Lately I have been thinking A LOT about my three frozen embryos from my last IVF cycle that Caden and Colton were conceived from. Every day I think about those little embies sitting in the freezer waiting for DH and I to make a decision on what to do with them. I always wanted four children, DH always wanted two. Now that we have three it seems like a good compromise.
But those little embies were made with so many emotions that it is not as simple as that. We fought for three years and put all of our blood, sweat and tears into making those little frosties. During my pregnancy I never felt really attached to those three frozen embryos. I told several people that out of 11 embryos transferred, only two truly implanted and produced my twin boys. That means that nine embryos "didn't survive" inside of my uterus. After going through so many embryos, and the prospect of life for each of them, in a weird kind of way I became a bit desensitized to what they actually were. Looking back, I think that this was a defense mechanism to help me cope with so many BFNs, a sort of way to guard my heart.
Now that I am looking at my boys every day I noticed that I have been thinking about those embies in a different way. I wouldn't say that I see them as potential children (although they certainly are), but as rather the prospect of more emotions that include, but are not limited to, joy, elation, fear, hope, disappointment, excitement, anticipation and heartbreak.
I have firmly decided that we will never do another fresh IVF cycle. To allow myself to go down that path again when I have three healthy children is not something that I am willing to put myself and my immediate family into. There are just too many emotions that go along with it and I can't put myself back there. I remember all to well everything we went through to get Caden and Colton and it is a place that I don't want to be again.
But those three little embies are still available, each frozen in a single straw to allow for an eSET. But, if I possibly allow myself in the future to transfer each one of them, one by one, and it does not produce a pregnancy and eventually a healthy baby at the end of the pregnancy, will I be left wanting more? Will I be able to handle the disappointment and not want to do another fresh cycle? Or will it leave me wanting more and will I weaken and do another fresh IVF cycle?
I also think about the dynamics of our family. Right now I have three beautiful little boys. Do I really want another boy? Or do I really want a girl? Not that we get to choose the gender in the IVF roulette, but just thinking ahead. To be quite honest, I don't know that I want either. And what about my chol.est.asis of pregnancy that put me on hospital bed rest. Am I at higher risk for that again or for HE.LLP or pre-.eclamp.sia? Do I really want to go through another c-section? What about when DH and I want to retire and the financial planning aspect of our lives? What about making sure that all of my children get the attention they deserve and not feeling like I am stretched too far in order to feel like I am being a good mommy? There are just so many things to consider.
As it stands today, I think I am about 80% sure that we are done, but there is still that 20% that remains. And I know I will get a bill soon for the storage fees on those little embies. I think we owe them the opportunity of patience so I will happily be paying the storage fee on those little cells that are clumped together for at least the next five years.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Hooray for Hearing! And Some Conversations With Logan
Yesterday Caden and Colton had an appt for their big hearing screen. They failed the newborn hearing screen at the hospital when they were born and they also failed the same test when they were six weeks old. We had to make an appt for a more specialized hearing test to find out what, if any, hearing loss they were experiencing.
We were supposed to do Colton's test yesterday and Caden's test tomorrow since the clinic only had one ABR test machine. DH and I decided to take them both to the appt yesterday because in order for them to perform the test they have to be sleeping. We figured that if Colton was not sleeping, that they could do Caden's test if he was sleeping. Each test was estimated to take 1-3 hours.
When we arrived at the clinic both boys were wide awake and hungry. We fed them right before they called us back to the room. After they were done eating, Caden fell asleep in my arms while Colton fussed and cried. I asked DH to take him on a walk in the hallway in the stroller to try to calm him down and get him to sleep. While he was gone the audiologist hooked up the same test that they had done at the hospital to Caden. He wanted to try the easier test first so that if they passed it would save time and we wouldn't have to sit for the longer test. Caden passed with a "robust response"! When DH walked back into the room five minutes later, I told him that Caden was already done. He was in shock.
Since we had plenty of time to spare for the allotted appt time and Colton was now sleeping, the audiologist performed the same test on him and he also passed right away with a "robust response". Hooray! Both my boys have full hearing in both ears!
I asked the audiologist why they may have failed the two prior same tests and he explained that they could have fluid in their ears from delivery when they were tested at the hospital and at their six week appt or that possibly the machine was not hooked up to them properly and they did not receive an accurate read on the previous tests. Either way I am so relieved that they both can hear. The best part is that both boys were tested and passed in under an hour, rather than the 1-3 hours that we could have spent there for Colton yesterday and Caden tomorrow.
I have also been having some really funny conversations with Logan lately. It is so fun to see how his little brain is thinking as he grows. For instance, we were driving home from preschool yesterday and this was our conversation:
Logan: Which brother is sitting next to me? Is it Caden?
Me: Does he have an angel kiss on his forehead?
Logan: Yep! So it must be Caden because he has one on his forehead, Colton has one on the back of his head and I have one on my belly.
Me: That's right!
Logan: How did we all get different shaped angel kisses?
Me: That's the way that God made them.
Logan: Well, God must have different shaped lips and then he must choose the shape lips he wants to use when he wants to use them.
Logical to a five year old, right?
The other day I was doing dishes and he was sitting at the kitchen table eating a snack and out of nowhere he looks at me and says, "you are the best mommy in the whole world! I love you SO much!". Awww, talk about melting my heart!:)
We have also had a very lengthy conversation on ABC gum. You know, the kind that has "Already Been Chewed". I was being so silly with him and asking him if he wanted ABC gum, but he couldn't quite get the concept that he wanted "ABC gum, but I don't want it Already Been Chewed". I kept asking him, "do you just want regular minty gum?" And he kept saying, "no, I want ABC gum, but I don't want Already Been Chewed gum." It was a conversation that kept going around in a circle where I was trying to explain to him that I was just being silly with him and that no, I was not going to give him my ABC gum. Too funny!
The other big news at our house is that for the last three nights Caden has slept nine hours straight at night and Colton has slept 10 straight hours at night! Can I get a "woot woot"? :) We are hoping that eventually they stretch this to 11 straight hours, but we are love, love, loivn' getting more sleep from our almost 11 week olds!
We were supposed to do Colton's test yesterday and Caden's test tomorrow since the clinic only had one ABR test machine. DH and I decided to take them both to the appt yesterday because in order for them to perform the test they have to be sleeping. We figured that if Colton was not sleeping, that they could do Caden's test if he was sleeping. Each test was estimated to take 1-3 hours.
When we arrived at the clinic both boys were wide awake and hungry. We fed them right before they called us back to the room. After they were done eating, Caden fell asleep in my arms while Colton fussed and cried. I asked DH to take him on a walk in the hallway in the stroller to try to calm him down and get him to sleep. While he was gone the audiologist hooked up the same test that they had done at the hospital to Caden. He wanted to try the easier test first so that if they passed it would save time and we wouldn't have to sit for the longer test. Caden passed with a "robust response"! When DH walked back into the room five minutes later, I told him that Caden was already done. He was in shock.
Since we had plenty of time to spare for the allotted appt time and Colton was now sleeping, the audiologist performed the same test on him and he also passed right away with a "robust response". Hooray! Both my boys have full hearing in both ears!
I asked the audiologist why they may have failed the two prior same tests and he explained that they could have fluid in their ears from delivery when they were tested at the hospital and at their six week appt or that possibly the machine was not hooked up to them properly and they did not receive an accurate read on the previous tests. Either way I am so relieved that they both can hear. The best part is that both boys were tested and passed in under an hour, rather than the 1-3 hours that we could have spent there for Colton yesterday and Caden tomorrow.
I have also been having some really funny conversations with Logan lately. It is so fun to see how his little brain is thinking as he grows. For instance, we were driving home from preschool yesterday and this was our conversation:
Logan: Which brother is sitting next to me? Is it Caden?
Me: Does he have an angel kiss on his forehead?
Logan: Yep! So it must be Caden because he has one on his forehead, Colton has one on the back of his head and I have one on my belly.
Me: That's right!
Logan: How did we all get different shaped angel kisses?
Me: That's the way that God made them.
Logan: Well, God must have different shaped lips and then he must choose the shape lips he wants to use when he wants to use them.
Logical to a five year old, right?
The other day I was doing dishes and he was sitting at the kitchen table eating a snack and out of nowhere he looks at me and says, "you are the best mommy in the whole world! I love you SO much!". Awww, talk about melting my heart!:)
We have also had a very lengthy conversation on ABC gum. You know, the kind that has "Already Been Chewed". I was being so silly with him and asking him if he wanted ABC gum, but he couldn't quite get the concept that he wanted "ABC gum, but I don't want it Already Been Chewed". I kept asking him, "do you just want regular minty gum?" And he kept saying, "no, I want ABC gum, but I don't want Already Been Chewed gum." It was a conversation that kept going around in a circle where I was trying to explain to him that I was just being silly with him and that no, I was not going to give him my ABC gum. Too funny!
The other big news at our house is that for the last three nights Caden has slept nine hours straight at night and Colton has slept 10 straight hours at night! Can I get a "woot woot"? :) We are hoping that eventually they stretch this to 11 straight hours, but we are love, love, loivn' getting more sleep from our almost 11 week olds!
Friday, March 12, 2010
A Vacation and An Appointment
Whew! It has been a busy couple of weeks! On March 2, we took Caden and Colton on their first airplane trip to Orlando. We went with my mom, dad, sister, BIL and nieces. The boys did awesome on the plane and either ate or slept the entire time. Big Brother Logan watched a movie the entire time and DH and I were able to enjoy the in-flight movie which happened to be Blind.side. We rented a six bedroom, four bathroom house five minutes from Dis.ney for all of us. We had a pool in the backyard and also were able to use the neighborhood pool with a water slide and a huge playground. I would highly recommend renting a house when going to Orlando. We have done it three times now and it has worked out really well. It is cheaper than staying in a hotel and just having a private pool in the backyard is awesome. The kids would go swimming before we left for the day and when we returned each night.
We went to Dis.ney Wor.ld, Day.tona Beach, miniature golfing, swimming and to a Pi.rate Dinner Ad.venture. We also had to make a stop at the urgent care clinic to have Logan's ears checked out. On Saturday night he woke up in the middle of the night and came into our room telling us that his ear hurt. He went right back to bed and we decided in the morning to have him checked out. We had also noticed during the week that he was being really naughty and having minor temper tantrums and getting upset about really small things. In the past when this behavior has happened he has always had either an ear infection or strep throat. He doesn't get the normal symptoms like a fever when he is sick, he just gets really naughty. So, sure enough, we brought him in on Sunday morning to the doctor and he had a double ear infection. After one dose of antibiotic he was like a new kid again.
When he did come into our room that night he crawled in bed next to DH for a few minutes. As soon as he snuggled up to DH he said in his incredulous voice, "Wow! Dad you are warmer than lava!". It was so funny! How does he think of this stuff? :)
The Little Monkeys did good overall in Florida. They got tons of fresh air and slept most of the days while we were out and about. They love their cozy car seats! Even though we had tons of fun on our vacation, it was A LOT of work. The thing about Dis.ney is that for every attraction r show you have to park your stroller and take your kids out of it to walk in to the attraction. So, many times a day we were taking them and their back pack out of the stroller, carrying them to the shows, holding them at the shows, then carrying them back to the stroller and repeat, repeat, repeat all day long. Even though my family was helping us a ton, it was still a lot of work. Quite a few people stopped us on the plane or when we were out and about in Florida and told us we were brave to bring our twin eight week olds and a five year old on vacation. My response was, "we are either brave or stupid". It was the joke of the week, but I am so glad we went even though it was a lot of work.
We got back into town on Tuesday this week and Caden and Colton had their two month well-check on Wednesday. Caden was 7#1oz when he was born and is now a whopping 12#3oz. Colton was 6#14oz when he was born and is now a whopping 13#3oz. Colton is now bigger than Caden and is living up to his name colTON:):)
They are both doing well with everything else and have been sleeping a bit more at night. We have been giving them their last feeding at 8:30pm and then they have been waking at around 2:30am to eat, go right back to bed and then getting up again at 7:00am. I am so glad they are only getting up once and we are finally getting more sleep! Sleep-deprivation is not fun!
I have been reading all of your blogs, but haven't had time to comment. I am hoping that now that we are back from Florida I will have more time to be more involved again. I have quite a few blog posts that I want to write about, but need to find time to do it.
We went to Dis.ney Wor.ld, Day.tona Beach, miniature golfing, swimming and to a Pi.rate Dinner Ad.venture. We also had to make a stop at the urgent care clinic to have Logan's ears checked out. On Saturday night he woke up in the middle of the night and came into our room telling us that his ear hurt. He went right back to bed and we decided in the morning to have him checked out. We had also noticed during the week that he was being really naughty and having minor temper tantrums and getting upset about really small things. In the past when this behavior has happened he has always had either an ear infection or strep throat. He doesn't get the normal symptoms like a fever when he is sick, he just gets really naughty. So, sure enough, we brought him in on Sunday morning to the doctor and he had a double ear infection. After one dose of antibiotic he was like a new kid again.
When he did come into our room that night he crawled in bed next to DH for a few minutes. As soon as he snuggled up to DH he said in his incredulous voice, "Wow! Dad you are warmer than lava!". It was so funny! How does he think of this stuff? :)
The Little Monkeys did good overall in Florida. They got tons of fresh air and slept most of the days while we were out and about. They love their cozy car seats! Even though we had tons of fun on our vacation, it was A LOT of work. The thing about Dis.ney is that for every attraction r show you have to park your stroller and take your kids out of it to walk in to the attraction. So, many times a day we were taking them and their back pack out of the stroller, carrying them to the shows, holding them at the shows, then carrying them back to the stroller and repeat, repeat, repeat all day long. Even though my family was helping us a ton, it was still a lot of work. Quite a few people stopped us on the plane or when we were out and about in Florida and told us we were brave to bring our twin eight week olds and a five year old on vacation. My response was, "we are either brave or stupid". It was the joke of the week, but I am so glad we went even though it was a lot of work.
We got back into town on Tuesday this week and Caden and Colton had their two month well-check on Wednesday. Caden was 7#1oz when he was born and is now a whopping 12#3oz. Colton was 6#14oz when he was born and is now a whopping 13#3oz. Colton is now bigger than Caden and is living up to his name colTON:):)
They are both doing well with everything else and have been sleeping a bit more at night. We have been giving them their last feeding at 8:30pm and then they have been waking at around 2:30am to eat, go right back to bed and then getting up again at 7:00am. I am so glad they are only getting up once and we are finally getting more sleep! Sleep-deprivation is not fun!
I have been reading all of your blogs, but haven't had time to comment. I am hoping that now that we are back from Florida I will have more time to be more involved again. I have quite a few blog posts that I want to write about, but need to find time to do it.
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