Monday, April 12, 2010

Infertility Hangover

So, I have been internalizing some thoughts lately and I need to get them out. I need to write them out and hopefully make sense of all that is going on my head.

This post is meant to represent a small piece of my life and one that comes to me in short spurts of thought. I don't sit around all day thinking about this, but it does cross my mind often enough where I need to get it out.

When I found out I was pregnant with Caden and Colton I was over-joyed. And I continued to feel that way throughout my pregnancy. I was so thankful that I had finally achieved what I was waiting for for so many years. But my pregnancy was also fraught with a lot of fears. Fears that I wouldn't carry the boys to term, that they would come too soon, that they would be born not "normal", and the list goes on of so many other things that could happen.

It was also difficult to cross over to the other side. Even though I wasn't yet holding my boys in my arms, I gradually, as each day passed and I got closer to holding my boys in my arms, crossed over to the other side. The success side of infertility. The side I had wanted to be on for so many months, years. And, of course, after my boys were placed lovingly into my arms, I became a mom again. Something I had been wanting to do for five years, since I held Logan in my arms.

The transition on the outside has been quite seamless. I have embraced being a mommy again like no other. Each day I look at all of my boys and am so SO so thankful that each of them are here filling our home with sounds that bring a joy to my heart that can not be explained. I feel like they have been here always. That they came into our lives just when they were supposed to and that we got the babies we were meant to have. I can see this about Logan too. He has adjusted so well to having two new little brothers in our home, as if they have always been here. Quite seamless from the outside.

But how do you make the transition from one life to the next? For three years I went to numerous doctors appointments, took too many medications and shots to count and lived my life in an underlying sadness for what I didn't have. Infertility was my life for three years. The life that I didn't choose to live, but the one that I chose to pursue.

I find myself missing that life in an odd kind of way (not that I want it back). When I drive to my parents house I always think about my drive to the clinic for our treatments (my clinic is five minutes beyond my parents house). I think about the nurses, our doctor and the treatments, my life for three years. I think about all of the girls whom I have met who have gone through infertility or who are still going through infertility. What an amazing support team!

I guess I said all of this to say this: I love my new life. The one filled with three beautiful little boys who bring so much joy to my life. As each day passes I think about our infertile life and miss it just a bit. Because for all of the bad things that happened the three years it took me to get Caden and Colton, there were also so many good things that happened. It helped shaped how my life is today. But at the same time, I feel like I am still trying to wake up from a hangover. A hangover that lasted for three years.


Niki said...

Kris, I completely understand what you mean! It's an odd/difficult place to be, parenthood after infertility, and it's even more difficult to describe it. I too feel that I strangely miss the treatments and trips to the clinic. I think it's because we just get so used to it ... it becomes our life and then suddenly our life changes drastically. I don't miss the up and down emotions of it all, but I do miss the predictability of the montly treatments (who knew?!). Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I completely get where you are coming from and what you are trying to say.

BTW ... I can't wait to see you this weekend! :)

lastchanceivf said...

Very interesting post.

Even though I was in treatment on and off for four years of my life I do not miss it. Not even one little bit of it. Maybe it has to do with being successful or not--I don't know--since your other commenter who had success also misses it. I was getting so tired of the focus being on me and my problems and being poked and prodded and it all felt so invasive and the repeated disappointments are just something I can't continue to do. We're at the place of: still infertile after infertility treatment and while I wouldn't trade some of the people I've met, I could do without all of the treatment, LOL.

So yeah, very interesting that you miss it--but maybe it's because all of those things did, in fact, lead to such a wonderful outcome for you!

HS @ Our Debt Blog said...

We've been trying to have our first baby with no luck... I'm actually tired of it now. Glad you had yours :) when you wake up in the morning tell yourself how lucky you are!!


Allison said...

Its weird how even when you hate that something is part of your life, you miss it when its gone- Thinking of you!~

Thank you for always following along and leaving comments to let me know that SOMEONE is out there reading and rooting for me :)