Monday, May 18, 2009

Calm Before the Storm and Enough Child

A couple of you asked if I will do an actual HPT and POAS. I don't know if I will or not. The one HPT that I thought I had in my house, was not an HPT, but an OPK (as you read in my previous post), LOL. I don't have any actual HPTs in the house, and right now I don't have the urge to go buy one. I hate to POAS, especially with my track record of BFNs. I always look at the BFN on the HPT and then I literally hold my breath, while hoping and praying that it was wrong, until I get the call from my clinic to confirm the BFN. POASing just seems to give me too much stress.

I am a bit afraid, fearful and nervous for my betas later this week. But not overly so. I think about what the outcome will *hopefully* be, but I am not over analyzing or stressed out this time. I don't know if I am having too much fun pretending in my own mind that I am pregnant what with this huge belly bloat I have going on or if I am just becoming more numb to the 2ww process and IVF roller coaster. Overall, I have an odd sense of calm. Which is highly unusual for my Type A personality. I just hope the storm later this week involves the flurry of laughter, happy-tears and abundant joy. Not a storm that will throw me into the deep, deep, dark hole of despair I have been in before.

This morning I called and canceled my OHSS check appointment. Really, I feel fine (other than the highly noticeable belly bloat). I am drinking my fluids, eating protein, using the restroom a lot and feel great. I don't have as many dizzy and light-headed spells (which I think were from the Ca.berg.oline they put me on to help combat any possible OHSS). The nurse was fine with me canceling and told me to call in again if I noticed any other symptoms of OHSS.

I have also been thinking a lot about my "enough" child, my little L. For months I have been trying to think of a way to address him when people ask if he is any "only" child or if I have any more children to which I respond, "no, I 'just' have L". I never like these questions, for obvious reason, but also because he is not "only" or "just" because it makes him seem so insignificant, for some reason. A couple of weeks ago I was thinking that maybe there is a better way to respond like, "no, he is my "enough" child". Because, really, he is enough. Not in the negative sense of the word at all, but because I am so thankful to have him. I would never want him to think that he wasn't "enough" for DH and I, because he is. If we are not able to have another, he is "enough" and more than I ever thought I deserved. He is "enough" because....because, how could he not be?

2 comments:

Jill M. said...

I too dread poas!!! They have never given me anything but bad news. Hoping this is it for you!

I love how much you love your son!

Blossom and Her Fruit said...

What if you responded, "L has no siblings" and if they ask if you have anymore planned, say, "I stopped planning life when x y z happened (when a bird pooped on my wedding dress -or- when I realized life was more fun that way). haa haa haa,. (insert subject change)."

You are a sweet mother. Only child is a strange term that is very commonly employed. He is the sole child at this time. But not an 'only' child. I never thought of it that way. Thanks for the perspective on that. Makes me kinda sad to employee the term.

I am glad you are feeling great and could cancel the ohss appt.

thanks for your comment on my post too.