Appointment

2009-07-07T19:43:00.000-05:00

Today we had our first OB appointment. Woohoo! I have been to my OB three other times in the last three years, but it was never as exciting as today was. I have to start off by saying that my OB is just fabulous. She is so kind, compassionate, reassuring and professional. DH really likes her too and he was able to ask his questions and participate in the appointment as well.

She did a check of my cervix and overall body assessment and all looked good. We had a lot of questions and she answered them so patiently. We discussed my labor with L and how my c-section was decided upon (for those that don't know, here is the shortened story: my water broke at 6:00 on a Monday night. I was admitted to the hospital, but was not having any contractions. On Tuesday morning they started me on pitocin (sp?)and I was finally dilated to 10 just before midnight. I pushed for 3+ hours and L did not move one centimeter. The specialist and my doctor came in and examined me and asked if I wanted a c-section. I gladly accepted their offer and L was born at 6:28am on that Wednesday morning). My OB said that she was comfortable with me having another c-section, but this time having it planned so that I don't have to go through all of that again. I almost got up and hugged her:) She said that with twins they like to see you go to 39 weeks before they schedule a c-section, but she usually likes to do them at 38 weeks because the patient (mom) is so uncomfortable by that point that she hates to make them wait any longer.

We also discussed when I should go off of heparin. My RE put me on it to help me get pregnant. I have never been tested for any blood clotting disorders, but after going through so many cycles he decided to "throw the book at me" and he added it into my protocol on my 3rd or 4th IVF cycle. So, when I hit 12 weeks, she wants me to reduce to one heparin shot/day for several days and then eliminate the baby aspirin several days later (my RE puts all of his patients on this). My gut tells me that I don't need to be on the heparin, but I am still scared that I will lose these babies after I go off of it. Just for peace of mind she scheduled me for an u/s on July 28 to check for cardiac activity/viability after going off of both the heparin and baby aspirin. We will possibly do our NT scan on July 28 as well. We are still undecided on whether or not to do the scan.

At the end of our appointment she got out the doppler to find the heartbeats. As she was moving around my belly I started getting nervous that she wouldn't find them. She found the first one almost right away and it took her a couple of minutes to find the second one. Since DH and I had only seen their heartbeats on the three u/s we had at our RE office, we were delighted to actually hear them today. I got all teary-eyed and DH just stood there with a grin on his face. Amazing! I don't think I will ever tire of hearing my children's heartbeats. Every night before I go to bed I check on L sleeping in his own room. When I walk into his room I always put my hand on the side of his belly just to feel him breathing in and out and then I kiss his cheek or eyelid goodnight.

Next u/s: July 28
Next OB appt: August 18
In-between appts: trying not to panic and just enjoy being pregnant

We are continuing to hope, pray and wish that we will have two healthy babies come January 2010!