Lately I have been thinking A LOT about my three frozen embryos from my last IVF cycle that Caden and Colton were conceived from. Every day I think about those little embies sitting in the freezer waiting for DH and I to make a decision on what to do with them. I always wanted four children, DH always wanted two. Now that we have three it seems like a good compromise.
But those little embies were made with so many emotions that it is not as simple as that. We fought for three years and put all of our blood, sweat and tears into making those little frosties. During my pregnancy I never felt really attached to those three frozen embryos. I told several people that out of 11 embryos transferred, only two truly implanted and produced my twin boys. That means that nine embryos "didn't survive" inside of my uterus. After going through so many embryos, and the prospect of life for each of them, in a weird kind of way I became a bit desensitized to what they actually were. Looking back, I think that this was a defense mechanism to help me cope with so many BFNs, a sort of way to guard my heart.
Now that I am looking at my boys every day I noticed that I have been thinking about those embies in a different way. I wouldn't say that I see them as potential children (although they certainly are), but as rather the prospect of more emotions that include, but are not limited to, joy, elation, fear, hope, disappointment, excitement, anticipation and heartbreak.
I have firmly decided that we will never do another fresh IVF cycle. To allow myself to go down that path again when I have three healthy children is not something that I am willing to put myself and my immediate family into. There are just too many emotions that go along with it and I can't put myself back there. I remember all to well everything we went through to get Caden and Colton and it is a place that I don't want to be again.
But those three little embies are still available, each frozen in a single straw to allow for an eSET. But, if I possibly allow myself in the future to transfer each one of them, one by one, and it does not produce a pregnancy and eventually a healthy baby at the end of the pregnancy, will I be left wanting more? Will I be able to handle the disappointment and not want to do another fresh cycle? Or will it leave me wanting more and will I weaken and do another fresh IVF cycle?
I also think about the dynamics of our family. Right now I have three beautiful little boys. Do I really want another boy? Or do I really want a girl? Not that we get to choose the gender in the IVF roulette, but just thinking ahead. To be quite honest, I don't know that I want either. And what about my chol.est.asis of pregnancy that put me on hospital bed rest. Am I at higher risk for that again or for HE.LLP or pre-.eclamp.sia? Do I really want to go through another c-section? What about when DH and I want to retire and the financial planning aspect of our lives? What about making sure that all of my children get the attention they deserve and not feeling like I am stretched too far in order to feel like I am being a good mommy? There are just so many things to consider.
As it stands today, I think I am about 80% sure that we are done, but there is still that 20% that remains. And I know I will get a bill soon for the storage fees on those little embies. I think we owe them the opportunity of patience so I will happily be paying the storage fee on those little cells that are clumped together for at least the next five years.