...we decided to start trying to conceive another child. I was so ignorant (and blissful) then. Since L was conceived so easily (...I'll pause while you lean over the basket under your desk and throw up a little), I thought for surely we would have the same experience getting pregnant again. I thought that at the very latest we would be pregnant by Christmas. Little did I know the journey that DH and I were about to begin...
It was a Saturday and we had been talking off and on for a couple of months about when we would begin to TTC #2. We were driving over to my now ex-BFFs house to drop L off so that we could go out that night to celebrate my SILs 30th bday. This was Ls first sleep over at their house and he was just over 18 months old. When we got to my now ex-BFFs house we stayed and chatted with her and her DH (whom my DH went to high school with and thus how I met my now ex-BFF). The guys went outside for a moment and she was cooking dinner for her family and L. All of the sudden I turned to her and asked, "are you pregnant?". I have no idea what made me ask her that. I knew that she was going to start TTC #2 in August or September, but somehow I just had a feeling that she was already expecting. She got a huge grin on her face and said, "Umm, yes. How did you know?"
When we got into the car to go out that night DH and I started talking about TTC again. I did not tell him that my now ex-BFF was pregnant (she made me swear not to tell him because it was so early and her DH wanted to tell my DH). DH and I decided on the car ride that it was time for us to start TTC #2. In my mind I thought how fitting that was. My now ex-BFF and I were pregnant together with our first children (which we did not plan together) and how fun it would be to pregnant together again.
When her son was born the following March, I was devastated. Besides a really early chemical pregnancy back in September, we still were not pregnant. I decided to make an appt with an RE. And, as they say, the rest is history...or at least written on the side bar of my blog home page.
This past weekend on our way up to my sisters cabin for the 4th of July DH and I started talking about our IF. Two years ago on this same weekend we were heading up to my sisters cabin and we decided to stop at a camper dealership on the way. My parents had begun motor homing and after going camping with them for a few weekends we decided that we wanted to buy our own camper. When we were walking around the lot with the salesman he looked at our family and asked us if we had any more children. All I could do is turn away from him and wipe my tears. Just one hour before that we had gotten a BFN on our first IUI. We had already been TTC #2 for one year.
As we drove by that dealership last week I started to cry because I was remembering all we have been through to get to where we are today. We have lost so much, but we have also gained so much more than we have lost. I am no longer friends with my now ex-BFF for many reasons, but the icing on the cake was our IF, that she couldn't understand and couldn't support me on my darkest days while going through IF; she couldn't do what a best friend should be able to do.
As I sit here pregnant with twins, I am happy. Not only because I am finally pregnant, but because of who I am after going through such a horrible time in my life. I wish, hope and pray every day that these babies make it into the world safely and healthy. I have fears about the rest of my pregnant that I try to push aside. My DH told me a couple of weeks ago in his silly way, "yeah, in the past when I have worried about something it really hasn't helped me at all". And he's right. I am trying to enjoy every moment of having these babies in my belly...after all it only took me three years to get pregnant.
I also have tears in my eyes as I sit here and type this. For all of my IF sisters. I so want for them what they want for themselves. I can't even adequately explain/type the strong feelings and utmost respect I have for these women. Wow! No matter how happy I am for myself and the situation I am currently in, I will never forget what I went through to be sitting here today. How do you really forget these people with whom I've bonded, laughed with, cried with and just been there with through it all?
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5 comments:
Such a nice post! Even though we are STILL ttc #1 (it will be 5 years soon and we have retired my uterus) I think there is something uniquely hard about secondary infertility (when I want a break from moms and children and reminders I can - I choose the women I interact with - with secondary infertility - you do not have that luxury).
Best wishes for everything with the twins.
What a sweet post! There's nothing quite like an IF journey. I'm sorry you had to endure it and very happy you overcame it. Enjoy those twins every min as I know you will!
I think your DH is right. My father use to say the same thing; where does worrying get you-nowhere. Unfortunately, that's the downside of IF, the worry, but you are so right about the good side. Sometimes it is hard to find, but there is one. Here's to looking at the glass half full! When you are holding those babies, gratitude will come from a place only IF people know exists.
We never will forget our journey to this point, will we? There are many times I wish I could, but I'm sure it has helped to make me and my husband the people we are today. I'm not at the point where I'm "grateful" for all that I've learned from IF. Although I probably will be some day. Maybe when I'm holding the twins in my arms and they're healthy and really real! So often, this doesn't seem real, you know?
Anyway, thanks so much for dropping by and leaving a comment on my blog. It is nice to "meet" you. As far as the Downs and other tests, I passed on them only because I'm not interested in stressing about anything else. I worried and wondered for 3 long years and I'm done. If there's something wrong, god forbid, I'll find out soon enough. Plus, my high risk doc told me that the results are even less conclusive with twins. He was in agreement with our decision. In fact, he said, "I think you both should jump off the cliff blind." Thank you, doctor!
Good luck with everything. I'm adding you to my blogroll so I can keep tabs on your journey. :)
IF sisters are the salt of the earth--this much I have definitely learned! I hope that you can relax ( a wee little bit!) and enjoy being pregnant. Soon enough your life will be bursting at the seams with the newness and wonder of two tiny newborns!
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