**WARNING: Kids mentioned a lot in this post**
We had the best time last night. My friend, L, asked me to watch her kids overnight for the first time. She has a son who is 9 days younger than L and a daughter who is 19 months. The boys played so well together, as they usually do. They were running like crazies around my house, but they weren't being naughty or "rough-housing", they were just having some really good four-year-old fun. Her daughter is the sweetest little thing. She doesn't talk much yet but she is SO full of smiles. Everything was sailing along and then it was bedtime.
When I went to put her daughter to sleep we read a couple of board books and then I layed her down. She cried for a little while and then I went up to reassure her that I was still here and that she was okay. She calmed down and I layed her down again. As soon as I started to leave the room, she began crying again. I went over to the crib and started to rub her back and she immediately settled down. I continued to rub her back until she fell asleep about 10 minutes later. As I was rubbing, I began to cry. It SO reminded me why I am going through all of our IF struggles to have another child. It was a good cry though. One of complete contentment. I want a screaming baby to soothe at night. I want a crying baby to kiss away their tears and owies. I want a cutie pie baby to snuggle with and give me smiles. I just want it, all of it. I know that if we make it to the IF "finish line" that our struggles will be well worth the wait and the work of the journey we have traveled.
Today I was thinking about how cute my friends kids are. I was thinking that if someone said to me today, "You have to take these kids today and treat them as your own", I would. It doesn't matter that they are not biologically my children. I would want them. And so the discussion of Donor Egg ensued with DH. I told him that I think I would be okay with doing this if my eggs turn out to be complete crap, i.e., chromosomally abnormal. I asked him to just tuck this thought away in the back of his head and think about it and figure out if he would be okay with it as well. To which he replied, "I would be okay with it. Totally." I got tears in my eyes. I don't know if I was surprised that he would be fine with DE or just that he didn't need to think about it at all. Either way, I am so grateful to have such a flexible, awesome DH. He went on to say, "I just want to move on with the next step of our life and get past our infertility". I whole-heartedly agree!
Some of you reading this that have never heard of DE and may be surprised by such an "alternative" way to completing our family. It's funny because someone wrote somewhere along the way that if the next option doesn't seem so scary (DE, DS, adoption, CF living, etc) it means you are ready to move on. This is so true! A year ago I never would have considered DE. Today, it isn't so scary. I have also heard that using DE is like adopting at the earliest stages of life. This makes tons of sense to me. If DH and I decided to adopt, we would face long wait times and more uncertainty. If we find out my eggs are crap and we can't have our own biological child, why not "adopt" at the earliest stages of life? That way I would get to carry another pregnancy while bonding with this child and give birth to my own child again. I guess, for us, it just sounds like a better option.
We'll see what our next cycle brings, but just knowing that this could be an option for us does indeed give me renewed *hope* that I will be able to complete my family.