Lettuce Love One Another (updated)

**WARNING- Sappy post ahead!**

The biggest thing I am the most grateful for in my life are my two guys. They bring joy to my life beyond measure, they make me laugh when I am sad, they make me sad when they are sad or having a bad day and they have the ability to pull me out of my darkest days. I love them in so many ways.


Orange picking in Arizona- January 2009

To my DH- You bring so much joy and happiness to my life. I love the way you come home with a smile on your face and give me a kiss. I love your sense of humor that can make me burst into laughter at any given moment. I love the way you are so gentle, compassionate and forgiving with me and with others. I love the way you work so hard to be a success because you know that this will make our life better. I love the way you clean bathrooms and vacuum. I love that you stick to grilling and let me do the rest of the cooking. I love that you do whatever you can to make me happy...and I am, more than you'll ever know.


4th of July- 2008


To my dear son, L- I am so grateful to have you, beyond measure. I love that you wake up in the morning with a big smile on your face. I love watching you sleep peacefully and knowing that you are an Angel, my Angel. I love how you are so polite, always saying please and thank-you. I love that you listen to me and rarely have temper-tantrums. I love that instead of calling me a "girl", you call me a "princess" (after hearing Daddy call me this). I love that you and I are always laughing and joking around. I love your "belly-laugh" when I tickle you.

I love you both so much and am so glad that I have "Lettuce" in my garden.

Sea World, Orlando- January 2008

Planting My Garden

I took my first Lupron shot this morning and will be taking my first dex.amethasone pill tonight in addition to my BCP, prenatal vitamin and baby aspirin. That makes one shot and four pills each day for now.

In an effort to have enthusiasm and excitement for this cycle I am planting a garden. I will also be including some things that I am grateful for on my blog over the next month or so while I cycle. That way, when my cycle is complete and I am in the 2ww and doubting everything I will have something positive to look back at to reassure me that our IF is not our whole life, just a part of it.

PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce love one another

ADD IN A LITTLE THYME
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends

Ahhh, Contentment

**WARNING: Kids mentioned a lot in this post**

We had the best time last night. My friend, L, asked me to watch her kids overnight for the first time. She has a son who is 9 days younger than L and a daughter who is 19 months. The boys played so well together, as they usually do. They were running like crazies around my house, but they weren't being naughty or "rough-housing", they were just having some really good four-year-old fun. Her daughter is the sweetest little thing. She doesn't talk much yet but she is SO full of smiles. Everything was sailing along and then it was bedtime.

When I went to put her daughter to sleep we read a couple of board books and then I layed her down. She cried for a little while and then I went up to reassure her that I was still here and that she was okay. She calmed down and I layed her down again. As soon as I started to leave the room, she began crying again. I went over to the crib and started to rub her back and she immediately settled down. I continued to rub her back until she fell asleep about 10 minutes later. As I was rubbing, I began to cry. It SO reminded me why I am going through all of our IF struggles to have another child. It was a good cry though. One of complete contentment. I want a screaming baby to soothe at night. I want a crying baby to kiss away their tears and owies. I want a cutie pie baby to snuggle with and give me smiles. I just want it, all of it. I know that if we make it to the IF "finish line" that our struggles will be well worth the wait and the work of the journey we have traveled.

Today I was thinking about how cute my friends kids are. I was thinking that if someone said to me today, "You have to take these kids today and treat them as your own", I would. It doesn't matter that they are not biologically my children. I would want them. And so the discussion of Donor Egg ensued with DH. I told him that I think I would be okay with doing this if my eggs turn out to be complete crap, i.e., chromosomally abnormal. I asked him to just tuck this thought away in the back of his head and think about it and figure out if he would be okay with it as well. To which he replied, "I would be okay with it. Totally." I got tears in my eyes. I don't know if I was surprised that he would be fine with DE or just that he didn't need to think about it at all. Either way, I am so grateful to have such a flexible, awesome DH. He went on to say, "I just want to move on with the next step of our life and get past our infertility". I whole-heartedly agree!

Some of you reading this that have never heard of DE and may be surprised by such an "alternative" way to completing our family. It's funny because someone wrote somewhere along the way that if the next option doesn't seem so scary (DE, DS, adoption, CF living, etc) it means you are ready to move on. This is so true! A year ago I never would have considered DE. Today, it isn't so scary. I have also heard that using DE is like adopting at the earliest stages of life. This makes tons of sense to me. If DH and I decided to adopt, we would face long wait times and more uncertainty. If we find out my eggs are crap and we can't have our own biological child, why not "adopt" at the earliest stages of life? That way I would get to carry another pregnancy while bonding with this child and give birth to my own child again. I guess, for us, it just sounds like a better option.

We'll see what our next cycle brings, but just knowing that this could be an option for us does indeed give me renewed *hope* that I will be able to complete my family.

Pharmacy, Microarray/CGH, and Three Embryos

I picked up my two big boxes of meds for IVF #5 yesterday. I spent about 30 minutes last night confirming the order and organizing them last night. We have a built-in storage unit/dresser in our master bathroom and everything is neatly lined up on top of it. I am hoping to take a picture and put it on my blog, but L accidentally dropped my camera last week and we need to go tomorrow to see if it can be fixed or if I should get a new one. I didn't really like my camera anyways, so I am hoping that I need a new one. Anyways, I digress. So, DH came up last night and looked at all of our meds and said, "Jeez. It looks like a regular pharmacy in here." I don't think that either one of us quite remembered how many meds are involved, nor are we looking forward to pumping my body full of them again, since we did our last fresh IVF cycle in August.

My friend, Niki, from http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/2009/04/todays-appointment.html, wrote on her blog yesterday that our RE is participating in a study to do Mocroarry/CGH*. I called and left a message for my nurse at my local clinic to see if I could participate in this study. Even though right now it looks like they are only biopsying the embryos to collect data (vs. biopsying them in order to select which embryos to transfer), DH and I decided that we want that data! It would be nice to know if we are creating any chromosomally normal embryos before we haul our asses out to CCRM to find out. I left a message for my nurse to call me back so that I can find out more info about the study they are conducting. This would potentially provide us with answers we so desperately need.

I also received the consent form from my clinic to allow me to transfer three embryos. Since this is differing from the SART guidelines, they need my signature to okay it.

Things are coming together for this cycle, but I can honestly say, I'm still not excited. After we have gone through so many failed cycles, really, how do you even get excited?


*Microarray and CGH provide essentially the same information, but are two different procedures to determine if embryos are chromosomally normal or not. Dr. School.craft did a great explanation of how both of these procedures are performed, but I won't attempt to:)

IF Humor

On Sunday we went to a birthday party for my niece. It was at a hotel so that the kids could go swimming and there was a really nice party room attached to the pool area. My sister and BIL usually have a New Year's Eve party at their house. But after going to this hotel they thought that it would be a good place to have the New Year's party for a change. So, my sis emailed us yesterday and asked what we thought of having the New Year's party at the hotel this year and renting rooms overnight. I told her that we were in.

Last night DH and I were talking about it and he said, "What are all of the kids going to do when it is time to go to bed if we are all in the party room?" I explained that all of the kids, except L, are old enough to stay up until midnight. Then I said, "ha ha ha, maybe I will be pregnant and I will be sooo tired and I will want to go to bed before midnight so I can take L to bed with me. ha ha ha". He said, "Yes, maybe. That would be nice." I looked at him and said, "If you believe that good for you because I don't".

It's weird because I have *hope* (my best friend and worst enemy all on the same day) that one of these cycles will work, but I don't *believe* that they will. Does this make any sense?

In other news, my meds are being delivered on Thursday. And I start Lu.pron on 4/7, NOT 4/17 as I stated in my previous post.

I have also lost 14.5 pounds and I am SUPER excited about that!!

Free Meds!

I received my calendar today for IVF #3 (#5, including FETs). We are looking at an estimated ER of May 6! I start Lupron on 4/17, stims and ganirelix on 4/24 and a host of other meds on various days. We are doing the Sher protocol, but starting the antagon on the day 1 start stims, rather than on CD 6-8.

I received a phone call from the two pharmacies that my meds are ordered through today also. I ordered my stims, but need to wait to order my other meds since I have a HUGE drawer of leftover meds from previous cycles that I need to inventory so I am not paying for excess meds that I may not use. I was price checking the Endometrin suppositories at both pharmacies and one pharmacy would not give me the price- they told me that I needed to contact the clinic to get the price.

So, I called the clinic and talked to the Business Manager to find out the price. When he came on the phone he remembered who I was (which is surprising since I haven't spoken to him since March 2008). I explained that I was looking for a price on the Endometrin. He told me that it is $105/week but that he has a stash of meds and he would love to give me them FREE! I will pick them up on April 16, when I go in for my baseline u/s. He also told me that he hopes that this works for us this time. After expressing my surprise that he knew who I was he explained that they sometimes have difficult patients and when they get a really nice patient everyone talks about how much they are pulling for them. Awww, how sweet!

Insurance Rant

Today I was looking over my bills from CCRM and trying to figure out what needs to be submitted to my insurance company for reimbursement. In further looking and after calling my insurance company to confirm, my insurance company did not and will not pay for anything we had done at CCRM. Not even the hysteroscopy or u/s. I am not completely surprised, just p*ssed.

The insurance company helps to pay for those who are alcoholics and need to go to treatment and for those who are trying to quit smoking, which are lifestyle choices (term used by the insurance company). I did not choose infertility...it chose me. Aren't I the lucky one?

So, while we paid over $30,000 in out of pocket expenses last year to bring a baby into our loving home, people went to AA and quit smoking and didn't pay a dime. Now, before everyone gets upset, I am NOT saying that the insurance company shouldn't pay for AA and smoking cessation. What I am saying is that in addition to covering medical treatment for lifestyle choices, IF treatments should also be covered by ALL insurance companies under EVERY plan.

On a happier note: I should be getting my official cycle calendar later today or tomorrow. We had some conflicts with the dates that we were trying to figure out so it has taken a couple of days to figure out. Woohoo!