Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Advice Needed

I once had a BFF named D. We met through our husbands who went to high school together. We were the type of friends who would talk on the phone every day, get together with our husbands and kids on weekends, take vacations together...all those things that you do with your BFF.

Just over a year ago we had a falling out and are no longer friends. There were several reasons for the falling out, but the "straw that broke the camels back" was when she could not support me through our IF. Instead of being a supportive friend, she told me that she was "ditching me" for her other friends (ones that I introduced her to). This, after I stood by her through her rocky marriage and many other personal issues she had gone through in the course of our friendship. Just for the record, I don't think I was all innocent either. I was at the lowest of lows of my life and was pretty depressed over our IF and was not a joy to be around, this I know. In June 2008, I told her that I could no longer be friends with her and that I needed to surround myself with those who were willing to support me. Since then, my DH and her DH have only spoken a few times on the phone and have had lunch 1-2 times.

Fast forward to August 2009 when I received a card in the mail from her saying:

Dear K- I was thrilled to hear you are expecting twins. I am sure you and your family are very happy. Congrats again- & Happy Birthday.:) D

When I opened up my mail that day I just about fell over in shock. I never expected to hear a word from her again. After thinking about it for the day, I decided that it was a nice gesture and perhaps her way of "sticking out the olive branch". My DH agreed and he encouraged me to call her to thank her for the card. I called three days later and left a message for her saying:

Hi, D, it's K. I am just calling to thank you for the card I received in the mail. That was very kind of you to send it and I appreciate that you took the time to send it. I also wanted to congratulate you on the birth of your third little boy. Three little boys, how fun! I hope you all are doing well and I will talk to you later.

[side note: I am still friends with some of the girls that used to hang out in our group of friends that I introduced her to so I am assuming that she heard through the grapevine that we were expecting, just as I heard that she had another boy].

It has been one week and I have not heard back from her. To be honest, I didn't really care whether or not I heard back from her when I called having the attitude "it is what it is". I didn't ask for her to return my call and I made no other attempt in the message I left for her to indicate that I wanted further contact. And this is where I am stuck. I really don't know whether or not I want to try to rekindle our friendship. Part of me feels like she couldn't be there for me when I needed her the most so why would I need/want her as a friend now? The other part of me remembers how much fun we had together and how nice it would be for our DHs and our kids to be friends again. Our kids go to the same school and we live 5 minutes from each other so we are always running into each other.

I am not foolish enough to think that our friendship would be the same that it once was. And there were a handful of other things that I did not enjoy about our friendship either (to put it nicely, a rocky marriage which is still an issue and her son who is super aggressive to L which my DH thinks would be better now that the kids are older to name a couple).

So, what would you do? Would you just let the message I left for her stand and see what happens in the future? Or would you try to contact her again and try to rekindle the friendship? Any other thoughts?

9 comments:

Infertile In the City said...

I would just leave it, not every friendship can handle IF, and to say that she was "ditching you" to you - well doesn't sound like a great friend? She may have reached out an olive branch and then got busy or decided against it, who knows....

Niki said...

I'm with Infertile in the City. I wouldn't contact her again. I think it speaks volumes about someone's personality when they abandon a friend during a dark time in their life--not a genuine person IMO. You are kind, caring, empathetic person who deserves supportive friends, which is why I don't think she deserves your friendship.

Jill M. said...

I feel like you did leave an indirect indication that you would like to further contact when you said "I will talk to you later". I believe the ball is back in her court. Just be sure that she did receive the message. Is there any chance that her dh got the message and forgot to relay it to her? That would not be so good if she made the effort to send the card and then thought you didn't even acknowledge it. I hope things work out for you 2 and that you are able to rekindle your friendship. Best!

Deb said...

Sometimes people just grow apart. Not being there for you when you needed her the most is a big indication to me that perhaps the friendship is not worth fighting for. You don't have to be enemies, but it just doesn't sound like a person I'd invest too much time or energy in.

Erica said...

Depends on how much she means to you...if you're totally fine not having her in your life, screw it. Let the message stand. If you really miss her and think she is a worthwhile friend to have in good times AND bad, call again. Good luck with your decision.

DAVs said...

I agree with Jill--make sure she got the message. I hope it easily works itself out, for the best for all parties involved! IF is tough on everyone. I never really got that until one of my other fertile friends wrote a few blog posts about it and while it hurt to read, it did open my eyes. Good luck!!

kayjay said...

I guess it depends on what kind of friends you want in your life now. Sometimes you want some friends that you just have fun with and don't rely upon for anything serious. If that is what you want from a friendship with her, than you may want to try to rekindle it. If you simply want to focus on deeper friendships, like the ones you have with people who have stood by you, even when you weren't much fun to be around, than I would leave it. I hope you can resolve this in a way that you can be at peace with.

Anonymous said...

Do whatever feels right, and whatever decision you make don't feel guilty about it. You are clearly a very caring person with a huge heart. The downside of that is that you probably let people take you for granted, so don't feel bad if you decide to let that friendship go for good.

Kristy

Tom and Margit said...

I think however you feel deep down is what will push your decision. If she got the message and isn't calling you back or if she didn't get it, you will never know. Unless she calls back. But, if it causes you so much pain and you don't feel her feelings to reconcile are true, then don't hurt yourself more. As Niki and Infertile in the City said, she abandoned you at a time when you needed her.
HUGS!!!