Open Wounds

It is always at this time of year that I begin to evaluate my life and the year I have had. This time of year we not only celebrate the holidays, but the births of my three boys. It is impossible to not feel the thankfulness of these three gifts at such a humble, joyful and giving time of year.

Last night, by chance, I came across "Giu.li.ana and Bi.ll". I have always been a fan of Bill since his "App.ren.tice" days and the one other time I saw this show I loved how this couple interacted together. The episode that I watched was her final IVF cycle where, at the end, she found out that she was not pregnant. Through the show they showed them going in for their transfer, with parents in tow for well-wishes and good luck, Giu.li.ana on bed rest after the transfer, them eating a romantic dinner with so many positive thoughts and hopes for this cycle and the phone call from their RE with the BFN news.

As I was watching this show, I got choked up several times. It is so hard to go back and see these emotions and feel all of the same emotions come surfacing to the top. My DH also was having some emotions surface and kept making comments like, "they are so naive", "they have no clue what is about to hit them". Not in a mean-spirited way about them, but rather reflections from our IF journey.

It was hard to shake the heavy heart and tears as the show closed with Bill giving Giu.li.ana a pep talk while she was reading a letter from a fan and trying to hold back her tears. After the show was done I felt such profound loss. Loss for them and their journey, and remembering our losses. It was like the scars from our IF journey came ripping open and I couldn't stop.

In that moment I realized that no matter that my family is now complete, I still have, and always will have, those IF wounds. Sure, having the Little Monkeys has helped (and, of course, I am so thankful to have them), but my journey is still a part of me, and my DH. It is shaped who we are today and I don't think that even though we have had success that would could ever forget where we have come from to where we are today.

It is with a heavy heart, that I extend to my fellow IFers a wish for peace, healing and joy this holiday season. Whether you have your baby in your arms, your baby in your hearts or your baby waiting to come home to you I am still "all in" this together, with you, rooting you on and wishing only the best for you.