Thursday, July 30, 2009

Terrified of Two

[Side note: I will be posting u/s pics soon. I am a bit technologically challenged so my DH and I are going to sit down soon to figure out my scanner and my new camera soon.]

I have always wanted twins. Not just since I started going to IF, but since forever I have wanted twins. When I pregnant with L I would ask my doctor every time we went in for an appt if she was sure there was only one baby in my belly. Even when I had a 36 week u/s to make sure that my anterior placenta had moved away from my cervix, I asked the u/s technician to confirm that there were not two babies in my belly. You see, twins run in my family and in my DHs family so I thought for sure that I was destined to have twins of my own.

Now that I am pregnant with twins, I am a bit terrified (ok terrified is a strong word, but maybe a little worried) of having them. I am a huge worry wart so my first worry is that they will be born far too soon and that my body won't be able to handle both babies. L was 9lb 4.2oz when he was born so I know my body can handle the "weight" and I had a completely uncomplicated pregnancy with him, but I know that so much more can go wrong with two babies.

I am also worried that both of the babies will be "cry babies". L was such a good baby from the get-go. He was really mild tempered,unless he was hungry (although who could blame him since he was so well-nourished when he was born), and not colicky at all (despite have severe acid reflux). He has always been such a good boy, really, and I'm not just saying that because I am his Mom. I am worried that his siblings we be more shall we say "difficult" since I had such an easy baby the first time around.

I am worried about taking three children out for play dates by myself and that they will all need me at the same time and I won't be able to help all of them simultaneously. I am worried that I will be so sleep-deprived that I won't be doing a good job of being a Mom. I am worried that when the babies become toddlers that they will both be running in different directions and I will have to choose which one to go after.

I know I should not be comparing L to his siblings and this is something that I am going to try really hard not to do as I go along in the pregnancy and when the babies arrive. Every one, no matter how big or small, is different.

As I was discussing my worries with my DH two nights ago he was, and always is, the voice of reason: "we will be fine', "I will be home with you in the winter so there will be two of us here to help us get adjusted", "I can go without a lot of sleep so if you are tired you don't have to get up with the babies", "you are a great Mom already and you will with these babies as well", "we were worried about adjusting to life with L and everything turned out fine, and we will do the same with these babies". Ah, the voice of reason is like music to my ears.

And, no matter how worried I am, I am ecstatic, joyful, and excited too. I told DH that I still feel like I am in shock because we are not only having a baby, we are having two babies. I can't believe I am this lucky to be sitting here with two babies in my belly. How can I possibly deserve this much happiness?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Viability Ultrasound

We had our viability u/s this morning after weaning off of the heparin shots. I was nervous as usual and asked the u/s tech if she would find their little heartbeats first before looking at anything else. She found both of them right away and both babies were positioned where I have been feeling their little kicks.

Baby A was laying face up and on my lower left side. Baby B was laying face down/back (facing my back) on my right side a bit higher up. Here are their stats:

Baby A: measured 13w6d, h/b 148
Baby B: measured 13w6d, h/b 159
I am currently 13w4d

We got a lot of really good pictures of each of them today. I have never had a 3D u/s before and DH and I were amazed, to say the least. The u/s was so clear and you could see so much of what they looked like. We got a great front shot of Baby A, but since Baby B was facing backwards we got a back shot of him/her, including a cute little tooshie/keister (technical term: rump) shot. We also got a side pic of both of them facing each other. Wow! I was truly amazed and had tears streaming down my face, as usual:)

The u/s tech said that everything looked normal, their brains looked good, their stomachs looked good and it looked like they were swallowing properly, their bone structure looked good. We opted not to do the NT scan today. DH and I didn't want the worry since I am already a huge worry wart. We have the thought process of "come what may be". We didn't do any testing with L either and he is a perfectly healthy little boy. We are hoping for the same with his siblings.

Next appt is August 18, one day after my 32nd bday.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Back From Vacation

We returned home yesterday from a wonderful 10 day vacation. We went with a group of people and drove with our campers and motor homes 7 hours to Milwaukee to visit the sites. We stayed at a campground that had a water park and pool, miniature golf, jumping pillow and tons of activities for the kids. We also went to the Factory Tour where we ate way too many jelly beans. Did you know that makes jelly beans flavored to taste like pencil shavings, baby wipes, vomit and ear wax. Disgusting! No one in our group was brave enough to try them, that is for sure.

After staying in Milwaukee for several days we headed to southern Minnesota to a really nice campground that had a spring-fed swimming pool. There wasn't that much to do there so we mostly hung out at our campsites and did activities with our group. At any rate, it was just nice to get away and to spend time with DH and L. My mom and dad also went and we brought along my nieces too.

The exciting news from last week is that I started to feel the babies moving around in my belly. Sometimes it feels like little fluttering butterflies in my belly and other times I feel a slight tap of them hitting or kicking me. One of them likes to be just to the right of my belly button. The other one likes to be to the left of my belly button and down an inch or two. The movements haven't been real consistent, but every time I told DH that I had not felt the babies move in a while they would move, as if on cue.

I took my last heparin shot on Saturday and I still felt movement yesterday so I am relieved about that. I think I have only felt one of them moving today, but it is still really early in the day. I will be obsessing nervously all day today on my belly and what I am feeling to make sure they are still alive and kicking in there. I have a viability u/s tomorrow morning to confirm that they are doing okay after going off of the heparin.

Did I ever mention that Peace of Mind is priceless?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Surprise u/s and First Kick?

Today I went in for a doppler of the babies heartbeats. To our surprise (and irritation) our regular OB was running behind, way behind. After 35 minutes of sitting in the waiting room, DH went up to ask to receptionist how much longer it would be. She told us about another 30 minutes. Ugh! We had L with us and DH came from work to meet us so he could hear their little heartbeats again. so it was not an ideal day for us to be sitting there for as long as we were (although L was so patient and such a good boy that we took him to McDonald's after our appt, which is a huge treat at our house).

The receptionist asked us if we would be OK with having a CNP do the doppler since she had an opening. We gladly accepted and went back into the patient room to wait for her....for another 20 minutes. I left the room to use the bathroom and on the way back to the room I saw a CMA that coincidentally used to work at my REs office and just started working at my OBs office. She said, "How are you doing?". I replied, "Horrible, we have been here for an hour and have not been seen yet." She said she would check on it. About 5-10 minutes later she came back with another OB and asked if it would be OK if we saw her instead. We gladly accepted again.

The OB came in and started to do the doppler and then decided to give us an u/s instead. She said that she wouldn't feel comfortable just listening to the doppler after the cramping I have been having this week. We went into the u/s room and saw our two perfect little babies in there moving all around with nice little heartbeats. DH was holding L and showing him the babies on the screen. L thought that was pretty cool!

As she was doing the u/s, the OB asked me, "Did you just feel that? The baby just hit you really hard." I told her that I did not feel it, but yesterday I swore that I felt a kick and showed her where on my belly. She told me that it very possibly was a kick because they were moving so much and so active. She also looked at where I pointed on my belly with the u/s machine and said that is where the top of my uterus was.

Ahh, another sigh of relief! Now I get to start weaning off the heparin, which I am super nervous about. We go in for another viability u/s on July 28. In the meantime, I will be on vacation and not around much online.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Bad Cramping (tmi post)

Last night at about 10:00 I started having really bad cramping. It felt like someone was ripping out my belly. I thought that maybe I had to have a BM so I went into the bathroom. As I was sitting there I had a total of 6-7 more bad cramps. I was having difficulty breathing and having to breathe like I was in labor to keep from passing out because of the intense pain.

After they settled down I decided to go to bed and see what the morning brought. I wanted to make sure that I was not bleeding and I didn't want to over-react and call my OB. This morning when I woke up I was feeling much better, but still had a little pain in my lower belly.

I called DH at work and was talking to him about it. We were saying that ever since I have been pregnant I have to have a BM every day, which is so not like me. Every morning I start with a mild belly ache and by the time I make it to the bathroom I am having such horrible pain that I can barely breathe, much like last night. However, as soon as I "go" my belly ache is over and I resume my normal activities for the day. This is how I felt last night, but I never "went"; I just had a series of intensely bad cramps.

I called my OB this morning and talked to the nurse and she asked if I wanted her to make an appt for me. I did have her make an appt, but then later canceled it. Here's the deal: I really do think it was cramping from needing to have a BM (now remember, I am "going" every morning and sometimes 2x/day so I am not constipated). As the day has gone on today I feel a bit queasy and my belly is a bit unsettled. I have had three BMs today and apparently need to "go" every time I am done eating anything.

I called back my OB and was able to talk to another OB there. She asked me all of the appropriate questions, "are you bleeding?, "do you feel like you could have a bladder infection?", etc. I told her that I probably over-reacted by even calling in this morning and explained that it took us three years to get pregnant and I tend to be a worry-wart. I explained that I was going on vacation on Friday so I was nervous that something bad was going to happen while I am on vacation. I asked if I could cancel todays appt and instead go in on Thursday just for a doppler to hear their heartbeats and make sure that they are OK before we go out of town. She replied, "of course!".

We have an appt for 11:20 on Thursday with my regular OB. Peace of Mind is priceless!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Three Years Ago Today...

...we decided to start trying to conceive another child. I was so ignorant (and blissful) then. Since L was conceived so easily (...I'll pause while you lean over the basket under your desk and throw up a little), I thought for surely we would have the same experience getting pregnant again. I thought that at the very latest we would be pregnant by Christmas. Little did I know the journey that DH and I were about to begin...

It was a Saturday and we had been talking off and on for a couple of months about when we would begin to TTC #2. We were driving over to my now ex-BFFs house to drop L off so that we could go out that night to celebrate my SILs 30th bday. This was Ls first sleep over at their house and he was just over 18 months old. When we got to my now ex-BFFs house we stayed and chatted with her and her DH (whom my DH went to high school with and thus how I met my now ex-BFF). The guys went outside for a moment and she was cooking dinner for her family and L. All of the sudden I turned to her and asked, "are you pregnant?". I have no idea what made me ask her that. I knew that she was going to start TTC #2 in August or September, but somehow I just had a feeling that she was already expecting. She got a huge grin on her face and said, "Umm, yes. How did you know?"

When we got into the car to go out that night DH and I started talking about TTC again. I did not tell him that my now ex-BFF was pregnant (she made me swear not to tell him because it was so early and her DH wanted to tell my DH). DH and I decided on the car ride that it was time for us to start TTC #2. In my mind I thought how fitting that was. My now ex-BFF and I were pregnant together with our first children (which we did not plan together) and how fun it would be to pregnant together again.

When her son was born the following March, I was devastated. Besides a really early chemical pregnancy back in September, we still were not pregnant. I decided to make an appt with an RE. And, as they say, the rest is history...or at least written on the side bar of my blog home page.

This past weekend on our way up to my sisters cabin for the 4th of July DH and I started talking about our IF. Two years ago on this same weekend we were heading up to my sisters cabin and we decided to stop at a camper dealership on the way. My parents had begun motor homing and after going camping with them for a few weekends we decided that we wanted to buy our own camper. When we were walking around the lot with the salesman he looked at our family and asked us if we had any more children. All I could do is turn away from him and wipe my tears. Just one hour before that we had gotten a BFN on our first IUI. We had already been TTC #2 for one year.

As we drove by that dealership last week I started to cry because I was remembering all we have been through to get to where we are today. We have lost so much, but we have also gained so much more than we have lost. I am no longer friends with my now ex-BFF for many reasons, but the icing on the cake was our IF, that she couldn't understand and couldn't support me on my darkest days while going through IF; she couldn't do what a best friend should be able to do.

As I sit here pregnant with twins, I am happy. Not only because I am finally pregnant, but because of who I am after going through such a horrible time in my life. I wish, hope and pray every day that these babies make it into the world safely and healthy. I have fears about the rest of my pregnant that I try to push aside. My DH told me a couple of weeks ago in his silly way, "yeah, in the past when I have worried about something it really hasn't helped me at all". And he's right. I am trying to enjoy every moment of having these babies in my belly...after all it only took me three years to get pregnant.

I also have tears in my eyes as I sit here and type this. For all of my IF sisters. I so want for them what they want for themselves. I can't even adequately explain/type the strong feelings and utmost respect I have for these women. Wow! No matter how happy I am for myself and the situation I am currently in, I will never forget what I went through to be sitting here today. How do you really forget these people with whom I've bonded, laughed with, cried with and just been there with through it all?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

First OB Appointment

Today we had our first OB appointment. Woohoo! I have been to my OB three other times in the last three years, but it was never as exciting as today was. I have to start off by saying that my OB is just fabulous. She is so kind, compassionate, reassuring and professional. DH really likes her too and he was able to ask his questions and participate in the appointment as well.

She did a check of my cervix and overall body assessment and all looked good. We had a lot of questions and she answered them so patiently. We discussed my labor with L and how my c-section was decided upon (for those that don't know, here is the shortened story: my water broke at 6:00 on a Monday night. I was admitted to the hospital, but was not having any contractions. On Tuesday morning they started me on pitocin (sp?)and I was finally dilated to 10 just before midnight. I pushed for 3+ hours and L did not move one centimeter. The specialist and my doctor came in and examined me and asked if I wanted a c-section. I gladly accepted their offer and L was born at 6:28am on that Wednesday morning). My OB said that she was comfortable with me having another c-section, but this time having it planned so that I don't have to go through all of that again. I almost got up and hugged her:) She said that with twins they like to see you go to 39 weeks before they schedule a c-section, but she usually likes to do them at 38 weeks because the patient (mom) is so uncomfortable by that point that she hates to make them wait any longer.

We also discussed when I should go off of heparin. My RE put me on it to help me get pregnant. I have never been tested for any blood clotting disorders, but after going through so many cycles he decided to "throw the book at me" and he added it into my protocol on my 3rd or 4th IVF cycle. So, when I hit 12 weeks, she wants me to reduce to one heparin shot/day for several days and then eliminate the baby aspirin several days later (my RE puts all of his patients on this). My gut tells me that I don't need to be on the heparin, but I am still scared that I will lose these babies after I go off of it. Just for peace of mind she scheduled me for an u/s on July 28 to check for cardiac activity/viability after going off of both the heparin and baby aspirin. We will possibly do our NT scan on July 28 as well. We are still undecided on whether or not to do the scan.

At the end of our appointment she got out the doppler to find the heartbeats. As she was moving around my belly I started getting nervous that she wouldn't find them. She found the first one almost right away and it took her a couple of minutes to find the second one. Since DH and I had only seen their heartbeats on the three u/s we had at our RE office, we were delighted to actually hear them today. I got all teary-eyed and DH just stood there with a grin on his face. Amazing! I don't think I will ever tire of hearing my children's heartbeats. Every night before I go to bed I check on L sleeping in his own room. When I walk into his room I always put my hand on the side of his belly just to feel him breathing in and out and then I kiss his cheek or eyelid goodnight.

Next u/s: July 28
Next OB appt: August 18
In-between appts: trying not to panic and just enjoy being pregnant

We are continuing to hope, pray and wish that we will have two healthy babies come January 2010!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Third Ultrasound

Before I begin talking about our third (and last) u/s with our RE, I want to touch base about the state of my blog. I have decided to keep my blog and for now I will be keeping the name the same. I thought about changing it to Found Another Angel, but I don't think I will completely relax until I am holding my babies in my arms. So, for now, everything remains the same:)

I had my third u/s on Thursday, July 2. I haven't updated until now because when we got home from the u/s we left right away to go out of town for the 4th of July and I did not have time to update.

When we got to the clinic I started to get nervous and anxious again. When the nurse called me back she explained that another nurse was going to be coming in with us because she is going to start doing CoP (Confirmation of Pregnancy) u/s in the future. I told her that was fine. I asked her if she could just find the heartbeats first and then she could do whatever she wanted.

As soon as dildo-cam was inserted she found the two flickering heartbeats right away. The first image we saw of our babies was them lying right next to each other. Except they were sitting with their feet by the others head (does that make sense?). They were both moving their arms, legs and heads like they were doing a happy dance or just waving and going crazy to say "hi" to DH and I. It was quite possibly the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life (well, except for all of the cute things that L has done:)).

Here are their measurements:

Baby A: measured 9w5d, heartbeat 158
Baby B: measured 10w0d, heartbeat 166

Baby A was more scrunched together (think head hanging toward your chest) and baby B was sitting more straight this time, so this affects their measurements. On the date of the u/s I was 9w6d so both babies are measuring right on. Their heartbeats are good and strong and they were moving like crazy.

When my RE came in he was all smiles and happy for us. He thanked us for sticking with him for all of those cycles. DH and I appreciated that he acknowledged that since he knew we had flown to CO to get a second opinion at CCRM.

We can't wait until January when we are holding our babies in our arms!

My first OB appt is tomorrow. Woohoo! I have officially graduated from my RE! Wow, I just never thought that this would happen, that we would be pregnant again. And with twins, nonetheless! :)