Thursday, January 15, 2009

I'm Back and Freezing... toosh off! AZ had a forecasted high of 74 degrees today. When our flight landed in MN this afternoon, it was -16 degrees. Yep, that's right...NEGATIVE 16 degrees. Yikes! We were swimming in the pool yesterday and right now my hands are numb as I type this.

We had a surprisingly good time in AZ. It was a really relaxed vacation and we didn't do that much, which was just fine with me. The last 18 hours we were there were....let's say "annoying"...because we checked into a hotel for the night and there were so many small things that we were not happy with at the hotel and the airport this morning. Otherwise, everything went really well with the in-laws and better than expected:)

Last night after an "annoying" day DH and I were sitting on the couch at the hotel watching AI and then I just started crying. I also started crying at the pool yesterday as I watched DH swimming with L. Also, my tears are in my eyes now as I type this. I just keep going over and over in my mind that I really don't want L to be an only child, and I have at least a 1,000 reasons why.

As much as I am grateful to have L, I know that I will also be so grateful to have another. And, as much as I want to get to CCRM and end our IF journey, I know that is just an artificial wish. I only want it to be the end of my IF journey if I bring home a child. I don't want to have a failed cycle at CCRM. I already feel like such a failure on this journey, I don't want to have the ultimate status of "failure" at one of the best clinics.

With all of these tears falling at the drop of a hat I am bit hopeful that AF will show up any day...

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