Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Someone, Please Pinch Me

I feel like I have been having an out of body experience. I look at my bloated belly and know that there is a baby in there, but I feel so detached. It's like this whole thing is a dream and that someone needs to pinch me to bring me back to reality. I haven't even been able to POAS yet to see that double line because I am so afraid that I will see another BFN. Silly, I know, but I just keep thinking that just because I am pregnant, this does not mean I will be having a baby. After going through so much to even get to this point, it is hard to "get over" our IF and the feelings of being an IVF Veteran. One would think that once you become pregnant all of those feeling go away, and quite simply, they don't.

I also think about the future too. My sister asked me if I will need a XXL shirt for our annual 4th of July weekend at their cabin (we go there with about 25 people and go to their small town parade and all 25 of us wear matching 4th of July shirts). I responded, "I hope so." Or I think about how *hopefully* huge I will be at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I also think about when it will be appropriate to tell L.

It is just such a weird mix of emotions and feelings. I am so thankful that I am having all of these emotions, but just don't know what to do with them.

I want to thank all of you, my blog readers, for your amazing words, thoughts and prayers. Man, what would I do without all of you? Seriously. You have become my friends and I hope I am so privileged to meet you IRL some day. Wouldn't that be so fun?:) I know that there are several of you that are cycling now or in the next couple months and, as always, I so hope, pray, and wish that you get your BFP and that you have long, healthy pregnancies. I wish this for all of us.

My first u/s is scheduled for June 8. I am really excited to see what is going on in my belly. I hope and pray that they will see cardiac activity. I keep remembering when I saw Ls heartbeat flickering away on the u/s screen- what a wonderfully marvelous day that was! I SO want to see that little strong, flickering heartbeat in my belly again, of that I am sure.


Jill M. said...

I'm virtually pinching you, you're preggo girl!!! Enjoy your u/s, keep us posted.

Tamara ViAnn said...

I'm so happy for you! Sorry to introduce myself this way, I've lurked here for awhile. We also have severe morphology issues and are headed towards IVF soon. I've been following three people who have recently had IVF, all male factor and so far you are the lucky one out of those three! Now I guess the question is how many are in there :). I hope things continue to go well for you.

kayjay said...

When you said "just because I am pregnant, this does not mean I will be having a baby" that totally summed up my feelings too (not that I'm pregnant - yet!). I've even worried that my worrying will negatively impact things. June 8th will be here soon and I will be looking to see more good news on your blog.

Blossom and Her Fruit said...

I hope you'll be able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy in a week. Fingers crossed for you. It must seem like June 8th can't come soon enough.

DAVs said...

Good luck at the ultrasound! Hoping you are huge huge huge at Christmas :)
Thanks for thinking of those of us still in the trenches...even those of us without any real idea how we'll get out.

Sue said...

I read your post while on the road and wasn't allowed to post for some reason. So I'm trying again! CONGRATS! I know it is scary, but you have definitely jumped the first hurdle!