Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Only Child Blues

After laying in bed last night and talking and crying to my dear husband I had a bit of of a "crabby hangover" this morning. I woke up not feeling like the happiest of campers this morning. By mid-afternoon I was feeling much better and then we went out to dinner.

We went out to dinner with MIL tonight and L wanted to sit at the end of the table. There was a large group that were sitting about 15 feet from us and the adults were on one side of the long table and all of their kids were seated on the other side of the table, the side closest to us. Throughout dinner I noticed that L was sitting to the side and eating his spaghetti and watching this group of children. He was smiling as he was eating and giggling every now and then. For some reason I just got so sad and my tears decided to drop. I just really want him to have a sibling that he can always play with and talk to. It made me so sad that he was sitting there all alone and just watching all of these other kids play, like on the outside looking in.

It isn't that he doesn't have little friends that he plays with. We are really active and I make sure that he is involved in things with other children. It is just that siblings share that common family bond- their parents. They are the ones that you are connected to, whether you want to be or not. My sister has always been the one to tell me when I am wrong and to back me up when I am right. She is the one whom I can call crying and upset and she may think I am crazy at times, but she still loves me (right, sis?). She is the one whom I can have a huge fight with and be laughing with five minutes later. She is the one that will hopefully still be with me when our parents no longer are. I won't be alone, all by myself.

I just don't want my dear son, L, to be alone- in any sense of the word. I want him to have sibling to lean on, no matter what happens in his life. I want him to have a sibling to complain about his mom and dad to. I want him to have a sibling to show the ropes of life to. I want him to know so much about life by having a sibling to go through life with. I want his children (hopefully) to have cousins. I want so much for him to have a sibling that it makes me so sad that he very well may not have one.

And yes, I am SO, SO grateful to have L. I know how lucky I am to have him. Through this IF journey he has been my shining star. He has wiped away my tears at times and has made me laugh when I have gone through some of my darkest days. Last night he asked me why I was crying and I gave him my standard response, "because I am so happy I have you".

As much as I wish for a sibling for L, I also wish, hope and pray for all of my IVF/IF friends who so want a child for themselves. There are so many great woman I have met over the past 2.5 years who have gone through so much on their journey to create and complete their family. IF is a pain I would not wish on anyone, even my worst enemies.


Niki said...

Big hugs to you my friend! You are a wonderful mommy to your son and I have much hope that you will be a great mommy to another child!

BTW ... what's up with RMIA and CCRM saying conflicting things regarding potential ovulation? How irritating!

Tom and Margit said...

Kris-I am sending lots of hugs to you!! I know how much you want a sibling for L and I have hope you will get that wish!
And I agree that all the ladies deserve a happy wish to be fulfilled this year, just like you do!
Have fun in Arizona!