Saturday, December 13, 2008

In Limbo

"What to do? What to do?" Every morning when I wake up I think of this phrase over and over and over again. After four failed IVF cycles, I don't know what to do. I am in limbo. We had our post-IVF consult with our RE this past Thursday after our fourth failed IVF cycle. The first thing he said upon entering the room we were waiting in was "Well, you are one of my challenging patients". He told me that he wasn't giving up yet, but yet the tone of this conversation was not one of optimism either (as it usually is with him). He asked me if I was emotionally okay with cycling again to which my response was "Often times I wonder about that. I hate cycling and everything to do with cycling, but then I look at my little boy and how much I love him and I know that I am not ready to give up yet". He went on to say that he is a Christian and that some things are maybe not meant to be. He said that he can take all of his knowledge and experience and put it into play, but sometimes things are not meant to be. After thinking about this, I wholeheartedly disagree with him. I will never believe that I am not meant to be a mom again.

He said that nothing is standing out to him as to why we have four failed cycles. Everything is good on paper...I respond well, my body does exactly as it should, my embies are good quality (on my first fresh cycle I had 10 blasts still growing on Day 5), etc. He said he would cycle me again (my 3rd and last fresh cycle under the warranty program) and try to change my meds up a little. It seems that my follies are slow to "take off" and then midway through my cycle they all pop up at once when they increase my meds. He would try to alter my meds so that I would get less eggs and hopefully better quality. He also is starting out by testing DH for balanced translocation. If his b/w comes back positive then he will test me as well. He did not recommend, or endorse, any further testing. He gave good reasoning for not wanting to do further testing, but it just isn't sitting well with me.

I also told him that we are going to do a phone consult with CCRM. He seemed supportive of us doing that, but I am sure that he isn't too happy about the "possibility" of us going elsewhere. I don't even know how I feel about this...I started crying when I told him that we were looking at CCRM as I feel like he is an amazing RE whose compassion, enthusiasm and knowledge are such a big piece of why we chose to go there for our IVF cycles. I feel so disloyal, but at this point no matter how emotionally involved I am in this process and how much I love the clinic, I need to do what I think is the best thing for DH and I. At this point, I don't know if CCRM will be it or not, but I owe it to us to investigate further. He told me that he felt so bad this time when he got the negative beta and that he was in the lab that day waiting for my results. He also said that I am not just a number to him, that I am a real person and that he truly wants the best for the patient, which I have always believed in my heart. He also said that he would not recommend DE or surrogacy at this point because he doesn't know what the problem is. Our dx at this point is "unexplained IF".

And the final joke is that he said that he would not rule out another natural conception for us, LOL....I clearly think that is NOT in the cards for us at this point. After 2.5 years of secondary IF encompassing 4 failed IUIs, 4 failed IVF cycles and rivers cried, I highly doubt that would happen!

We have our phone consult with CCRM scheduled for January 8. I know that we still have one fresh and any resulting frozen transfers to do at my local RE clinic that have been paid for under the warranty program we signed up for. But as I sit here today I think...why would I cycle there again, no matter how much I like my RE, if he has nothing more to offer me really? If I really want another child and I am getting burned out on cycling, how can I cycle there again and still maybe have to go to CCRM? And, if we go to CCRM how will the logistics play out? What will I do with my dear son when I am cycling and on bed rest in a city that my dear husband and I have never been to? And what if we don't cycle again at my current clinic, but it could be the one time that I actually had a positive result and I never know because I decided to go right to CCRM? And why am I making myself so miserable over trying to have another child?

What to do? What to do?


Niki said...

Oh dear Kris, I wish there were easy answers. It seems in the IF world no answers are easy. As you know I LOVE Dr. S too, but have to say that I'm so disappointed to hear that he said "some things are meant to be". I absolutely do not buy into this logic!! This implies that my son was meant to be born early and to die in my arms. I do not and won't ever believe that! I do not believe that I am not meant to be a mother of a living child or that you are not meant to be a mother to another child! I would like to think that Dr. S doesn't believe that either, but rather what he meant was that some means to an end are not the route to bring us those things. I guess that's how I will interpret his statement because I can not believe he meant it to say otherwise.

I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom to impart, but I don't. You have a tough decision in front of you and must follow your gut and your heart. For me I reached a point when the heartache became too much and I needed to try something else because what we were doing wasn't working. So, we decided to pursue surrogacy. I'm not trying to pressure or encourage you to take that route, but rather trying to say that maybe you need a change in scenery to give you hope. Many hugs and much strength to you as you struggle with this difficult decision before you.

Tom and Margit said...

Kris-I am glad you are doing a blog. It definitely helps to write things out and put your emotions on "paper." It helped me a great deal with Gabriel. I could just write what I felt. I do not think think you are not meant to be a mom again. I am sorry he said that "some things are not meant to be." I hope he meant it in another way (like Niki said) and just mis-worded it. When I saw my neurologist after we lost Gabriel, he said well it is probably better you are having just one. I know he didn't mean it that way, but holy S**T, did it come off awful. Sometimes people say the worst things at the wrong times.
I pray for you and your family often. You have amazing strength and courage to be going through this struggle. I wish all the answers were simple, but with IF, it isn't and that just plain sucks. I learned through my MS, where answers don't really exist either, that it is tough. Like Niki, I don't have any wise words. I wish I did. But I do know that you have an amazing hubby and wonderful son and you are an amazing mother :)
Once your heart and mind know the right decision, I know you will find a peace. I know you will be a mother to another angel like Logan!


Brooklyn said...

Hi, I found your blog through IVFC. You are doing the right thing by checking out a new clinic even as much as you love your old RE. There are a lot of different theories and protocols out there in the IVF world and it will be totally worth it to try a new RE and get fresh opinions.

My DH and I were TTC for 6 years and had 4 failed IVFs then went to a new clinic. They had different ideas and it worked on our first try with them. We got twin girls but now we are battling our secondary infertility stage too. It is hard to know what to do.

Best wishes to you.

Deborah said...

There are a lot of very difficult decisions to make, but I think the worst part is a feeling of loyalty to one's RE, especially when you like them. The truth be told though, you RE just wants the best for you and if that means success somewhere else, I am sure that he will be very understanding. There are a few ladies that blog who are currently pregnant with CCRM babies. I would be happy to connect you to their blogs if you'd like.