Friday, January 23, 2009

Fears of the Unknowns

I was driving down the road today and all of the sudden it hit me! We are flying to CO on Sunday for our work-up! In my mind I was thinking "Holy sh*t, I can't believe I am doing this. I am flying halfway across the country to have a baby!". I got butterflies in my stomach and then I started to panic. If we decide to cycle out there and we fail, I will be so utterly devastated. Even though CCRM is one of the best clinics, not everyone has success there. What if we cycle there and I have a worse response and don't produce as many follicles/eggs and our embryos end up being worse quality and none make it to blast for the CGH testing? I have always had great response and tons of blasts to choose from on our two fresh IVF cycles at our local clinic, but what if CCRM puts me on a different protocol and it just doesn't work for me? What if we do CGH and none of our embryos come back normal? What if we spend all of this money on ONE cycle and it fails? What if I leave there feeling my lowest of lows and still no baby to take home?

Of course I wouldn't go to CCRM with no hope. What would be the point? I do have hope that I will have another Angel. I do have hope that L will not be an only child. I do have hope that CCRM can get me pregnant. I do have hope. Ah, yes, that tricky little thing called "hope". On so many bright days it is my best friend. On so many dark days it is my worst enemy. Hope and I have a love-hate relationship.

I would like to think that 2009 will be the defining year for us. Either we will have another biological child or we will not have another biological child. But, how can I possibly think that way, in all reality? Unless I have a hysterectomy, as my fellow blogger Planet Davila pointed out (, then I will never completely lose "hope" that we will have another Angel.

And what if CCRM is not the magic for us that it is for so many others? What will we possibly do next? Will we give up our dream of expanding our family? Will we go through the lengthy process of adoption, as my fellow blogger A Miracle to Come, so thoughtfully wrote about ( Will we look at donor egg, donor sperm, donor embryo, or surrogacy? Will we live with broken hearts for the rest of our lives? I mean, what will become of us, really? I just don't know. I sure wish I had answers to all things Unknown.


Jill M. said...

Take a deep breath, hold it, now slowly let it out. Repeat several times. Yes, getting a BFN at CCRM would be devastating, I can vouch for that.... BUT you cannot go into this all stressed out and thinking the worst. Just take one step at a time as each step is enough to handle on it's own. We're hear for you. Think positive thoughts. Hugs!

Brooklyn said...

Someone on IVFC said something once that stuck with me. It was something like, "I would rather regret doing something then regret not doing something." In other words, even if you end up with a BFN at CCRM (heaven forbid) it's still best to try them because you'll totally regret not going and giving them a shot. I would imagine that odds are going to be more in your favor though. Sounds like they really know what they are doing and will help you get that much closer to having another angel. Best wishes!

kayjay said...

You totall hit the nail on the head with this post. I wonder all the time about "what if" and what will happen or could have happened if we had chosen differently. I have no answers...just good wishes for you. It's so ironic that I can feel so alone sitting in a room full of people that I can see and touch but then feel closer to people I've never seen or met but have "talked" to through the power of the internet. Thank you for your post - I feel the same way and have the same fear.