I have had so many swirling thoughts lately that I don't even know where to begin. I keep thinking about the "infertility scar" I mentioned in a previous post and trying to define what it all encompasses. There is just so much that is involved in this journey that it is hard to put it into words so I am going to share some stories to convey my thoughts.
I was at the gym the other day waiting for my DH to get out of the locker room. One of the trainers came around the corner and walked by me on her way to the restroom. My first thoughts were, "I wonder how she conceived? Did she have an easy or tough time? I wonder if her baby is healthy and will be born healthy?" and then I followed my thoughts up with a quick prayer for a happy, healthy baby to be born for her. This woman was a complete stranger to me. Three years ago I wouldn't have given her a second thought.
In November I received my fourth IVF BFN on an HPT. An hour later we walked out the door to go to an extended family gathering. DH asked me if I wanted to stay home so that we could veg out and lick our wounds. I told him that we should go. On the 45 minute drive there I cried and tried to compose myself. When we got to the family gathering there were two precious miracle newborn babies there. They were so adorable in their matching outfits and scrunched up little arms and legs. I wanted to hold them so badly, but I just couldn't do it as I didn't want to lose it in front of anyone. I congratulated the parents on the birth of their babies and then I left there feeling so guilty for not asking to hold them.
On December 1, I cried on my dear son's 4th birthday when I got the official BFN news from my clinic. When L asked me why I was crying I said my standard, "because I am so happy I have you". Then I hugged and kissed him and thought about how horrible of a mom I am because I let our IF affect his special day.
There have been so many pregnancies announced in the time that we have been TTC. It's funny because when I hear the great news of the expecting deep down I am always honestly happy for those that have been able to achieve this miracle of life. I would not wish the h*ll of IF on ANYONE. It's just that I remember how sad I am for myself. I know that this is completely selfish and I hate myself for feeling this way.
***As a side note to the other people's pregnancies thing: Why is it that when you are going through IF that people think you want to know about everyone else's pregnancies? I know this gal and she always tells me when someone she knows is pregnant. I have never met these people and have no clue who they are, but she consistently tells me about them. The people are usually a friend of a friend of a friend. Why does she think that I want to hear about them? It's all kind of curious to me. It would be like me saying to someone who has an illness that is struggling to survive on many days that I know someone who was cured of the same illness. Is that supposed to give the person struggling "hope" that they will cured? Hmmm, I don't think so. I think it would make them feel worse in so many ways.
Hopefully I will be pregnant again someday. Even though I have so many cycles under my belt that tricky thing called "hope" always comes back. Many people would think that once I am pregnant I will be back to "normal" again. I think that I have read too much, talked to so many people and learned so much about what can go wrong that it saddens me to know that I won't have that ignorant bliss that I had when I found out I was pregnant with L.
Overall, many days I am happy and lead a "normal" life. I have made great friends through his process whom I will have in my heart for the rest of my life, some of whom I have never met IRL. I have also seen some really great friends and family be even better friends and family. The support we have received has been unmeasurable. I have also let some friends go in this process for various reasons that I am fine with now, but saddens me that things turned out the way they did.
Yep, the Infertility Scar has changed many parts of who we are. I try to remember that our IF should be a small part of who DH and I are. But when it comes to those in my life that I love and care about, I would give anything to them. Even though another baby has not come physically to us, s/he has come to us in our hearts and souls and I would give anything to have s/he.