I received a phone call from my OB today with my E-tegrity/beta 3 integrin/endometrial biopsy results. She said that she didn't know for sure how to interpret the results because she has never done one to check for the beta 3 integrin. If you remember, Dr. School.craft requested that we have this done and my OB so graciously agreed to do this for me. She read the results that stated that my lining was positive for the beta 3 integrin and that the test came back normal. She is going to fax it to me tomorrow so that I can fax it to Dr. School.craft at CCRM for my records.
Although I am happy that this came back positive, I am also a little bummed. By going to CCRM for my one day work-up I was hoping that I would get that "smoking gun", you know, the reason as to why we have so many failed cycles with such great looking embies. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that we found stuff that can be fixed, but it just doesn't seem like enough. Does that make any sense??
I also received a phone call today from the head nurse at my local RE. She is the same one that I spoke to last week with whom I had a slightly uncomfortable conversation. She called to tell me that she had spoken to my RE and another RE in their office about our conversation last week and that they did not put much weight into the restricted blood flow to my uterus as it has not been "proven". I told her that was fine and that I would still continue doing the electro-acupuncture that Dr. School.craft recommended to correct this. My local RE is also going to put me on Vi.agra (FOUR yucky suppositories every day!), which will help with this as well.
She did tell me that my local RE would be interested in finding out the results of my E-Tegrity test. I told her I would call her once I found out. I will call her tomorrow as their office was closed by the time my OB called to give me the results.
I then asked her about the new protocol they are putting me on. Instead of being on the long Lu.pron protocol that I have been on for my last two fresh cycles, he is changing me to the antagonist protocol, aka the Sher protocol. I will start Gan.irelix on the same day I start stims, which will hopefully improve the quality of my embies. I am a little fuzzy on this since I have always had great quality blasts to choose from, but since none of my other cycles have worked I am willing to try it. I read on Dr. Goo.gle this week somewhere that Gan.irelix can help with implantation as well.
I did mention that I would like to transfer three embryos this time, instead of the two I have always tx'ed in the past. She said that since this is my third cycle that he will let me tx three embryos if that is what we want to do.
So, lots of changes are in store for this cycle. I am thinking that I will start BCP when AF arrives in March. She should show her ugly face around March 16. I am thinking that ER will be at the end of April sometime. I will know more next week once I get my calendar.
On a side note: I have now lost 9 pounds! Woohoo! If I lose 10 more pounds I will be a happy girl and even happier if I can lose 15 more I will be really sad when I start my cycle and I am no longer able to work out:( DH, L and I are going to Wisc.onsin De.lls in a couple of weeks for a long weekend so I am excited to go find a swimsuit that I can feel somewhat comfortable in.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Electro-Acupuncture Appointment
Yesterday afternoon I went to see the electro-acupuncturist. I was looking online for some practitioners in my area who do this and I found a clinic in Minneapolis who specializes in electro-acupuncture for infertility. When I called their practice last week I was telling the gal who answered what I was looking for. She immediately started talking about Randine Lewis and her philosophies and we had a great conversation. As we were talking she asked me "Is this the Kris who just did a cycle a couple of months ago at ?" I said "yes". It turns out that she did my pre- and post- acupuncture treatment for the last cycle I did in November. What a small world! She used to be independent and I was referred to her by my clinic. Now she works with two other practitioners in the same office.
When I got to her office yesterday the surroundings were very calming and nice. She took me back to a room where we talked for a long time about a questionnaire she had sent to me on email to complete before I came. In addition to my questionnaire, she took 8 pages of notes! Wow, now that is impressive! After we were done talking she did a treatment of electro-acupuncture. She inserted the acupuncture needles in various places all over my body. Then she hooked up the electro thingy to a couple of the needles on my back. As they were vibrating wildly on my back I layed there for 20 minutes. It sounds really odd, but it was SO relaxing. After my treatment I wanted to take a nice, cozy nap and instead I had to drive 45 minutes to get home.
I have another treatment scheduled for next Tuesday where she will do a "Report of Findings" and go over what her treatment plan for me will be and other things I can do to improve my health and fertility. We will also come up with a plan for further electro-acupuncture treatments since it is recommended by Dr. School.craft that I do two treatments each week while cycling. I did ask the electro-acupuncturist if she would be able to do it at my home. She only lives about 15 minutes from me so it would be more convenient to have her just come to my house rather than spending 1.5 hours of drive time each time I have a treatment scheduled. She said she would think about how that would work and let me know. She sounded responsive to it so I hope it will work out.
When I got to her office yesterday the surroundings were very calming and nice. She took me back to a room where we talked for a long time about a questionnaire she had sent to me on email to complete before I came. In addition to my questionnaire, she took 8 pages of notes! Wow, now that is impressive! After we were done talking she did a treatment of electro-acupuncture. She inserted the acupuncture needles in various places all over my body. Then she hooked up the electro thingy to a couple of the needles on my back. As they were vibrating wildly on my back I layed there for 20 minutes. It sounds really odd, but it was SO relaxing. After my treatment I wanted to take a nice, cozy nap and instead I had to drive 45 minutes to get home.
I have another treatment scheduled for next Tuesday where she will do a "Report of Findings" and go over what her treatment plan for me will be and other things I can do to improve my health and fertility. We will also come up with a plan for further electro-acupuncture treatments since it is recommended by Dr. School.craft that I do two treatments each week while cycling. I did ask the electro-acupuncturist if she would be able to do it at my home. She only lives about 15 minutes from me so it would be more convenient to have her just come to my house rather than spending 1.5 hours of drive time each time I have a treatment scheduled. She said she would think about how that would work and let me know. She sounded responsive to it so I hope it will work out.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Slightly Uncomfortable Conversation
One of the nurses from my local RE clinic called me today. When I saw the number on caller ID I thought it was the scheduler calling to schedule our meeting with our RE before we cycle there again. I called a couple of days ago and left her a message that I wanted to having a meeting with our RE to discuss a couple of thing with him prior to cycling there again--namely, our results of our one day work-up at CCRM.
DH and I have all but decided for sure that we will cycle again locally since we have paid for one more cycle locally. With the logistics of running two businesses and having our busy work time be in the summer, we thought it would be best if we cycle locally this summer instead of flying to CO to cycle at CCRM. We are about 95% sure that this is what we will do. If we don't have success with our local cycle, we will cycle at CCRM next winter when work isn't so busy and we will be able to run both of our businesses long-distance.
When I picked up the phone it was actually the head nurse calling me. She was curious as to why we wanted to schedule a pre-IVF consult and asked if we had some specific questions. She said that our local RE would meet with us, but that he realizes that the consult would be more $$ out of our pockets and wanted to avoid having to charge us by getting our questions answered over the phone.
Since I had not yet thought of how I would approach the situation with our local RE I was a little tongue-tied (which rarely happens to me!). I ended up telling the nurse more about our one day work-up with CCRM. I told her that it is not my intention to tell our local RE how to do his job, but that after having L and now having four failed IVF cycles that I wanted to have more answers. I explained that I didn't want to step on our local REs toes, but that I wanted to help them make me a success story of someone who cycles three times and gets pregnant (yep, I was laying it on thick).
I told her that CCRM found that I had restricted blood flow to my uterus and that they recommend that I do electro-acupuncture and mentioned the study on Randine Lewis's website. I also mentioned that I had read in an article that Vi.agra could help with blood flow too. She looked at my meds order and noted that my local RE was going to put me on Vi.agra for this cycle in addition to heparin and baby aspirin.
I also mentioned that I was waiting for my endometrial biopsy results to come back to see if I had the beta 3 integrin.
She was curious as to what protocol CCRM would recommend putting me on. I told her that I would ask when I have another phone consult with Dr. School.craft in March. She said to call her when I got the biopsy results and we would go from there. She told me also that she would touch base with my RE regarding our phone conversation.
It is a really fine line working between two clinics. ART/IVF is a really competitive business out there with lots of $$ involved. I was taken off guard by her phone call because DH and I had not fully discussed how we would handle our meeting with him before we cycle. I did tell my local RE in December that we were going to get a second opinion from CCRM and I don't think he was too pleased about it. Actually, I think he was surprised and shocked. I really do respect my local RE and I actually told him that I loved him during one of my transfers (yes, val.ium does weird things to you!). I also think that if I am logistically unable to transfer with CCRM until the winter months that it would be a long wait if I couldn't cycle locally. Even though I don't have high hopes of it working locally, I figure, Why not? We've already paid for the cycle and it is one more chance to make it work.
DH and I have all but decided for sure that we will cycle again locally since we have paid for one more cycle locally. With the logistics of running two businesses and having our busy work time be in the summer, we thought it would be best if we cycle locally this summer instead of flying to CO to cycle at CCRM. We are about 95% sure that this is what we will do. If we don't have success with our local cycle, we will cycle at CCRM next winter when work isn't so busy and we will be able to run both of our businesses long-distance.
When I picked up the phone it was actually the head nurse calling me. She was curious as to why we wanted to schedule a pre-IVF consult and asked if we had some specific questions. She said that our local RE would meet with us, but that he realizes that the consult would be more $$ out of our pockets and wanted to avoid having to charge us by getting our questions answered over the phone.
Since I had not yet thought of how I would approach the situation with our local RE I was a little tongue-tied (which rarely happens to me!). I ended up telling the nurse more about our one day work-up with CCRM. I told her that it is not my intention to tell our local RE how to do his job, but that after having L and now having four failed IVF cycles that I wanted to have more answers. I explained that I didn't want to step on our local REs toes, but that I wanted to help them make me a success story of someone who cycles three times and gets pregnant (yep, I was laying it on thick).
I told her that CCRM found that I had restricted blood flow to my uterus and that they recommend that I do electro-acupuncture and mentioned the study on Randine Lewis's website. I also mentioned that I had read in an article that Vi.agra could help with blood flow too. She looked at my meds order and noted that my local RE was going to put me on Vi.agra for this cycle in addition to heparin and baby aspirin.
I also mentioned that I was waiting for my endometrial biopsy results to come back to see if I had the beta 3 integrin.
She was curious as to what protocol CCRM would recommend putting me on. I told her that I would ask when I have another phone consult with Dr. School.craft in March. She said to call her when I got the biopsy results and we would go from there. She told me also that she would touch base with my RE regarding our phone conversation.
It is a really fine line working between two clinics. ART/IVF is a really competitive business out there with lots of $$ involved. I was taken off guard by her phone call because DH and I had not fully discussed how we would handle our meeting with him before we cycle. I did tell my local RE in December that we were going to get a second opinion from CCRM and I don't think he was too pleased about it. Actually, I think he was surprised and shocked. I really do respect my local RE and I actually told him that I loved him during one of my transfers (yes, val.ium does weird things to you!). I also think that if I am logistically unable to transfer with CCRM until the winter months that it would be a long wait if I couldn't cycle locally. Even though I don't have high hopes of it working locally, I figure, Why not? We've already paid for the cycle and it is one more chance to make it work.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Endometrial Biopsy- Check!
I called CalPath Lab in CA today and, thankfully, they received my endometrial biopsy today! Whew! I was getting nervous that they were not going to receive it as it was shipped from Boston by Priority Overnight on Tuesday and they had not received it yesterday. I should receive my results by the end of next week.
I talked to the acupuncturist yesterday in Denver that CCRM had recommended. She gave me some very helpful tips on other things I can do to increase the blood flow to my uterus. She also explained that the study that the electro-acupuncture recommendation is based off of is on Randine Lewis's website. I have been reading more of Randine's book this week so it was funny to hear her name in conversation. I have also made contact with an infertility acupuncturist who performs electro-acupuncture in my area. We have been playing email tag and I hope to talk to her tomorrow.
I talked to the acupuncturist yesterday in Denver that CCRM had recommended. She gave me some very helpful tips on other things I can do to increase the blood flow to my uterus. She also explained that the study that the electro-acupuncture recommendation is based off of is on Randine Lewis's website. I have been reading more of Randine's book this week so it was funny to hear her name in conversation. I have also made contact with an infertility acupuncturist who performs electro-acupuncture in my area. We have been playing email tag and I hope to talk to her tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Endometrial Biopsy Snafu and Appt Update
On Monday my DH and I went to the FedEx location by our house to have my endometrial biopsy specimen for my E-tegrity Test sent to Boston. We paid $40 to ship it there via Priority Overnight and got the tracking number in return. I followed the instructions to a "T" and had my DH double check everything.
Yesterday we were out running errands together all day and when we returned home at 4:00pm I had a message from Sepal Diagnostics- the company I sent it to. They had received the specimen, but they shouldn't have. The gal I spoke to said that they have received other specimens and wanted to know how I received these instructions. I explained the situation to her and that I had received the instructions from CCRM. She asked if I could fax over the instructions to her so that she could contact CCRM to give them the updated information.
I told her that I was sorry that they now had to pay $$ to send my specimen from Boston to California (where the specimen was supposed to be sent). She explained that was part of the problem. The shipping was supposed to be included in the $475 cost of the test.
Today I called CCRM and talked to my nurse. She looked at the instructions that they had given me and saw that it was not correct. She was going to give it to the administrative people to fix. She apologized for the confusion and expressed concern over the situation. She is also going to check with the business office to see if they can give me a refund for the $40 in shipping that I paid.
My nurse also gave me the go-ahead to schedule a re-group appt with Dr. School.craft in anticipation of getting my E-tegrity results back. DH and I want to discuss all of our test results with him and decide what our next step will be. Our appt is scheduled for March 10.
Also, yesterday while we were out running errands I received a call from my local RE clinic. The nurse gave me my new protocol and asked when we plan on doing our next cycle there. If you remember we have one more cycle that we have already paid for there. I told her that I would need to talk to my DH and let them know. DH and I discussed talking to Dr. School.craft first and then making an appt with our local RE and then decide we will do our last cycle locally or go straight to CCRM.
I have a feeling that the next month or so will be full of intense decisions to make...
Yesterday we were out running errands together all day and when we returned home at 4:00pm I had a message from Sepal Diagnostics- the company I sent it to. They had received the specimen, but they shouldn't have. The gal I spoke to said that they have received other specimens and wanted to know how I received these instructions. I explained the situation to her and that I had received the instructions from CCRM. She asked if I could fax over the instructions to her so that she could contact CCRM to give them the updated information.
I told her that I was sorry that they now had to pay $$ to send my specimen from Boston to California (where the specimen was supposed to be sent). She explained that was part of the problem. The shipping was supposed to be included in the $475 cost of the test.
Today I called CCRM and talked to my nurse. She looked at the instructions that they had given me and saw that it was not correct. She was going to give it to the administrative people to fix. She apologized for the confusion and expressed concern over the situation. She is also going to check with the business office to see if they can give me a refund for the $40 in shipping that I paid.
My nurse also gave me the go-ahead to schedule a re-group appt with Dr. School.craft in anticipation of getting my E-tegrity results back. DH and I want to discuss all of our test results with him and decide what our next step will be. Our appt is scheduled for March 10.
Also, yesterday while we were out running errands I received a call from my local RE clinic. The nurse gave me my new protocol and asked when we plan on doing our next cycle there. If you remember we have one more cycle that we have already paid for there. I told her that I would need to talk to my DH and let them know. DH and I discussed talking to Dr. School.craft first and then making an appt with our local RE and then decide we will do our last cycle locally or go straight to CCRM.
I have a feeling that the next month or so will be full of intense decisions to make...
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Endometrial Biopsy and Randine Lewis
Friday afternoon I went to my OBs office to have my endometrial biopsy. This is only the second time I have seen my OB ever. My family practice doctor has always done my annual exams and with three REs and countless nurses looking at my hooha over the last 2.5 years I just haven't had a reason to go to my OB. The first time I went to see her she did an exam and ordered my HSG to be performed at my local hospital. This time I had to have her pull another favor for me: to do my biopsy as ordered by Dr. School.craft at CCRM. She was more than happy to do it.
As I was waiting for her to enter the room my palms began to sweat and I was really nervous. The last time I had one done I was in so much pain during and for two days after the procedure. My local REs office had done the biopsy, but my local RE was out of town so one of his colleagues did it and ouchy ouchy! She had to put the speculum in three times- yep three different speculums. Not quite sure how big she thought I was, but holy cow it hurt! She had difficulty dilating my cervix and then I felt the horrible scratchy scratch of the gauze as it scraped my lining. I was prescribed Vicodin after the procedure and my lower abdomen hurt for two days. Needless to say, not a pleasant experience.
This time, when my OB entered the room she asked if I had ever had one of these done. After I explained to her my previous experience she said "okay, well, I am going to try to eliminate that pain. Do you mind if I use Novocain to numb it?" Ah, the angels were on my side on Friday! The procedure took about 10 minutes and I only felt a couple of little cramps. While she was conducting the procedure she and I were making small talk. I thanked her so much for doing this procedure for me. She replied that she was "happy to do it" and that she "hopes that this helps us have success". She also briefly mentioned that she had to do some "fancy stuff" to have children, but not as much as I have done. She said that she knows what it is like and she said that she "would have walked over hot coals in order to have a child" when she was going through IF. I agreed. I told her that if someone told me to jump off of a bridge today and that I would be pregnant tomorrow that I would do it in a heartbeat.
I took my specimen (endometrial lining) with me when I left her office since she agreed to do the procedure, but did not want to be responsible for shipping it. I have my lining sitting up on my bathroom counter at room temperature. I will go to the post office tomorrow and follow the detailed instructions to ship it off to Boston tomorrow for testing. My cervix is still feeling not normal and it is a bit uncomfortable to relieve my bladder, but I am thankful that this appears to be the end of my testing before we do another IVF cycle.
I have also started reading more of The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. It is a great book and I hope to read a bit more before I make some calls this week to find out more about electro-acupuncture. I want to call the acupuncturist in CO that the CCRM nurse referred me to in order to find out more information and to find some good tips on finding someone locally to perform this on me. I have found two people locally who do electro-acupuncture for infertility, but I want to interview them over the phone before I spend the time and money to go see them. I hope to gather more info so that I can make an educated decision on who to go with. If you remember, this is to improve the blood flow to my uterus.
On another note...DH and I joined a gym several weeks ago. I stepped on the scale and I have lost 7 pounds! I know it doesn't seem like much, but it is progress. As my dear friend, S, told me when I was at the 5 pound weight-loss mark "go to the grocery store and pick up a bag of potatoes. Five pounds is a lot". I still want to lose another 10-15 pounds to get down to my wedding day weight, but everything takes time. With starting a new cycle again in the next couple months I am not sure how feasible it is to continue to lose weight, so we shall see how it goes.
As I was waiting for her to enter the room my palms began to sweat and I was really nervous. The last time I had one done I was in so much pain during and for two days after the procedure. My local REs office had done the biopsy, but my local RE was out of town so one of his colleagues did it and ouchy ouchy! She had to put the speculum in three times- yep three different speculums. Not quite sure how big she thought I was, but holy cow it hurt! She had difficulty dilating my cervix and then I felt the horrible scratchy scratch of the gauze as it scraped my lining. I was prescribed Vicodin after the procedure and my lower abdomen hurt for two days. Needless to say, not a pleasant experience.
This time, when my OB entered the room she asked if I had ever had one of these done. After I explained to her my previous experience she said "okay, well, I am going to try to eliminate that pain. Do you mind if I use Novocain to numb it?" Ah, the angels were on my side on Friday! The procedure took about 10 minutes and I only felt a couple of little cramps. While she was conducting the procedure she and I were making small talk. I thanked her so much for doing this procedure for me. She replied that she was "happy to do it" and that she "hopes that this helps us have success". She also briefly mentioned that she had to do some "fancy stuff" to have children, but not as much as I have done. She said that she knows what it is like and she said that she "would have walked over hot coals in order to have a child" when she was going through IF. I agreed. I told her that if someone told me to jump off of a bridge today and that I would be pregnant tomorrow that I would do it in a heartbeat.
I took my specimen (endometrial lining) with me when I left her office since she agreed to do the procedure, but did not want to be responsible for shipping it. I have my lining sitting up on my bathroom counter at room temperature. I will go to the post office tomorrow and follow the detailed instructions to ship it off to Boston tomorrow for testing. My cervix is still feeling not normal and it is a bit uncomfortable to relieve my bladder, but I am thankful that this appears to be the end of my testing before we do another IVF cycle.
I have also started reading more of The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. It is a great book and I hope to read a bit more before I make some calls this week to find out more about electro-acupuncture. I want to call the acupuncturist in CO that the CCRM nurse referred me to in order to find out more information and to find some good tips on finding someone locally to perform this on me. I have found two people locally who do electro-acupuncture for infertility, but I want to interview them over the phone before I spend the time and money to go see them. I hope to gather more info so that I can make an educated decision on who to go with. If you remember, this is to improve the blood flow to my uterus.
On another note...DH and I joined a gym several weeks ago. I stepped on the scale and I have lost 7 pounds! I know it doesn't seem like much, but it is progress. As my dear friend, S, told me when I was at the 5 pound weight-loss mark "go to the grocery store and pick up a bag of potatoes. Five pounds is a lot". I still want to lose another 10-15 pounds to get down to my wedding day weight, but everything takes time. With starting a new cycle again in the next couple months I am not sure how feasible it is to continue to lose weight, so we shall see how it goes.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Pain Olympics
This is one of those heavy topics I talked about earlier this week. I just want to say upfront that this post is not meant, in any way, shape or form, to upset or offend anyone. In fact, my purpose is to validate others and what they have gone through. So here goes...
Almost a year ago, right after I started IVF and had been dealing with IF for 1.5 years already I was on a thread on IVFC. I believe it was some sort of cycle buddy thread, but can't remember for certain. One of the gals on there had also been ttc #2. We were among a great group of woman who were ttc #1. Well, the other poster ttc #2 wrote on the thread to me "don't you think it is harder when you already have a child and are going through IF because you just want your child not to be an only child." I was FLOORED! I couldn't not even respond or acknowledge this statement. I just thought it was so rude for her to compare our situation to the other situations and to openly play the Pain Olympics in a place that should have the utmost sincerity and empathy for our fellow IF friends. Even though our IF has been a very painful journey for DH and I, I would never say that! Can you imagine how these poor woman ttc #1 felt?
I know I have talked about how sad that I am that L is an only child on my blog many times. And I know that a lot of my readers are ttc #1. I also know that they continue to read my blog and have never made me feel bad for the things I have written on my blog. Every time I write a post that involves me talking about L I always think about how others will feel reading my blog. It is hard for me to find a happy medium that both appeals to my readers and stays true to who I am and who I have in my life. I never want to feel guilty for having L, but many times I do- through no fault of anyone else, it's just who I am because I can feel and understand the pain of others.
The IF journey has so many fine lines that run through it. Even though I have L, my emotions, as well as so many other infertiles, are so similar. I can say that wholeheartedly I think of my fellow IF friends daily. Not just every once in a while, but a lot. I so wish that we could all have complete families and that we did not have to endure this struggle. Even though we all have different IF journeys I really try to be supportive of others in their own struggle. I try to put myself in their shoes as I read their blogs or posts and imagine how they are feeling, regardless of where their IF journey has led them.
As much as I hate the Pain Olympics, it seems like they do pop up here and there. When I find out that someone who has been through more IF h*ll than you can imagine, or any kind of IF for that matter, I think about how much they deserve to be pregnant. But then when someone announces her pregnancy without experiencing any IF I think about how it isn't fair that she got pregnant so easily. And why is that? Because if I wouldn't wish IF on anyone (well, okay, there might be one or two people in this world that I would personally wish this on- just being honest), why is it so easy to compare my IF journey to their journey?? I mean, my situation has nothing at all to do with their situation. Is it because I just want a child so badly that it is a sharp reminder of what I don't have? Or is it because I am jealous of the joy they will experience in having a child?
People tell me to be thankful for what I have. I am thankful for what I have. I tell DH that I am the most thankful gal on this earth for having my DH and L, but that I just want to be thankful for someone else too. And having L does not dim my want for having another child. I used to want four children, now I will also consider myself thankful to have two children.
So, I guess the thing I am trying to say is that for those of you who read my blog, I sincerely thank you for reading. I know that my posts are not all fun for you to read. No matter what journey you have embarked on to create your family, I am right here by your side cheering you on. Even though I have L, the basic IF emotions for all infertiles are the same. I have felt them with you right by your side and tried to put myself in each of your shoes. I also thank you for your non-judgemental, non-critical support of me and my IF journey and for recognizing that we are all on our own IF journey. I am so glad that I have met such wonderful women whose spirit, thoughtfulness, sensitivity and support has been amazing. Without you, I would be a puddle on the floor every day, not just some days:)
Almost a year ago, right after I started IVF and had been dealing with IF for 1.5 years already I was on a thread on IVFC. I believe it was some sort of cycle buddy thread, but can't remember for certain. One of the gals on there had also been ttc #2. We were among a great group of woman who were ttc #1. Well, the other poster ttc #2 wrote on the thread to me "don't you think it is harder when you already have a child and are going through IF because you just want your child not to be an only child." I was FLOORED! I couldn't not even respond or acknowledge this statement. I just thought it was so rude for her to compare our situation to the other situations and to openly play the Pain Olympics in a place that should have the utmost sincerity and empathy for our fellow IF friends. Even though our IF has been a very painful journey for DH and I, I would never say that! Can you imagine how these poor woman ttc #1 felt?
I know I have talked about how sad that I am that L is an only child on my blog many times. And I know that a lot of my readers are ttc #1. I also know that they continue to read my blog and have never made me feel bad for the things I have written on my blog. Every time I write a post that involves me talking about L I always think about how others will feel reading my blog. It is hard for me to find a happy medium that both appeals to my readers and stays true to who I am and who I have in my life. I never want to feel guilty for having L, but many times I do- through no fault of anyone else, it's just who I am because I can feel and understand the pain of others.
The IF journey has so many fine lines that run through it. Even though I have L, my emotions, as well as so many other infertiles, are so similar. I can say that wholeheartedly I think of my fellow IF friends daily. Not just every once in a while, but a lot. I so wish that we could all have complete families and that we did not have to endure this struggle. Even though we all have different IF journeys I really try to be supportive of others in their own struggle. I try to put myself in their shoes as I read their blogs or posts and imagine how they are feeling, regardless of where their IF journey has led them.
As much as I hate the Pain Olympics, it seems like they do pop up here and there. When I find out that someone who has been through more IF h*ll than you can imagine, or any kind of IF for that matter, I think about how much they deserve to be pregnant. But then when someone announces her pregnancy without experiencing any IF I think about how it isn't fair that she got pregnant so easily. And why is that? Because if I wouldn't wish IF on anyone (well, okay, there might be one or two people in this world that I would personally wish this on- just being honest), why is it so easy to compare my IF journey to their journey?? I mean, my situation has nothing at all to do with their situation. Is it because I just want a child so badly that it is a sharp reminder of what I don't have? Or is it because I am jealous of the joy they will experience in having a child?
People tell me to be thankful for what I have. I am thankful for what I have. I tell DH that I am the most thankful gal on this earth for having my DH and L, but that I just want to be thankful for someone else too. And having L does not dim my want for having another child. I used to want four children, now I will also consider myself thankful to have two children.
So, I guess the thing I am trying to say is that for those of you who read my blog, I sincerely thank you for reading. I know that my posts are not all fun for you to read. No matter what journey you have embarked on to create your family, I am right here by your side cheering you on. Even though I have L, the basic IF emotions for all infertiles are the same. I have felt them with you right by your side and tried to put myself in each of your shoes. I also thank you for your non-judgemental, non-critical support of me and my IF journey and for recognizing that we are all on our own IF journey. I am so glad that I have met such wonderful women whose spirit, thoughtfulness, sensitivity and support has been amazing. Without you, I would be a puddle on the floor every day, not just some days:)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Cancer and Pregnancy News
I have a couple things I need to talk about today and they are all somewhat related so I thought I would tie them in to one post.
Last week I found out that my aunt (my mom's brother's wife) has spine, liver, lung, breast and brain cancer. This, as you can imagine, is devastating news. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer almost 6 years ago and I remember being told about it a short time before my wedding in June 2003. At my wedding DH and I greeted and ushered our guests out of the church. When I saw her I remember seeing the pain in her eyes.
This past year at Thanksgiving she was complaining of a viral infection. She had gone to see her doctor and they thought it was a bladder/kidney infection because she was having severe pain in her back. She stayed at Thanksgiving for a couple of hours and then went home. She is a very determined person and continued to go to work, despite her increasing pain and decreasing energy level. Last week she went to work one morning and then called my uncle mid-morning to come and pick her up as she was in so much pain. He took her to the local hospital emergency room where they scanned her and found cancer throughout her body. She had a biopsy and it showed that all of the cancers found were "progressive" She has six months to live.
To compound the situation, my uncle also has congestive heart failure and at Thanksgiving was struggling to put his own jacket on. They don't have a lot of money and until this month when my mom helped him complete forms to get VA medical insurance, he didn't have any medical insurance so he has not gone to the doctor to treat his heart failure.
I feel so terribly bad for them. But I almost feel worse for my cousin, who is an only child. She is 24 years old. My mom called her the other night to talk to her and she was just crying the whole time and she told my mom "I just feel so alone". It just broke my heart. She is not alone, we are all here for her. But I can completely relate as a parent to her statement. I told DH "What if this happens to L in life? What if we are both terribly sick and he has to care for us on his own? Who will he lean on? What will happen when he no longer has both parents? Will he be all alone too?".
If you have a moment, please say a prayer for my family. They need all of the strength that they can get. Please also see the February 10, post from A Miracle to Come and send a prayer off to her BF and her mom. It must be the week for bad cancer news. http://amiracletocome.blogspot.com/
Please go to My Journey to Myles and Beyond to Surrogacy and wish my dear friend Niki "Congratulations". She found out this week that her surrogate is pregnant! http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/
I have also updated my previous test results blog to add more test results. Everything is looking good so far, so why are we not conceiving?
Last week I found out that my aunt (my mom's brother's wife) has spine, liver, lung, breast and brain cancer. This, as you can imagine, is devastating news. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer almost 6 years ago and I remember being told about it a short time before my wedding in June 2003. At my wedding DH and I greeted and ushered our guests out of the church. When I saw her I remember seeing the pain in her eyes.
This past year at Thanksgiving she was complaining of a viral infection. She had gone to see her doctor and they thought it was a bladder/kidney infection because she was having severe pain in her back. She stayed at Thanksgiving for a couple of hours and then went home. She is a very determined person and continued to go to work, despite her increasing pain and decreasing energy level. Last week she went to work one morning and then called my uncle mid-morning to come and pick her up as she was in so much pain. He took her to the local hospital emergency room where they scanned her and found cancer throughout her body. She had a biopsy and it showed that all of the cancers found were "progressive" She has six months to live.
To compound the situation, my uncle also has congestive heart failure and at Thanksgiving was struggling to put his own jacket on. They don't have a lot of money and until this month when my mom helped him complete forms to get VA medical insurance, he didn't have any medical insurance so he has not gone to the doctor to treat his heart failure.
I feel so terribly bad for them. But I almost feel worse for my cousin, who is an only child. She is 24 years old. My mom called her the other night to talk to her and she was just crying the whole time and she told my mom "I just feel so alone". It just broke my heart. She is not alone, we are all here for her. But I can completely relate as a parent to her statement. I told DH "What if this happens to L in life? What if we are both terribly sick and he has to care for us on his own? Who will he lean on? What will happen when he no longer has both parents? Will he be all alone too?".
If you have a moment, please say a prayer for my family. They need all of the strength that they can get. Please also see the February 10, post from A Miracle to Come and send a prayer off to her BF and her mom. It must be the week for bad cancer news. http://amiracletocome.blogspot.com/
Please go to My Journey to Myles and Beyond to Surrogacy and wish my dear friend Niki "Congratulations". She found out this week that her surrogate is pregnant! http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/
I have also updated my previous test results blog to add more test results. Everything is looking good so far, so why are we not conceiving?
Monday, February 9, 2009
Test Results Update
Wow! This is the longest time since I have started my blog that I haven't written a post. I started writing one last Thursday and then ran out of time and couldn't finish it so here I am today.
We got back M's semen analysis and it told us what we already knew: that he has good count and motility and only 1% morphology. The nurse said that 4% is in the normal range. This is the reason that we started doing IVF w/ICSI because if his sperm does not have the right morphology (shape), then it is not able to fertilize my eggs. In IVF w/ICSI M's sperm is washed so that they only select the ones that have the best morphology (shape) and then one sperm is injected into each one of my eggs to create each embryo.
We have also found out that M's semen has small traces of bacteria in it. The nurse at CCRM said that this is really normal and that a lot of guys have this. She put M on Penicillin for 10 days to get rid of this bacteria.
We are still waiting for the sperm DNA fragmentation test to come back, which will tell us more info. It was sent to South Dakota so I am not sure how long it takes to get back. I'll post more when I find out.
I have also set up my endometrial biopsy with my local OB/GYN for this Friday. I got the "smiley" face on the OPK last Wednesday and the endometrial biopsy needs to be done 9-11 days post ovulation.
Other than this, nothing else is too new. I am not even sure what other tests we are waiting to come back. If I don't hear anything else this week, I will call CCRM and do a follow-up call. I haven't been too proactive in finding out where everything is at because we won't proceed with another cycle, whether locally or at CCRM, until we get all of our results back, including the endometrial biopsy this Friday.
I have also been thinking for a couple of weeks about a couple of heavy subjects that I want to write about soon. I need some feed back and help sorting out things and need another perspective perhaps. I will be writing about these things soon. I promise.
********************************************************
UPDATE:
Wouldn't you know it, but the nurse from CCRM called tonight and gave us a couple more test results and here they are:
DHs sperm DNA fragmentation/integrity test came back average or above average (DH took the call and he didn't ask any more questions so that's all I know).
My cycle day 3 labs came back as follows:
E2= 44.5, normal is below 50
FSH= 4.92, normal is below 10
LH= 2.11, normal is below FSH level
AMH= 2.03, normal is above 1.0
So, everything is looking good so far except for the sperm morphology and the blood flow to my uterus. We can't change the sperm morphology (some say that certain supplements can improve this, but I haven't found any real good hard evidence of this and Dr. School.craft did not endorse or recommend any supplements), but thankfully we can do ICSI to work around it. As for my blood flow issue, I will do further research to find an electro-accupuncturist in my area to fix that and I am working on cutting out all caffeine. Thankfully we haven't found anything too serious. With everything looking so good I feel like there is still something missing that we haven't found with our testing yet. I am still left wondering "where is our next angel?"
************************************************
UPDATE: Wednesday, February 11
My local clinic called today and my karotyping came back normal as well. She said that she will forward the results to my doctor and then he will figure out my protocol for my next cycle. I should hear from the nurse in the next couple of days. We have not explained to them yet that we don't know when/where we will be cycling next so that may be an interesting conversation with the nurse when she calls to give me my next cycles dates and protocol!
We got back M's semen analysis and it told us what we already knew: that he has good count and motility and only 1% morphology. The nurse said that 4% is in the normal range. This is the reason that we started doing IVF w/ICSI because if his sperm does not have the right morphology (shape), then it is not able to fertilize my eggs. In IVF w/ICSI M's sperm is washed so that they only select the ones that have the best morphology (shape) and then one sperm is injected into each one of my eggs to create each embryo.
We have also found out that M's semen has small traces of bacteria in it. The nurse at CCRM said that this is really normal and that a lot of guys have this. She put M on Penicillin for 10 days to get rid of this bacteria.
We are still waiting for the sperm DNA fragmentation test to come back, which will tell us more info. It was sent to South Dakota so I am not sure how long it takes to get back. I'll post more when I find out.
I have also set up my endometrial biopsy with my local OB/GYN for this Friday. I got the "smiley" face on the OPK last Wednesday and the endometrial biopsy needs to be done 9-11 days post ovulation.
Other than this, nothing else is too new. I am not even sure what other tests we are waiting to come back. If I don't hear anything else this week, I will call CCRM and do a follow-up call. I haven't been too proactive in finding out where everything is at because we won't proceed with another cycle, whether locally or at CCRM, until we get all of our results back, including the endometrial biopsy this Friday.
I have also been thinking for a couple of weeks about a couple of heavy subjects that I want to write about soon. I need some feed back and help sorting out things and need another perspective perhaps. I will be writing about these things soon. I promise.
********************************************************
UPDATE:
Wouldn't you know it, but the nurse from CCRM called tonight and gave us a couple more test results and here they are:
DHs sperm DNA fragmentation/integrity test came back average or above average (DH took the call and he didn't ask any more questions so that's all I know).
My cycle day 3 labs came back as follows:
E2= 44.5, normal is below 50
FSH= 4.92, normal is below 10
LH= 2.11, normal is below FSH level
AMH= 2.03, normal is above 1.0
So, everything is looking good so far except for the sperm morphology and the blood flow to my uterus. We can't change the sperm morphology (some say that certain supplements can improve this, but I haven't found any real good hard evidence of this and Dr. School.craft did not endorse or recommend any supplements), but thankfully we can do ICSI to work around it. As for my blood flow issue, I will do further research to find an electro-accupuncturist in my area to fix that and I am working on cutting out all caffeine. Thankfully we haven't found anything too serious. With everything looking so good I feel like there is still something missing that we haven't found with our testing yet. I am still left wondering "where is our next angel?"
************************************************
UPDATE: Wednesday, February 11
My local clinic called today and my karotyping came back normal as well. She said that she will forward the results to my doctor and then he will figure out my protocol for my next cycle. I should hear from the nurse in the next couple of days. We have not explained to them yet that we don't know when/where we will be cycling next so that may be an interesting conversation with the nurse when she calls to give me my next cycles dates and protocol!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Just Relax
DH went ice fishing with two guys from work on Monday-Tuesday. Monday night we were talking on the phone before I went to bed. He told me that the guys tried to give him a beer and DH told them "nope, can't, it kills all of my sperm". They told him that he is always so stressed out with work and trying to fit everything in his day that if he "just relaxes" it will happen and we'll get pregnant. I asked DH what his response was and he said "Nothing. We are way beyond 'just relaxing' that I didn't even want to get into it with them."
I am so happy that DH got this "Just Relax" talk. I am glad that I am not the only one that receives such trivial, pladitudinal advice. We just laughed about it and moved on.
Although, when I got off of the phone with DH I was thinking about it and smiling to myself that just about a year ago, before we started IVF, that my DH would tell me to "Just Relax" and I always got so upset with him. I guess he now knows how silly that assvice really is.
I love you, Honey!
I am so happy that DH got this "Just Relax" talk. I am glad that I am not the only one that receives such trivial, pladitudinal advice. We just laughed about it and moved on.
Although, when I got off of the phone with DH I was thinking about it and smiling to myself that just about a year ago, before we started IVF, that my DH would tell me to "Just Relax" and I always got so upset with him. I guess he now knows how silly that assvice really is.
I love you, Honey!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Blah Day
I got home yesterday from scrapbooking and was exhausted! I got so much done and stayed up way too late, but it was worth it. We had an AWESOME group of girls that went and we are planning on going again in September. I was really excited to go and keep my mind occupied and off of our IF. Shortly after we arrived there the owner and her daughter showed up to bring a couple of things to make our accommodations complete. And wouldn't you know it, her daughter was pregnant. That aside, we had a blast and laughed SO much. I also found out that one of the gals that was there has twin boys from IVF. I had never met her before this weekend. We talked for a long time on Thursday night and I found out that she went to my same local clinic. Small world! She got pregnant on her 3rd cycle (she signed up for the warranty program too) and had been TTC for 8 years.
I woke up this morning at 6:00 to a big thud. Poor L feel out of bed. He has a queen size bed in his room, but every once in a while he manages to fall out. He came running into my room crying and crawled in bed with me to cuddle. He didn't have any bumps or bruises, thankfully, but what a yucky way to start his day.
All day today I have been feeling really "blah". I know I am still tired from my weekend away, but I just feel like I am about to lose it. We went to the library today for story time and there was a gal there who was pregnant the last time we went (we usually go every Monday with my friend, L, but we haven't been there since before Christmas since we have been busy with the holidays and then our other plans). Today she had her beautiful newborn baby. Yet another pregnancy that I have watched go by in the time that I have been TTC.
This afternoon while L was napping I decided that I needed to clean out my craft/catch all closet. I decided to throw away a bunch of cards from L's past birthdays and baby showers. I had so many that I decided to just keep the handmade ones. As I was looking at all of the shower and baby cards I just got so sad. I remembered how happy I was then. I had such anticipation, excitement and joy. Even when I was at the end of my pregnancy with L and I had 15 pounds of fluid in my legs, I was still a happy pregnant person. I wish I were that person still.
This evening L had swimming lessons and I took him by myself as DH is out of town overnight ice fishing. I have not taken him yet this session since we were in AZ the first week, DH took him the second week so I could work in our home office and my parents took him last week while we were in CO. I got L all ready and then brought him to his class in the pool and then found a chair to sit to watch him swim. And, wouldn't you know it, but a pregnant woman comes and sits down right next to me. As she sat down I followed her gaze and I see that the class next to L's class in the pool is the "Waterbabies" class. Yep, with about 15 babies and their parents. I just about lost it and called DH and asked him why he didn't give me a heads up that this class was going on at the same time. He felt bad and didn't remember that I had not been there yet for this swim session.
I hope that I will wake up tomorrow and not feel so "blah".
I woke up this morning at 6:00 to a big thud. Poor L feel out of bed. He has a queen size bed in his room, but every once in a while he manages to fall out. He came running into my room crying and crawled in bed with me to cuddle. He didn't have any bumps or bruises, thankfully, but what a yucky way to start his day.
All day today I have been feeling really "blah". I know I am still tired from my weekend away, but I just feel like I am about to lose it. We went to the library today for story time and there was a gal there who was pregnant the last time we went (we usually go every Monday with my friend, L, but we haven't been there since before Christmas since we have been busy with the holidays and then our other plans). Today she had her beautiful newborn baby. Yet another pregnancy that I have watched go by in the time that I have been TTC.
This afternoon while L was napping I decided that I needed to clean out my craft/catch all closet. I decided to throw away a bunch of cards from L's past birthdays and baby showers. I had so many that I decided to just keep the handmade ones. As I was looking at all of the shower and baby cards I just got so sad. I remembered how happy I was then. I had such anticipation, excitement and joy. Even when I was at the end of my pregnancy with L and I had 15 pounds of fluid in my legs, I was still a happy pregnant person. I wish I were that person still.
This evening L had swimming lessons and I took him by myself as DH is out of town overnight ice fishing. I have not taken him yet this session since we were in AZ the first week, DH took him the second week so I could work in our home office and my parents took him last week while we were in CO. I got L all ready and then brought him to his class in the pool and then found a chair to sit to watch him swim. And, wouldn't you know it, but a pregnant woman comes and sits down right next to me. As she sat down I followed her gaze and I see that the class next to L's class in the pool is the "Waterbabies" class. Yep, with about 15 babies and their parents. I just about lost it and called DH and asked him why he didn't give me a heads up that this class was going on at the same time. He felt bad and didn't remember that I had not been there yet for this swim session.
I hope that I will wake up tomorrow and not feel so "blah".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
