Friday, October 2, 2009

Update: Ex-BFF, D

I have been thinking about this topic for awhile now and am finally trying to write out my thoughts. Sorry if this post is all over the place:)

A few weeks ago I mentioned my ex-BFF, D, in a blog post here: http://lookingforanotherangel.blogspot.com/2009/08/advice-needed.html
A couple of days later we went to Logan's preschool for a back-to-school open house and I did see D there. I walked up to her and said, "Hi!". She turned and when she saw me she instantly smiled. I confirmed that she had gotten my voice mail and she explained that things had been really crazy at her house and that she had not had a chance to call back. I was able to see her middle son and her newborn baby boy. She asked how things were going for us with our pregnancy, rubbed my belly a few times and told me how happy she was for us several times. It was a really nice little chat. As I got into the car to leave with DH and Logan, DH and I were talking about how it went. I told him that it was fine and told him about our conversation. He responded, "So, you pretty much talked like you were old friends again?", I said, "Yep, pretty much".

At that time I had no further plans to make contact with her. Sure, it was nice seeing her there, but sometimes things have to work themselves out the way they were meant to be [side note: IF is not one thing that I believe that works out the way it is meant to be. I think it is a really crappy and horrible thing that happens to the best of people....whole new subject for another post!].

Fast forward a couple of weeks to when I went to the wake/visitation for Bri Her.oux which I posted about here: http://lookingforanotherangel.blogspot.com/2009/09/update-wakevisitation.html When I got home from the wake, DH had told me that he went over to D's house with Logan on our golf cart (they live about 5 minutes from us) to look at their septic system that they were having problems with (DH is a sewer, water, septic and excavation contractor). He said that D came out right away and gave him a hug and was happy to see him and he was able to see all of their kids. He took their two oldest kids on a golf cart ride down their street. D's DH and my DH talked for a bit before DH and Logan headed home (my DH and her DH went to high school together and that is how I met D).

As I posted about, I was a mess when I was at the wake and then when I got home from the wake and saw DH and Logan, I started crying again because I am just so thankful to have them. As the evening wore on, he was telling me about their trip over to ex-BFFs house and this got me thinking. If my ex-boyfriend, Andy, and I can have a special place in our hearts for each other and still have limited contact after we broke-up 10 years ago, why can't I do the same with D?

I remember when Andy and I broke-up, it was horrible. We had been dating for 3 1/2 years and we thought that we would be married someday. It was a mutual decision for us to break-up and one that turned out to be the best decision, but it was hard. I thought my world was going to end without him in it. And even though both his and my heart were shattered into a million little pieces, we moved on. But there was always this pact that we made when we first started dating that has remained in my head for the last 10 years and will continue to remain there. Our pact was that no matter what happened with our relationship, we would always remain friends. That is why, over the past 10 years, we have maintained limited contact with one another and why I ultimately decided to go to his beloved wife's wake.

And D is really no different. We were really good friends for quite some time. We took family vacations together, we got together on the weekends with our families for impromptu dinners, we did girly stuff together while our guys did man stuff together, our kids played together, we knew each others families and really, they were truly an expansion of our family. They were so much a part of our lives that when our friendship ended it was painful and heart-breaking. Who would I call every day to chat with? Who would I express my frustrations to? Who did I believe would have my back, no matter what? (Of course, DH filled these roles anyways, but it was nice to have another woman's perspective). She had a special place in my heart and when we were no longer friends, my heart was broken and sad.

So, I decided to call her the day after Bri's wake. I knew that I didn't want to leave things the way they were forever. Life isn't fair and after what happened to Bri, I wanted to be on good terms with D again. When I called her she was receptive to my phone call and it wasn't at all awkward. I told her that I had gone to a wake and it made me think about some things. I explained that I didn't have the need to go back and hash out what had happened in the past, but rather I wanted to move forward with our friendship, whatever that means. I also said that I don't have a plan for how our friendship will be in the future. We agreed that things were said and done that could not be taken back. She agreed that she wanted to go to school functions for our kids and not have there be any awkwardness between us. All in all, it was a good conversation. I told her that she has a special place in my heart and she said the same about me. We ended it by her saying that we will have to get together for dinner soon.

I haven't heard from her since. And it is okay. I am sure that our paths will cross again and it will be just fine. We will be able to greet each other and have a pleasant conversation, rather than trying to avoid each other. If she is ever in a bind or needs support, I will be there for her because she has a special place in my heart. Just as I was for Andy when his wife passed away.

You never know how life will turn out. But when you find people who mean something to you and have a special place in your heart, even though you have differences, it is okay. If D and I become better friends again in the future, that would be nice, but it will also be okay if things remain the same. What is meant to be, will be.

Another lesson learned brought to you by IF. (insert sarcasm) At least I can thank our IF for some good things. Blah.

4 comments:

Allison said...

Kris, what a brave thing to do to step out of your comfort zone and contact D again! I really think you did the right thing and that no matter what happens, at least you know you tried. :)

Also, thank you so much for the comment on my last post. You have no idea what it meant to me to come home after a long day and get to read that someone else "gets it." :) I cant believe you read every one of my posts!- that is so sweet and I never would have thought someone would be interested enough to do that. So thank you- for taking the time to reach out to me- It really means alot

kayjay said...

Kris...the more you post about what is going on in your life and how you respond to it, the more I learn about how huge your heart is. Yes, IF has changed us but it sounds like you have taken those changes and grown from it rather than shrivel up and become bitter about things. You are a real example of how to reach out and take life as it comes but on your terms. I'm glad you have found a new way for your friendship with D to go forward and in a way that is okay with you. Your post makes me think about how my friendships have changed through IF...definitely food for thought.

Erica said...

Yes, IF does give us some gifts - but only a very small pile. :) Although, when I think about it, we're probably so much more compassionate for having dealt with this issue - that can't be a bad thing.

And congrats on the twin boys!!!! What wonderful news.

Jill M. said...

I'm proud of you!!!! =)))