Monday, June 29, 2009

What Should I Do?

I have been a bad blogger lately. I haven't been posting near as much as I have in the past. I think I am still somewhat in disbelief that we are pregnant and, nonetheless, with twins. One moment I am laughing hysterically because I am so thankful that IVF #5 worked and that we are pregnant with twins. The next moment I am worrying about pre-term labor, preemies in the NICU and being put on bed rest.

I have also been extremely tired. In the afternoon when L goes down for his nap (when I have normally used this time to do computer stuff, ie; blog, IVFC, email, etc.) I have been hanging out on the couch and resting. I am thankful that I am just tired and not sick and nauseous all of the

I have also been reading a lot. I just finished "When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets and Quads" by Dr. Luke and I just started reading "Having Twins and More" by Elizabeth Noble. I have a couple more books that I plan on reading in the next couple of months as well.

I have been thinking a lot as well. About this blog and what to do with it. I love blogging and I LOVE my blogland friends....all of them. But mostly the ones still in the IF trenches. The ones whom I cheer on every day. I check their blogs religiously for new developments in their journeys and wish nothing but the best for them. Anyway, I digress. I don't know what to do with this blog. I want to continue to blog about my pregnancy and daily happenings, but I don't know if this is the place to do it. Will all of my blog friends appreciate that I would like to turn this blog from one of struggles with secondary IF to pregnancy? I know that because I am pregnant with twins that it does not mean I will have two healthy babies. I know I have a long ways to go until I get to the finish line of holding my babies in my arms. There is so much that can go wrong. (Just for the record, I am not being pessimistic, but rather a realist, which is a whole other blog post!)

And what about others who have gotten pregnant and have disappeared from blogland altogether? Yes, there have been a few. I was so angry that they decided not to blog anymore. After you get so involved and attached to them and their story and you want to cheer them on while they carry their babies and then...POOF! They're gone! I don't want to be one of those people, but I also don't want to be one that hangs around if no one wants me to either.

So, it's up to you, my dear blog friends. What should I do?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Second Ultrasound

We had our second u/s this morning with our RE. I was nervous this time, but certainly not as nervous as I was at our first u/s. When the nurse called us back to the u/s room she asked DH and I how we were doing. I replied, "good, I just want to see two heartbeats again". She said that things looked good at my last u/s so and that she was hoping the same thing.

When she inserted the dildo-cam she looked at both babies right away and said, "there's one heartbeat and there's the other". Ahhh, sigh of relief! So, here are their stats:

Baby A: measured 8w1d, heartbeat 174
Baby B: measured 8w1d, heartbeat 162

I am 8w3d today and she said that the correct measurements at this point are hard to get because their little heads are kind of hunched over (think hanging your head down towards your chest) and when they measure from crown to rump the u/s machine is not able to measure the curve of the way the babies are sitting. She said that everything looked great!

My RE came in and told me that I now have a 2% chance of miscarrying each baby with a chromosomal abnormality and I have a .4% of miscarrying both babies. He said that I should feel pretty safe at this point.

I told him that my first OB appt is scheduled for July 7. Since that is over two weeks away he offered to do another u/s next week for "peace of mind before the long 4th of July weekend". I gladly accepted his offer:) He also said that since we are pregnant with twins that he thought my OB would do u/s every 4 weeks. He said that I have a great OB with a great reputation and that I will be delivering at a good hospital.

I don't know when we will decide to start telling people that we are having twins. We have told people we are pregnant, but not with twins. It is getting harder and harder not to tell people, but I just don't feel quite comfortable enough telling everyone other than the immediate friends and family we have already told. We'll see how we feel after our u/s next week.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Statistics

My RE is a very statistic-oriented person. From our first meeting with him, and each subsequent meeting, we have always been given the statistics. The statistics that our IUI would work, the statistics that our first IVF would work, the statistics of how many eggs would be matured and fertilized for each cycle, the statistics of our IVF cycle working after an endometrial biopsy. The statistics have always been in our favor on paper, but somehow I have managed to fall on the opposite end of the good statistics at every twist and turn on my IF journey. Our IUIs did not work, despite the 85% chance that it would. My first four IVF cycles did not work, despite the 65-85% chance that they were supposed to work. The IVF cycle after the endo biopsy did not work after the 85% chance it should have worked.

When we went in for our first u/s on Monday our RE was no different. After having the Nurse Practitioner perform the u/s, we met with our RE. It was then that he outlined our statistics for this pregnancy. We have a 5% change of miscarrying each of these babies individually in the first trimester. We have a .25% chance of miscarrying both of them in the first trimester. Our chances of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeats again at our next u/s is similar to miscarrying them at 12 weeks, ie, it decreases the longer the pregnancy goes into our first trimester.

After telling us our miscarriage odds, he told us that we should feel comfortable telling our friends and family that we are pregnant, but advised us not to mention that we are having twins. As soon as we got to my parents house to pick up L after our appt my dad asked, "Can we tell people now?" My parents wanted to start telling people after we received our second beta to which we replied, "Absolutely not!".

I have spent the last couple days with my mom and my sister. Our hubby's are out of town together at the NAS.CAR race in Mi.chigan so we had some fun girl time planned. We had a scen.tsy party at my mom's house on Friday night and then my mom and I attended a graduation party on Saturday afternoon together. We also went to see the movie Up and I went to my nieces soccer game this morning.

I told my mom that I was uncomfortable telling people that I am pregnant. Not because I don't want them to know, but because it is hard to get the words out for some strange reason. As happy and elated as I am, it is still hard to formulate the words "I'm pregnant" after so many years of IF. So, my mom gladly took on the role as the official informant for the weekend. I would be standing there having a conversation with someone else completely and I would hear her say, "Oh, Kris is pregnant", or "we're going to have another grand baby" or she would simply hold my shirt tight against my belly and show them my protruding-and-still-looking-four-months-pregnant-belly. All with a huge smile on her face and joy in her voice.

All the while, I enjoyed every minute of it. I have waited three long years to be pregnant again and I am trying to relax and enjoy every minute of it. So many people have said so many great things to me. I have made more people cry, a response I simply did not expect to invoke in others. For once I am happy, really happy. (Although two people have asked me if this pregnancy was planned....ummm, yes, but thanks for your rude question! Seriously, WTF?)

But that nagging statistic keeps coming back to me...that .25% chance that I will miscarry both babies in the first trimester.

Next u/s is scheduled for June 22. First OB appt is scheduled for July 7. Here's to hoping, wishing, thinking and praying that I will continue to be on the right side of the statistics.

Monday, June 8, 2009

First Ultrasound

Today we went in for our first ultrasound. I was SO nervous and anxious all morning and waiting not-so-patiently for our 1:30 appt. I started crying before I even had the dildo-cam action! DH was holding my hand and when the nurse inserted the dildo-cam right away she said, "I see the heartbeat". I started laughing and crying at the same time and DH got a huge grin on his face. Then she was looking around and said, "Yep, you have twins." I continued laughing and crying at the same time and DH was grinning from ear to ear and squeezing my hand. At one point she had to ask me to hold my breath so she could get a good read on their heartbeats:) Here are their stats:

Baby A: measured 6w3d, heartbeat 106
Baby B: measured 6w2d, heartbeat 104

I am 6w3d today so everything is looking good! They said the heartbeats are fabulous and right on track for the timing of this ultrasound. We have another RE appt in two weeks and then I have to call to schedule my first OB/GYN appt for three weeks from now. My RE said that my OB may want to see me before 9 weeks since we have twins. Since we are having twins we most likely will have them well before our January 29 due date.

All I can do is laugh and giggle. DH has had a smile on his face the entire day and is already talking about buying a bigger camper. I am still thinking realistically that this is so early and so much can go wrong, but today I am just love love loving this! :)

Friday, June 5, 2009

Six Years

On Sunday my DH and I will celebrate our six year wedding anniversary. Six wonderful years. We coincidentally got married on the same weekend that we met nine years ago. Wow! I can't believe it has been nine years total! Time just flies by, more so the older you get.

In the last nine years we have done so much. We have built a beautiful home, we have grown closer and stronger in our marriage (thanks IF!), we have learned how to balance our own needs with the needs of each other, we have bonded together to become amazing parents to our dear L (if I do say so myself:)), we have been through the ups and downs of owning your own businesses, we have gone on some of the most wonderful vacations and adventures, we have built strong bonds with each others family, and the list could go on.

With all of the things we have done together nothing, and I mean NOTHING, has been more life-changing for us than having L and going through IF. We have learned what our marriage is truly made of and built upon and who our best friend really is. I always knew that DH was my best friend, but I didn't really know what that meant, until we became infertile. When I met DH I never thought that we would have to go through so much in order to have a baby (because we are so special, ya know? ha!) In my wildest nightmares I never thought that I would go the distance and do everything that we have done in order to have another child. And I certainly never thought that DH would have been up to the challenge either. Not because he is not a good man, a good husband, a good dad, a patient person, but just because he is a guy. I mean, let's face it girls, most women have a stonger desire to have children than their husbands do. It doesn't mean that our guy doesn't want children, but the feeling and want for children is generally just different for them.

So as I sit here today, I have tears in my eyes. For how much I absolutely love and adore my husband. I really do. He is the best person who has ever come into my life (well, besides L anyway). He is so so so kind, patient, caring, hard-working, tolerant, loving, funny, energetic, etc. But most of all, he is an AMAZING husband and an even better father.

For our anniversary my DH has done something so completely wonderful. He made reservations at one of our favorite restaurants ( and asked my sister to take L overnight for us tomorrow night. While I am so excited that he did this, I asked him ever so gently if we could post-pone our dinner plans for another weekend. Tomorrow I will be at my sisters at 8:00am to help with the garage sale we are doing (raising money to pay for all of our IF treatments, woohoo!). Then we are leaving there to bring L to my girlfriends house for her town parade, then back to the garage sale. After the garage sale we have to take everything out of my sisters garage since it is the last day of the sale. And since I am still on restrictions to not lift >20 pounds, nothing strenuous and no intercourse, well, I just figured that we should wait until we can have some "fun" to celebrate our anniversary and have L spend the night overnight at my sisters house.

I love you, M, with all of my heart!